At some point I was advised by a child care provider that implementing "time-outs" for my child may help with his tantrums. Now I won't lie, as a first time mom there were times I felt hopeless and I did put him on time-outs but they didn't seem to work. Later I found out a possible reason as to why...
Time-out (also known as social exclusion) is a form of behavioural modification that involves temporarily separating a person from an environment where unacceptable behavior occurred. The traditional time-out is when a child is told to go somewhere (for instance a chair or facing a wall) alone for a determined number of minutes. Often parents are told to withhold attention and ignore any cries or requests from the child when using a time out.
According to some the use of time-out does not enhance moral behavior or teach children useful conflict-resolution skills, and it fails to address the underlying cause of the behavior. Furthermore, they claim that the parent/child bond can be damaged by forced isolation and withdrawal of love in an effort to control a child’s behavior, and this can lead to feelings of insecurity or anxiety in children, though there is no evidence that this occurs. Eventually time-outs stop working as children grow older and begin to rebel against their parents’ authoritarian approach to discipline.
The effectiveness of time-out also varies with each individual child, dependent on the child's age, temperament and emotional wellness.
Although the time-out technique can potentially prevent a behavior from occurring in the moment it can also make children feel abandoned, rejected, frightened and confused.
In my personal experiences I can honestly say I have tried the time-out technique, however, I cannot say it was very effective. I noticed my son would be more upset after a time-out than what he was before one. He would cry endlessly until he had my attention or got a hug from me. Later realizing that's all he needed.. my attention a hug, his blankie or his bobo(pacifier).
It was thanks to my older brother who (FYI doesn't have kids but loves to read) told me about Time-in.
There are many alternatives to Time Out and one of these alternatives is the
Time IN:
Time-in Is a positive parenting tool also referred too as positive time-out. This is when a child that is having a difficult moment is kindly invited to sit somewhere, near by a care giver to express their feelings and eventually cool down.
During the time in, parents are encouraged to empathize with the child’s feelings and often just quiet connection is all that is needed until the storm has passed. It doesn’t mean that you must let your child continue with a behavior that is inappropriate. The time-in gives you the opportunity to really connect and then address whatever change needs to be made.
In my case I would still isolate my son, but from all electronics rather than people. During our time-in breaks I would take that time to help him calm down whether it was through drawing pictures, coloring, practicing his ABC's or reading a book. Once he was calm and enjoying himself I'll speak on his behavior reminding him it was out of line.
"Discipline is different than punishment. Time-outs are a punishment, along with physical or verbal aggression, or taking away something dear to the child. Discipline involves limit-setting and correction using re-direction along with remaining close to the child"
-Mary C Lamia Ph.D.
Whether you're more comfortable using "time-outs" or "time-in" just remember, this too shall pass!
