There are times when, regardless of the crazy world, the hateful people and the endless discussions, I look into the mirror and see what these last few years of effort have been going towards. Here's the thing, I don't care if everyone "sir's" me until I am dead. I don't care if this country makes every bathroom a death trap. I don't care if every time I step off my property I have to continue to watch my six and stay battle ready all day every day forever. I don't care if everyday is like this past Saturday, you can keep shouting. You can keep staring, and I'm willing to keep smirking when you shake your head or tell me your praying for me. I will take the abuse everyday from now until they bury me.
I am not even halfway through my transition and I have never been more happy and at peace with myself. I have never been more confident or self assured. Yes I feel the pain of rejection, yes I want to be accepted but here's the thing, I don't need the public. I don't need the masses because real motherfuckers dont play sheep. You hug me in public when i'm at my wits end and can barley take another insult, you look me in the eye and smile, that's enough. Who needs the public, I will be just fine with those woke powerful people who treat me like a person. I see you, every time I can peek up outta the boxing ring that is my daily life, I see you. Thank you so much. I've been pacing the killing floor these last two years, had my body beaten and my mind questioned. Your my life line and I love each one of you more than I can ever express. You all help me keep my head up when I want to run away.
I suppose the other side of that needs addressed as well. All those people that can feel important off my pain. All those people that stop studying and start hating. Those people that like to call me names, cut me down. You get to me, I know that makes you feel good but i'm not going to lie, you make my life harder, I take that shit to heart, think about it for days. Mull over what I did wrong, what I could have said to make you see me as a person. I care, deeply, about what you think. Partially that's vanity, but mostly it's because i'm looking at the next generation, trying to open a door.
So I get shook. I don't remember the last shift at work I didn't cry after, you are everywhere. All day. Vastly in the majority, but each one of you needs to personally make sure I understand I disgust you, I do get it, it's just allot to take and it saps my hope at times. But then that mirror pops back up. I know it irks you transphobes when I am confident and happy. So for sure yall bother me but I bounce back. Because maybe i'm ugly but i'm happy, like deeply and internally happy with who I am. I never thought this was possible, just this level I had thought was impossible, but here I am, happy as a clam.
It's worth the hate, I guess is my point. I want it to stop. I want a better world but if it's not going to change then so be it. My existence is a form of Resistance you cant fight. I chose my name very carefully, Penellope, from the Greek. Her strategy all guile and cunning, what does she know? Penellope is a tempest with a plan and I hold that in my namesake. Dihana, from the Latin, Goddess of the hunt and the moon. Patience and virtue, wild, untamable and unyielding in her desires. I came to live real, I named myself to remind me in the down times, not that these women are Gods to me, there better, they are inspirational women that stand alone in worlds dominated by men, I take on their name to honor them and bear witness not in worship. Sorry this is getting a bit deep, but I feel like it matters so i'm including it in this entry. Its been on my mind this week so it bears noting I think.
As Leslie Knope so boldly said "Make me stag, I am Diaphena!" I get a bit meta with myself sometimes. It helps. I feel as though my patches are starting to level out. I am back in the gym after a bit of a sporadic month, that helps allot as well, working off some of the fear and anger is something I look forward to everyday.
I feel like this fight for equality is only beginning to boil. We are three months into the year and the death toll is already out of control, people are certainly starting to feel more bold in the expression of hate, but let me tell ya the number of people who are waking up to the fact that we are just people is on the rise, the upcoming generation is done with this old hate bullshit and are marching. We are cursed to be in the midst of exciting times I count myself lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. Good week, life's hard but im counting this one as a win. Love to you all, I hope your day is exactly what you need it to be.
