WHERE ARE THESE FEELINGS COMING FROM?
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42
Some of our interactions with people around the world were really exceptional. There is no way to recount all those times, as every moment was an exciting twist, and our joyous inertia catapulted us into greater and more potent experiences. We met some amazing people along the way, some who would change our lives forever.
In contrast to being home completely alone as the center and loving focus of Quinn’s attention, traveling provided quite the contrast and was incredibly expanding. It presented me with some additional challenges I hadn’t really had to face before.
Having been married to a man 16 years my senior (and my boyfriend previous to marriage was also 16 years older), I was accustomed to almost always being the young one, the most vibrant and healthiest too. When getting together with Quinn, all of that changed!!
Now I was on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. This took a bit of getting used to, especially when people would ask if I was his mother! In easily seeing the difference in our ages, I could understand how people would consider that to be the case. But our affection for each other I figured blatantly painted another story!
In our travels there were many exciting things to tune into on top of our one-on-one relationship. The situations we engaged opened the vortex for a plethora of happenings all around us. Quinn, being ever present in the moment, diverted his focus from being solely on me, to whatever the moment called for. That meant engaging realities of all kinds, including making deep connections with other people.
People from all walks of life, men, women and children took hold of Quinn’s energy. I loved seeing how people were immediately attracted to him, and the personal attention he would give them. His passing interactions were a delight to witness, as I could see that people’s lives were changing just by coming in contact with this beautiful soul.
I was amazed to see how in tune he was with each person, and at the same time, I began to feel the twinge of.....WTF! jealousy....arise within, as the more time he spent with others, the less time he really spent with me.
It was no secret what a beauty this man was. I delighted in every aspect of his Being, and it was obvious that his light could not be dimmed. Women in particular were drawn to him, some so focused on him, they didn't even consider me. My breath would quicken, and my nerves would go on edge. I knew Quinn was so open and so loving, that I was afraid of what could happen in even quick moments of these deep interactions. My insecurities were beginning to arise. Some of them were so deep seated that I didn’t even know they were there until triggered.
I had been jealous once before in high school when my boyfriend got together with another girl in the middle of our homecoming date. I broke up with him the next day at school, and just walked away. He came to me at our 10 year H.S. Reunion and apologized for messing us up, and how much he regretted his actions all these years.
I had never really been jealous in my life other than that high school drama on Homecoming. Even when the women were swooning over my was-band (who was quite the catch), I felt secure, loved, and unafraid. I didn’t really know what to do with these new feelings of jealousy, but to feel them and tell myself I was better than that.
I realized that when someone “has” something they feel is very valuable, they feel the urge to hang on tightly. At least that is what I did. Having never experienced anything as profound as our love, I was sure to make it my top priority, and to give it all the time, attention and energy from the bottom of my soul.
But, I actually didn’t “have” Quinn. I didn’t own him, or his time or attention. He never promised me fidelity or security or longevity. This valuable "asset" actually never promised me anything - other than right now!
Warnings from the unschoolers entered my mind “He’s unattached to everything, don’t get involved with him, you’ll just get hurt”!
I knew that what was ultimately most important to Quinn was his freedom.
And he was free! I was deeply afraid inside of what true freedom meant, especially to someone so dynamic and in flow with the offerings of life. He had intentionally crafted his life so that he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I loved Quinn for his freedom, and I wanted it for myself.
And yet I deeply feared it at the same time.
There was nothing wrong with any of the interactions Quinn had with people. In fact, his ability to be in love in presence right now was one of the things I loved and appreciated about him the most. The problem was my own ideas, fears and insecurities that I didn’t know how to manage.
Nothing really changed with us. When we were together, we were really together.
Quinn was showing me how much love there was to go around, and I sadly began to realize that deep on the inside, I wanted it all for myself.
OH NO!!!! I was becoming one of those kind of people in his life who Quinn told me long ago used to always want more of him.
How do I turn off this flood of emotions--or do I? Am I to really go into it and feel it, make it be quiet so it will just go away, or simply pretend that those feelings weren't present?
What am I going to do with myself?
I had already become aware that Quinn's purpose was way bigger than me, and I also knew that his love could not be contained. Trickles of fear began to enter as I questioned my insecurities. What it really boiled down to was my lack of believing in my own worthiness. This, of course, had nothing to do with Quinn or the beauty he shared with others, it really had to do with me, and where I was within myself.
Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 44
Get in on the series from @saramiller about her own intriguing personal experience at the @gardenofeden.
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