The secret on how to make relationships work: To connect and stay connected is to love.
We remember and cherish our moments of true connection.
I was waiting for my son to finish his exams when I received a phone call from him saying that he read his time table wrong and I will have to wait another 2 hours for him. Desperate to get something to do, I decided to go the the bookstore in search of "The Richest Man In Babylon" by George S. Clason, but unfortunately they were out of stock. Not wanting to leave without a book, I decided to take a look around to see what else they have. When I stumbled upon this book, "The Truth About Relationships", I remembered something that my 22 year old son said to me a month prior. Admitting that I needed some help in this area, even without knowing anything about the author, I made the purchase and am truly glad I did as I have learnt a great deal from it.
In the introduction the author, Stefan Blom (a clinical psychologist) speaks about the importance of connection and staying connected as he believes it holds the power to happiness. We need to know as an individual and as a couple where we stand emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, financially and sexually because this can influence the level of our connection with ourselves and with our partners.
How often have you heard the words, "Think before you speak"? When emotions are high, we often speak in the spur of the moment without thinking about what we are saying. Words can be a powerful weapon of destruction so be careful of what you say when you are upset. If you are in a troubled relationship you should try to stop hurting each other but put in the effort to hear and understand each other. Stefan blom emphasize in his first chapter, that we should, "think before we speak and reflect before we react." It is important for us to know who we are and where we are in life, and to make mental or physical notes when we reflect on these aspect so we can have a clear idea of where we stand and what we would like to change. Your intentions in a conversation as an imperfect human being should always be: to try your best, to stay calm, to listen, to truly hear and to understand the message the other person is trying to send you.
"The 7 steps to connection."
"Real change only takes place through careful thought and action."
1st Step: Stop the damage now.
"If you damage your relationship, you damage yourself."
When you scream or shout; interrupt; ignore - avoid or walk away, you are showing disrespect for each other which is a sure why to destructing your relationship. Putting an end to this damage is one of the most important steps to a successful relationship.
2nd Step: Have some compassion.
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries."
Put yourself in each others shoes, look beyond your own experience and have a deeper understanding by asking why the person is reacting in this way and what is the person really feeling? Often the person who is neglecting you is also neglecting him/herself.
3rd Step: Choose your time and place.
"The wise choose their battle. The foolish battle everything and everyone and the ignorant convince themselves there is no battle to be fought."
When tempers are high, take time out with the understanding that the issue will be addressed later when emotions are calmer, and you had time to think and can be more rational about the situation. Prioritize your relationship by giving your relationship time and respectful attention. Book a time and create a safe space to talk it out.
4th Step: Protect your relationship.
"Do everything you can to preserve and protect love so that it endures forever."
We all have different influences in our lives which affects us either negatively or positively and we should be aware of each one of them and its affect it has on our relationship. Some are uninvited outside influences which you have no control over like violence (attacked/raped), death of a friend or family, illness, accidents and losing a job. When one or more of these influences are present you need to be more caring and sensitive towards your partners needs. Outside influence which you have control over like the use of drugs and alcohol, financial mismanagement, working long hours, an affair, travel, allowing people into your intimate space other than your partner, your relationships with friends and family members, moving house, fame/public scrutiny and the space we live in, we should manage with a firm hand as each of these influences can have a serious affect on your relationship.
5th Step: Calm down.
"Never speak from a place of hate, anger, jealousy, or insecurity. Evaluate your words before you let them leave your lips. Sometimes it's best to be quiet." — Tony Gaskins
When you are very upset, hurt or angry you are different from the calm person and you will say things that you might regret later. The success of a conversation depends on how calm all parties involved are. To address a difficult situation you first need to give yourself time to regain your energy and to relax while gathering your thoughts which will help you to gain real perspective.
6th Step: Check your perceptions of each other.
"Most disagreements are caused by different perceptions that created different realities."
We need to be careful not to generalize one or two experiences, our perceptions of each other can cause us to not hear the other person which will prevent us from staying calm and being understanding. It is important to look at a situation from all possible angles before coming to a conclusion.
7th Step: Create a respectful space for talking.
"Just as a bird builds a nest to hold a delicate egg, it is a good idea to build a nest for conversation into which you can put your sensitive topics."
It is always best to sit down and to switch off all electronic devices to show respect and that you are willing to give your undivided attention to the conversation.
To purchase this book:
http://www.humanrousseau.com/Books/19703