Hello everyone, I'm writing this to share how I truly feel about myself also my fears and doubts.
Now by fears and doubts you might be wondering about this, yes fears and doubts, "will I really amount to something" is a question i ask myself everyday of my life, you see I'm 21 years of age, and it's funny how I don't really have a particular/important profitable thing I'm doing yet, since the way the world is advancing rapidly, you should know what you want to do with your life at that age, and no, its not like I'm not serious with my life, but the truth is, what life really threw at me, was what took me off course. This topic is what travels through my mind everyday, "will I really amount to something".
You see, I'm an undergraduate in my finals, studying 'MATHEMATICS' but now what my fear is, I'm actually don't find the course ejoyable at all, but you see my parents are the ones sponsoring my education, and I can't tell it to them directly, I'm not enjoying the course, so I'm trying my best everyday to bring something good out of it, but "can I really do it?" I would ask myself, because I don't really like mathematics, you might laugh and wonder, "then why is he studying it", yesss I'm studying mathematics, but it wasn't my plan to, I was initially planning to study computer science, it had always been my lifelong dream to become a computer scientist, because I like anything related to tech, so when I enrolled into the university I chose my preferred course, and when it was time to take the entry exam, I wrote it hoping to do well, but in the end, I got an average score, so the institution gave me two options, study mathematics or retake the exam, but due to some things I heard from people I was advised to take the course, I was told it was related to computer science in some kind of way, and that I could change back to computer science in my second year, but in reality what I didn't know was computer science was not in the same faculty as mathematics until I got to my second year and decided to meet my level advisor, then he told me it wasn't possible , I was in disbelief, "all I've worked for was a waste, you might think why not retake the exam, the thing was, I was supposed to, but the fact that it was my third time taking the exam, and it wasn't like I didn't do well in the past ones, but the fact that I didn't know the Institution to go to really affected me so when it was time to select it was already laye, the second time my fingerprint wasn't found in the database as I was going through some kind of sickness during the time, where my fingerprints weren't really visible and after all trials to meet the board, at the end it was already too late, so I had to just take mathematics. And now I went on to the second year hoping to do a better job than the first, but it didn't really come out the way I expected, my perfomance dropped by some percentage, now off to the third year, I proceeded and that was when I got my first carryovers, I couldn't tell anyone, not even my parents because they would be devastated, I went into depression, funny thoughts coming into my head, "should I just end my life" i would ask myself, until I shared the news with my my coursemate who was also my best friend, then he persuaded me into just putting more effort and retaking the exams in my final year, that it wasn't the end of the world and I'm not the first to go through something similar, unsurprisingly I changed my mind, the truth was I couldn't really take my own life because I was scared and doing that would put my parents in a bad situation, so I proceeded, now in my finals scared of what's to come hoping I would at least do something good, and make my parents proud.
I only shared the story above, to show you why i ask myself the question "Will I really amount to something", with the way I'm trying my best to fufill my dreams, I'm still scared for no reason, I ask myself these questions "will I really become someone great" like i had always wished, "will I ever be independent" , "will I really make my family proud at the end of all these", and most importantly "will I make myself proud", Anxious for no reason, thoughts flowing through my mind, tears rolling down my eyes when I'm alone, hoping something good will happen to me soon, because like I said earlier, I don't really have anything important I'm doing, expect volunteering to become a moderator so I can get into community management, and I guess that is the only important thing in my life right now, I guess I'm just an anxious wanderer just living right now, praying tirelessly not to live a useless life, working harder day by day, finding my purpose in life, and beliving one day i would make it.
I can only say this here because i cant really share this face to face with anyone, and doing this actually free up my mind. So my prayer is "I hope I get my bearing in life, and i hope it comes soon".
This marks the end of my write up, I would do well to write more about my life as it progresses, and also write other useful things. Bye for now, and thnks for reading up to this point, even though i know I bored you out with my story, but I guess this is the only place I can share it.
THANK YOU FOR READING!!!
