After some much need rest, I got some reading done. Been a bit slack on Essays by Plutarch. With philosophy, there isn't always a concrete answer. You can have a rather lengthy discussion about any topic. My personal favorite is the Theory of Moral Sentiments by Adam Smith. Of course, I also enjoy his more famous work The Wealth of Nations.
"The prudent man always studies seriously and earnestly to understand whatever he professes to understand, and not merely to persuade other people that he understands it; and though his talents may not always be very brilliant, they are always perfectly genuine."
I'm trying to fight the dreaded writer's block that I have. I'm opening up and loving myself, and maybe I'm a bit naive, but I have excitement in me. I sit here at my desk excited, but also reassuring myself that this isn't a dream. I'm really me, who I always was, but hid.
There have been 2 memories that have been replaying in my brain. I was young at a friends house and his mother was reading an article about a new game soon to be released, The Sims. This memory is so strong and I can easily recall it. Well, when the game came out I got it. The first sim I made, you guessed it, they were female. For most, it was as the title implied a simulation but for me, it was making who I was. I was so excited with my Sim, of course, their name was Mary.
Mary was more than just a Sim, but me. When I was around that age, I didn't know what transgender meant. I would pray and sell my soul to wake up a woman. How many times I asked the Devil to take my soul so I could be a woman. Just wake up and make what was my Sim, me, real.
The following year, I dropped religion. No relation to the praying and selling soul to the devil. I was raised Catholic and during youth group we would read the bible and what not. The traditional practices that would go on in youth group. Well, I would read the bible and I had so many questions, but nobody could give me an answer. God's will or whatever. I did ask a priest what heaven was like and their response was "You pray to God for the rest of eternity". He did sound a bit punitive when he said it, but I could just be overreacting. Sorry, I'm not going into to much detail, but I'll continue.
This all happened from about 2000-2001. Of course, I began to explore porn and sexuality, I sound so prude lol. When I was in church one day I thought to myself, "This is like S&M; there's a guy(priest) up front telling you what to do. Kneel, sing, Stand, sit, kneel, etc". Everyone was being dominated and the priest was the Dom. Not until recently did I ever say this, and it was to my therapist. I have a tendency to ramble on and say random shit. But I think that's it for today <3.
-Much love and have a great day <3