Omg, I just figured out I sometimes hold grudges to others when I feel like they don't want to spend time with me. It affects my self-esteem more that I thought. OMG!
Wait, B. what?
STORYTIME lovely people!
So yesterday I was throwing a big-ass party in my petite home with a dear friend of mine. I always get nervous a couple of hours before a party when the decline notifications and I'm-so-sorry-I-can't-make-it calls start rolling in. I politely respond with an "Aw, that's such a shame.." or "Ah damn, I bought you the booze you like" and afterwards I text the other MAYBE's if their still coming. It sounds like a minor thing "Text the other MAYBE's" but to me it isn't. If they don't show up I'll feel alone and hurt, which ruins my mood for the party and causes me to open up a winebottle waaaay before the party itself starts.
One of the maybe's that I respectfully texted to ask (read: check) if he would attend my alcoholparty was my ex. I find it hard to let go of the past but we are friends again since a couple of months. Being his ex causes me to sometimes misunderstand his jokes or comments, since I feel differently or it brings up memories or old feelings. He is an Antillean (often late, fiery, relaxed), with his mind set on his goals and the most dazzling eyes that look through your soul and turns it on (while they're at it)
I texted him a month ago to tell him about the party. Since he never showed up on my parties (or any other social event for that matter), I told him I'd kill him if he didn't show. So just as a friendly reminder I texted him that I'd see him tonight. He responded, and my mind switched to hurricane mode. "I'm sorry I've got a new job starting tomorrow and I have to go". A reasonable thing to say, to not go to a party for but I was furious. I responded:
I: "I'm not feeling this. I'll feel rejected if you don't show"
HE: "It's my first day tomorrow"
I: "And I understand, but I've asked you to come, a month ago, because I feel disappointent that you haven't been here once but you did gave me the idea that you'd show."
After this I got an epiphany: The reason why I make such a big deal out of it is because I feel hurt. Which comes when I feel rejected since I feel like people don't like me enough when they can't show. Everything they say feels like an excuse. Well, felt like an excuse and I felt a bit unhappy or frustrated with that person. It also happens when I'm supposed to meet someone and that someone cancels, or when I'm dating and the guy cannot see me because of other things he has to do.
It makes me feel insecure about myself and causes me to overcompensate by being extra like-able the next time. This backfires because I'm pushing my borders to feel liked and I get abnoxiously agreeable and at the same time resentful towards that person, making it impossible to establish a healthy relationship. The other person must feel like something's not right with me and take more distance from me.
It's a cycle. And it starts with this statement: My mood depends on the way my surroundings respond to me.Instead of working with what I have, I choose to be miserable with what I don't have.
That's unhealthy right..
It feels amazing to be able to finally see an old malfunctioning thought pattern. If you pay close attention to how you respond in certain unpleasant/non-beneficial situations and talk about it with friends, you can become aware of your own negative thought patterns. When you are aware of WHY you respond in a particular way, you are able to change the WHY to a healthier WHY. One more positive, more kind and more loving.
So from now on I'm letting go, whatever/whoever is meant to be a part of my world will work it/her/his's way towards me. I'll focus on how I want to put myself out there.
Bye lovely people!