I’m pretty sure I’m a reincarnated old Jewish woman. Like super old. I’m sure it’s a lovely religion and that’s all fine and great, but I’m not speaking in terms of religious practice per se, so you can stop Google searching recipes for homemade cyanide. Besides, I’m essentially a Splenda filled cockroach set free on the earth; I can’t be killed. I am preserved for all time. I’m too young to think, act, and speak the way that I do. I’m a fucking disgrace to women without pacemakers.
I used to consider myself a free spirit, open-minded, spontaneous, and maybe even a bit wild. “Used to” are the operative words in that sentence. The only thing spontaneous about me these days are my outbursts. Usually they center around what I perceive to be someone else’s stupidity or how I am inconvenienced by someone else’s mere being. For example: when I overhear conversations in public situations that are in directly conflict with my belief system or they’re hateful racist fuckwads, it takes all the effort I can summon to stay calm and not tell that person why they should shut the fuck up or go back to eating paste and chalk dust. This is just me getting warmed up.
Back when I saw myself as free-spirited I may have said something like “She can dress however she wants to, it’s her choice to express herself in that manner.” Jewish me is saying shit like “You should really put some clothes on Miss, the boys will think you’re one of those easy gals and it’s cold outside; you could catch your death.” Now don’t go choking on your gum as I just about did. Reality fucking check! What really happens is I say some shit like this: “What the fuck is happening here?! This chick has her titties hanging all over the place and I’m supposed to suspend belief that she’s not just using her body to get attention? I’ll gather she has nothing of any REAL importance to say with her mouth hole?” It’s ok though, I guess if I had nothing between my ears and everything in my bra, I’d play that card too. I’m just jealous. She should still wear a sweater though, it’s unseasonably cold where she lives and the flu has been really bad this year. Men, you are absolutely no better. Maybe a little better. I have drafted a template letter that I will be sending out from now on when I get nude photos from men. See below:
Dear Sir,
I’d like to thank you for the nude you sent. Sorry I can’t respond to your email in more depth. I’ve photoshopped the head of someone more attractive onto your torso and I’m furiously masturbating in the bathroom at work right now.
Thanks!
On the topic of open-mindedness; fuck off. I don’t want to hear about it.
We could talk about how cheap I’ve become, but I’m currently trying to figure out how I can get my 35.00 overdraft fee back from Bank of America. I’ve been on hold with these shit stains for 20 mins. There was money in the account but it was being held because they like to hold your money so that they can make interest off it. Anyhow, a check for my health insurance cleared (thanks for not offering it where I work, Steve) and Bank of America curtesy paid it, but then charged me 35.00 for the overdraft. Hey, dicklickers, you’ve been holding on to over a grand of mine for over a week; go fuck yourselves and give me back my 35 fucking dollars.
I only have one more thing to say before I end this little shit storm. I’m really fucking tired of people telling me that I need to think about how what I write here affects people and their feelings. For the record, I have NEVER used anyone’s birth name in one of my rants/blogs. People like to tell me that my being so judgmental isn’t fair. Guess what…I’m not enlightened and life isn’t fair. There is no way to be all-inclusive of the “feelings” of others and still honor my own. This is my space to vent the toxic shit that’s on my little heart. You don’t like it? Don’t read it, but I guarantee that every once in a while you’re going to miss some funny shit.