Asking hard questions
I told a friend of mine yesterday - someone who is very highly regarded in the gay community as a caring, authentic man - that I wanted to understand better the reasons trans people want to change their sex. He advised me to make friends and get to know them first rather than just asking the question up front. I agree, but I'm not sure that tiptoeing around the question a whole lot is necessary, either. Why? Because....
Pride Fair Day, Brisbane, Australia 2017
People appreciate honesty. They appreciate that you care enough to ask. They appreciate the opportunity to question what everyone assumes, especially when it comes to making important life decisions.
I have asked some friends of mine - and some strangers - who are parents whether they were glad they had kids. Of course I wasn't asking whether they love their children or not. But when given the opportunity - and this is very rare - they appreciate the chance to express that part of them that regrets it. And quite a few do. Which is why I am giving my nieces and nephew the opportunity to make a genuine choice by showing them information they might want to consider about the pros and cons of reproducing. If, after that, they decide to go ahead and have children, it will be an all the more wonderful and happy thing.
A friend rang me up ages ago to announce he was getting married. I knew this guy lived life in the fast lane. I said, "Are you sure? Are you ready for this? Shouldn't you think about it a bit more?" He said I was the only one who asked him that. Everyone else - family and friends - said the usual, "That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you." He invited me to the wedding as his best man, and I made a speech saying how envious I was of them and that I wished them all the happiness in the world. 1 year later they were divorced.
Ages ago I met a beautiful young man who, it turned out, was an old friend of my boyfriend. We dated once. Years later he started transitioning to become a woman. I noticed he was going to considerable lengths to date straight or bi men. To me the changes he was making eradicated his masculine appeal. At a party I asked him rhetorically, "Why are you becoming a woman? You were so good looking as a man." He didn't know how to answer. Nobody had asked him that. My boyfriend castigated me. But I don't see why I should hold my tongue. I'm not telling him he can't do what he wants.
I asked my highly-regarded gay male friend if he had ever asked his trans friends why they wanted to change their bodies and he said no, he had always just assumed it was something they felt they needed to do. I think we let people down with assumptions. We let them down by not creating the space for them to openly question their choices.
I joined a political party advocating sustainability and stable population in Australia. One of the main policies is reducing immigration. I got kicked out of it for saying I wanted Australia to retain its predominantly European character. I'm not racist. In fact I rejoice in differences and diversity. Which is why I'm not for the headlong rush Australia and other European-decended countries are in to lose their historical character. I'm not against the ultimate direction of mixing up, but not in the way and pace it's happening. The fact that most countries that are the source of migration and population growth protect their ethnicity (or don't need to) is ignored by open-border advocates, who can't put 1 and 1 together and see the ethnically suicidal path we're on – or they don't care, so poor is their appreciation of their own culture. Politics doesn't reward authenticity.