“I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.”
― Kahlil Gibran,
I remember the smell of fresh air, the breathtaking view of the snow-capped mountains of the Patagonia. I can see the river carved the landscape below. The ceaselessly flowing water, or was it just tears streaming down my face?
This is how it is to be free, doing the things that really make me happy. Things that make feel alive and go scream in madness. I can be myself.
Do you remember those times when you laugh so hard about something? A funny movie perhaps. Can you hear yourself sing as you play the guitar? Or that time when you were about to jump from the cliff towards the cold water of the sea, did you feel so alive? Those times when you were not feeling anything but the present moment. Those moments when you weren’t really thinking anything, suddenly you forgot to be sad, worried, stressed out because you were so focused on whatever you were doing at the moment.
You die to the past - this is the beginning of your freedom.
I have felt this when I was traveling. I have witnessed nature at its best, such beauty with all my lifetime to appreciate. I have never felt that I belong to the world outside anyway, all the noise, the people, the smoke. I’m nothing but an outsider. I found freedom in my own madness. I am the mad girl trapped in a body pretending to be like everyone else. Here in nature, I found solace. I can run freely until my legs get so tired, with no one to judge. I can stare in awe without thinking, just appreciating the beauty the surrounds me. I felt the massive space of the earth, the power of the mighty Condor soaring above me, and all the other things below me that seemed so tiny now.
I am free. I am free to feel whatever I want. I can feel happy, lonely, excited or scared whenever I want. I no longer live up to people’s expectations, I have my own life to live.
This was what I needed - freedom. It is such a big burden for some people, which I can understand. Imagine having the sole responsibility to take care of yourself, to do whatever you want without causing harm to others, to think for yourself, to be carefree. People do not like that kind of responsibility, as for some it could be too much.
Perfect company or perfect solitude. I can enjoy the company of a few good people, perhaps merge all our freedom together. But I’m not scared to lose anyone anymore because I don’t own anyone. I don’t own anything and I have nothing to lose.
I am free.
“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre