some weeks you have to sit back, hold tight and just let happen to you. This was for sure one of those weeks.
I am beginning to get a handle on my emotional involvement in everything. I have also started to take my progesterone more regularly, when I close at work its hard to remember to take it. But I do think its helped, I am going to drop my finasteride this month, all the research I've looked into would suggest that I have done everything I could hope too with that andron.
This journal is partly a way for me to look back on these years when I am older and partly to show the humanity of this trans lady and the journey we take. As such be aware that Im going to talk about body changes and feelings, just sayin.
There was no singular event this week that caused my dysphoria to hop into the front seat with me. I have been stretched fairly thin between work and home and when my stress levels go up my inability to feel safe and comfortable for sure falls apart. I fight off my dysphoria in multiple ways, my go too is always hitting the gym extra hard for a few days, then having a massive snuggle pile with my girlfriends some ice cream and a movie. These are known ways to help, and they came through for me again this week, we three went and had breakfast at our local fave spot and snuggled all day. It was great! It helped improve my mental state and stay motivated.
Allot of my dysphoria lately centers around my chest. I have come to terms with needing to get implants and am taking the necessary steps to get it done its just taking forever and i'm frustrated. I really feel that having a propper size chest would cut down on the misgendering and that would dramatically improve my state of being. So I am saving up and talking to surgeons, it will get done it just feels forever away and its upsetting. If I was not as public facing and in the mix as I am I would probably be ok with what the hormones have done for me, im a solid b cup and i feel pretty good about it, but all things considered I think the implants are my best option.
I had my laser hair removal session for the month this week and as always it was amazing! I go to left hand laser in longmont. If you live out here i totally recommend them. This is another thing that helps with dysphoria. I get my entire body lasered and having no hair is extremely affirming for me. Getting my nether regions done is sooooooooo painful, no point there just eeeek! Its painful!
It is always so humbling to look around my close circle of friends. So many amazing people that help me everyday, it just means the world to me. I want people to understand something about being transgender. Its a burden, its hard work everyday. You have to keep it together as an adult while going through puberty again. I don't care who you are you got to get how messed up hard that is. Saying that isn't a plea for sympathy but I don't think the general public gets that transition is not a single surgical event. Its years of work and pills and doctors and tears...omfg the tears...endless...
All to obtain a better life for sure but it is a tremendous effort, often done with very few friends in a world that is indifferent at best murderous at worst and holy crapnards is it hard! That has been on my mind allot this week. I hope you are all wonderful and that your days have been lovely, tune in next week for my next entry, same queer time, same queer channel. Love to each and every one of you.
Yes thats my purse, yes its a unicorn...i love it...
*Unicorn .gif by: Penn92Evans
