About twelve years ago, I moved from home to a new city. I was alone, with no friends, and was so afraid of failing in the new endeavour I’d embarked on. During that time, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Many people around me took advantage of the fact that I did not value myself and treated me like dirt.
Four years later, I realised just how much harm I’d done to myself. It dawned on me that if I didn’t pull myself up no one would. One day, I stood in front of my mirror, took a good look at myself and told myself some truths. That day marked the beginning of a wonderful journey to a healthy self-esteem and I’m going to share some of those tips with you.
-First things first: love yourself.
To boost your self-esteem, you have to become your own best friend. People can sense when you don’t love yourself and will treat you accordingly. Do something nice for yourself: buy yourself something nice, something you previously didn’t think you deserved.
Take yourself out to lunch and enjoy your own company. Borrow the words of a wise king named Solomon and tell yourself, “You’re altogether beautiful (handsome), my love. There is no flaw in you.”
-Stop criticising yourself so much and believe that you can.
Nothing slaughters self-esteem than unhelpful criticism. Stop it! Nobody's perfect and though there are people who will be more intelligent than you are, nobody knows everything. Find the things that you’re good, no matter how little and when you do it, congratulate yourself.
Do this as often as you can. Say to yourself, “Yes, I am good enough and I can do this.” Then act on those words.
-Never compare yourself with another person. Rather, compare yourself with who you used to be. There’s a popular saying that “all fingers are not equal.”
This is real life. No matter what you do, there’s always going to be someone who’s smarter, richer, and better looking than you are. Stop trying to be like them or better than them.
When I started out as a writer, I used to envy other writers and coveted their skill and talent. I would pick a book and while reading it, daydream that I could write that brilliantly, exactly like that writer I admired. It took years for me to realise that I was envying and coveting a finished product, unmindful of the fact that several rough drafts had been written and discarded before the book I held in my hands. I also learned that it’s pointless to compete with people who’re unaware that they’re in a competition with me.
Concentrate on running life’s race in your own lane in life and let your only competitor be the old you. Ask yourself: am I better than I was yesterday? If the answer is yes, then you should be proud of yourself.
-Have a high and healthy opinion of yourself.
You have to see yourself in a good light. We act what we think. This means that if you don’t think you’re smart or intelligent, you’ll give out the negative vibes and other people won’t have a good opinion of you either.
-Take the time to appreciate yourself. Sometimes, when I have set a goal to do something that I have been afraid of doing and I succeed, I take myself out to lunch or dinner. Yes, I dress up in really fancy clothes, shoes, and jewellery, make a really nice hairdo and go somewhere expensive on my own and quietly celebrate myself.
Pick up a pen and paper and write out the things you’re good at. Give yourself a mental pat on the back. Look at the things you’ve achieved and reward yourself in some way for those milestones.
And remember to, “Be strong and of good courage. Don’t be afraid of disheartened, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9.
-Surround yourself with positive people.
There’s nothing like having good friends who believe in you, your dreams and will actively support you. These people are wonderful self-esteem boosters.
I remember one occasion when I wanted to apply for a writers’ residency but after thinking on it for a couple of days, I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough. I mean, people from all over the country were going to apply and chances were, they’d all be better than me.
A day to the expiration of the deadline, I told three friends about the residency and why I hadn’t applied. The trio immediately went to work on me, telling me how good my writing was, even citing several examples. When that didn’t work, they threatened me. I caved in and applied. I not only got into that residency, but was among the first three to be chosen.
-Learn something new.
You can boost your self-esteem by learning a new skill and getting good at it. I admire people who can speak more than one language and though I found it fascinating, I didn’t believe I could do the same, because I thought I was too old. However, I summoned the courage one day and registered myself for French and Spanish classes at a language centre.
Imagine my pleasure and the confidence boost I got when a week after I began my lessons, I was able to hold a simple conversation in both languages. This spurred me to go get a diploma in French.
-Remove yourself from negative situations that thrash your self-esteem.
There’s nothing admirable about remaining in a bad situation where you constantly doubt yourself and are always second-guessing your decisions, choices and even sanity.
Sometime ago, I used to have this friend who treated me like I was an inferior human being. No matter what I did and how brilliantly I did it, she always found a way to belittle my work and in not so many words, tell me I could never be on par with her. This really demolished my self-esteem. I began to look and treat myself in an unflattering manner. Like a child being weaned off breast milk, it took some time to get out of that relationship, but I eventually moved away and cut all ties with her.
-Know that perfection is an illusion.
Many of us are ever searching for the perfect moment, dress, spouse, job, children etc. But the reality is different. Perfection doesn’t exist and you do nothing but harm yourself if you keep striving for that elusive flawlessness. Each time you do so and fail, you think a little less of yourself and in the long run, think nothing of yourself at all.
-Accept that mistakes are a part of life and don’t beat up yourself about it.
Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations where we start to say and think things like, “How could I do that?” “How could I have made such mistake?”
The fact is, how could you not? You’re human and therefore, fallible. Rather than dwell on your mistakes, learn from them, for mistakes are one sure way to improve on your act and keep on growing.
A few times, I’ve sent my work to editors who pointed out errors I couldn’t believe I was capable of, for they were in my opinion, basic errors I shouldn’t have made, considering how long I’ve been writing. At first, I used to spend a lot of time berating myself, even to the point of depression. But now I choose to do the opposite. I accept my mistakes, learn, move on and grow.