Do you feel expendable in therapy? Is this feeling relevant, in terms of past relationships, in your life? What are some ways, addressing this, in therapy? Labeling the feelings, going back, in time… how do the oldest feelings resolve? Is it a matter of degree, in terms of our level of dismay and/or disarray?
That’s a very interesting question.
In one sense I do. Because my therapist gives me a steep discount, if I stopped working with him he would be able to fill my slot with a higher paying client. I know that he has other clients and is not hurting for business so does not need me as a client to operate. I know that if I left him, he would feel sad, but his life would go on and he’d still enjoy his work and sustain his business.
In another sense I don’t. I’m a unique individual and the relationship we have is a unique relationship. Not in the creepy “you are special and I care about you more than all my other clients” sense, but in the basic way that since all human beings are unique, all human relationships are unique and unrepeatable.
He’ll never have another client quite like me. He’ll never have anyone in his life in any capacity quite like me.
I’m not sure how that connects to my past exactly, other than it’s a whole new way of looking at things that I did not experience in my past. I feel at peace about it so don’t feel like there is anything in particular to resolve. I get difficult feelings about the limitations of the therapeutic relationship just like anyone else does, and sometimes I bring those feelings to therapy to process through. But overall I’m at peace with it, and even greatly enjoy it. There are some very distinct advantages to being M’s client as opposed to his best friend, cousin, or wife… and as long as my status in his life is his client, then I might as well thoroughly enjoy it and derive all the benefits I can from it. He enjoys working with me and would want me to greatly benefit from our work, so in a sense, that set of feelings is mutual.