Conquering Perfectionism and Learning to Learn
(4 min read)
When I was a teenager I was almost fearless. This is the blessing (and curse?) of teens. They're brave enough and inexperienced enough to fully believe they're capable of changing the world. (And with such brazen beliefs, they are.)
What happens when those fearless teenagers start to grow up? If they're like me, maybe they experience the vastness of the world and quickly begin to feel underprepared and overwhelmed. Add a dash of insecurities here and there, and you have the perfect recipe for fear to set in. We learn that the world is not what we thought it was, and we know waaay less than we thought we did.
Then comes the process of testing the waters of "real life". Sometimes I look back and think about the fact that T and I got married WHEN WE WERE 19 and 20, moved to a new city, and got our first apartment so I could continue studying dance. What. I know I'm not too much older now, but I think about the things I know now compared to the things I knew then, and my jaw drops a little. What on earth were we thinking?
Granted, there's no way I'd be the person I am today without those choices. The last four years of partnering through life with an incredible human being has taught me more than I ever could have imagined. Jumping into "real life" feet first forced me to quickly discern the important from the trivial.
The things that I've learned since have gone (and continue to go) through iteration after iteration. Gradual understanding deepens each time a lesson is learned or experienced. One of the iterations that has been majorly highlighted during our time in Germany is the significance of values and how they directly and indirectly affect our lives everyday. For example, the title of this post conquering perfectionism and learning to learn is a brief story about how one of my values conflicted with one of the fears I had developed.
One of my most cherished values is growth. This means that I actively work to find ways to grow in everyday life and make significant life choices with this perspective. (hello moving to Germany) Which often means putting myself in uncomfortable situations where I'm forced to respond beyond what comes naturally. The trouble is I tend to lean towards perfectionism, which is a hugely debilitating trait to possess in this instance. One desire seemingly collides with a contrasting desire and what is the result? Immobility. Which is the total opposite of growth.
Shortly before we left Omaha and moved to Germany I had the opportunity to take a modern master class with Ailey II. I hadn't been dancing very much at the time, and it had probably been about two years since I attended a "real class". I was nervous and embarrassed by my current technique level. But it was Ailey! It was guaranteed to be an amazing class, and it had been so long since I'd taken a Horton technique class. Ugh. Confliction. I couldn't decide whether to go or not.
So how did I resolve this problem?
1. I recognized what was a value and what was a fear.
It dawned on me that the only thing keeping me from going was the fear of looking stupid and inadequate. Which is a terrible reason to not do anything. My perfectionism was not a trait, but simply a fear. A fear of not being good enough–and fears can be dealt with. Whereas taking the class and doing the uncomfortable thing was an embodiment of my chosen value, growth.
2. I found a way to confront the fear because of the importance of my value.
The only way to eradicate a fear is to directly engage it. If I didn't go, by default I would be choosing fear over my value to grow. That's not okay. So I went to the class. Because I realized I valued what I would learn from it more than I what I feared in doing it. Sure enough, it turned out to be super awesome and I came away from the master class better off than when I went into it.
(Pro-tip: every time we inadvertently choose fear over a value, it becomes more difficult to choose that value at a later time. Next time you have to choose between the two, silence all those thoughts going through your head, and just get up off your butt and do whatever it is you've been wanting to do. Remember that your feelings are indicators of your subconscious choices; they don't have to dictate your conscious ones.)
Now I find myself reliving the same situation daily, in much smaller ways. There are days when I really don't want to go to the grocery store because I HATE the thought of trying to communicate in German. My German totally sucks. I can speak (on a good day) at the level of a three or four year old. I hate feeling stupid when I can't spout perfect German or say the things I want to.
But that's just it. In order to learn something, you have to not know something. You can't put information where it already exists, whether it's taking a dance class, going to the grocery store, or trying to get by in a foreign language. Every day here I'm humbled by my inability to communicate easily. Every day I have the opportunity to look stupid, laugh at myself and grow. If I'm not willing to let go of my pride (read: perfectionism) and look foolish at times, I'll never learn the language and accomplish this goal. So as difficult as it is sometimes, it's not an option to choose fear over my value.
I may not be almost fearless anymore. At least not in the naive way I was before. Now, I’m almost fearless because I’m giving my values priority, actively choosing to pursue them, and consequently banishing my fears to oblivion. Some days it effortless, somedays it's a serious challenge. One that often requires more of me than I'd like to give at times. But one day I'll look back, just like I look back at getting married when I was 20 and say, "Thank God I did that."