Many many years back, during this evening hour I was out running errands. A good friend gave me a SOS call, it was her son's birthday and she totally forgotten about it. With guilt in her voice, asking me to help her to get a birthday cake. Of course I said 'yes', that's what friend are for.
It was raining cats and dogs, I parked my car aside, can't drive, I can't see the road clearly. Feel safer to park aside.
While waiting for the rain to stop, I called my dad whom I have not been able to reach for a couple of weeks.
My hutches told me something must have happened to dad. Dad was at his last stage lung cancer, he didn't live with me. In fact, dad never live with us.
Finally dad picked up the phone. I couldn't hold back my worries, asking him many many questions. He was hospitalized, vomited blood, lots of blood. He sounded very weak on the phone.
I was so emotional, I told him I wanted to see him. But, he declined me politely. Telling me that he appreciates my love and care but I just can't be there for him.....
I know, I know very well, I can't see him, my presence will create havoc to him because the wife he is living with was not my mom and she didn't know my existence.
While I was trying to convince my dad, suddenly I heard him said 'I am sorry'. I was taken aback, never in my life dad was so sober. He continues " I am so sorry, I have mess up, messed up your life too. " I can't give you anything and I never did give you anything as a father".
Holding back my tears, I told him I have already forgiven him, I never expect anything from him and I never wanted anything from him.
I told him at this moment I just wanted to take care of him, to be there for him at the last stage of his life. For a daughter to take care of her sick dad. Sounded so ordinary and normal task but to me, it's not. I didn't have the luxury to do so.
After hearing this, dad broke down and cried, he cried so bad, in fact he was weeping, I couldn't hold back anymore, we both cried on the phone.
After ten minutes, dad apologized once again, then he put down the phone. It was the last time I ever hear his voice. Two weeks later, he passed away.
As a child, I hardly see my dad, maybe few years once. I was not close to him, and I never thought I will be close to him. Until my college years in Kuala Lumpur.
Almost every weekend, dad will hang out with me. We went for movies, food hunting, shopping, ball room dancing (yes, my dad was a champion, I only found out in the recent years after his passing). Those years were the most memorable, it was like my dad trying to compensate those childhood years that he wasn't with me.
There were many things that my dad didn't do right as a father. But, I have decided to grief over his death. Commemorate him with all the good memories he has left me with.
Dad didn't have high education but he was one of the most eloquent and well mannered man I ever met. He is neat and tidy, very well organized and meticulous. He loves life, he enjoys food, the way he dances will sweep you off your feet. He was the one influenced me to travel round the world, never say ' can't ' unless you have tried. I wish my daughter get to know my dad, I am sure he will be a cool grandpa.
Many years have passed since the last conversation I had with him. It was also one of the best conversation I ever had with him. He was real, he was honest, he was a real man who dares to own up his mess and he was and still a dad that I loved and respected.
(The very very few pictures that I managed to keep)
(The one, and one only gift I ever received from my dad, my 21st birthday)
