“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)” ― Sylvia Plath
For a long time, I refused to need anyone special or anyone to call my own, I had found comfort in solitude. I found solace in nature, where there’s nothing but pure bliss. Happiness was awakened from a deep sleep. I didn’t know how to love nor express it to people who deserve it. I was a selfish being who was heavily guarded, brought about by the things of the past.
I found myself staring at the sunset every day as I walked along the shore, such a paradise to spend some time with myself. I knew that it would also be nice to share the beauty of the moment with a good company. But I had to go through it all, I had to first appreciate what nature's beauty was like, even stare at it through tears. I never knew what enjoying life was like until I broke free from the chains of the past. My heart has taken me to a vast desert of solitude, where there was no one with me, absolutely no one.
Until I found myself nowhere to rest my head on this journey called life, I started to see with a clear vision and without fear, that the best things are yet to come. Through all those lonely walks along the beach, as I watched the sun fade behind the horizon, I began to appreciate the good things in life. The good things in life are just around me - wild and free.
As I traveled, I had the chance to go back to nature and appreciate both its beauty and power over me. Its power to change the way I feel, both happiness and sadness, as both are necessary for my own growth. I had this little conversation inside my head, reflecting on the past, savoring the now and understanding the uncertainty of future. At the same time, wondering how these wonderful creations come to existence. It became a spiritual exercise for me to just silently gaze at things, and to be aware of the present moment. I’m not a spiritual person or anything you want me to be, but as I traveled, I had confirmed myself what those gurus were trying to teach. But I formed my own religion, I worshiped myself and nature. I celebrated life!
The moment I decided to die to the past and live in the now, was the start of the rest of my life.
I tried to cure loneliness through emotional dependence on people, when all this time, happiness was just there in my heart, waiting to be awakened. I started doing the things that I love to do. I went away from the crowd and had an orgy with the sky, the trees, the sea, the stars and the mountains. This is how it is to be happy.
Until you know how to seek for that happiness on your own, until you know how to be ceaselessly aware of the present moment, then you will be able to spread the love and joy to those around you. I didn’t deny my own feelings, I was happy when I’m sad, I was happy when I’m alone, I was happily feeling all those feelings and bringing them into the present. I tried to recognize these feelings, I didn’t fight them. I felt it all.
I found my own madness a rare quality that I’m not ashamed of. I can be extremely happy or sad, and I can also find myself being in between. I can be diagnosed with whatever disorder or dysfunctionality you want me to have...but,
I am what I am.
“I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”
― Henry David Thoreau