Time in the air always gives me a pause from the daily rhythms and lets my mind float around to contemplate my life. Tonight my plane chased the setting sun as it flew east to west from New York to Portland and I watched the continuous sunset in the blood red sky for nearly 3 hours of the 6 I was flying, it was extraordinary.
This trip was a good one. Really effective presentations at architectural and interiors firms, really nice and long overdue time with the various branches of my family, some time with steemit friends, some amazing art at the Metropolitan Museum, and endless walking around New York City.
Although I came to see the Michelangelo exhibit, this Rodin sculpture of
Cupid and Psyche really moved me
But what’s on my mind as I fly home are the new possibilities that have opened up in my life recently. I feel like I’m stepping into a new chapter of my life and although I can feel the general outline of the changes, the details aren’t clear yet.
About a month ago 
As I worked my way through her long list of questions, there was one that kind of stumped me: “Describe your ideal life”. This isn’t an unusual question but I kept putting off answering it and then I felt annoyed about having to. When I looked underneath that irritation, I found a well of frustration and even a bit of despair - all the result of various disappointments.
There was a time not so long ago when I used to dream big and knew what my dreams were. But recently after many years of chasing dreams that I thought were leading me somewhere, I’ve realized that I wasn’t really getting where I wanted to go and that I didn’t much like this place my life had taken me so far.
Things just hadn’t turned out as I’d hoped and I now see in retrospect that to protect myself, I stopped considering what I actually wanted and instead just chose from what was in front of me. Honestly I didn’t realize that I’d stopped knowing what I really want! I had never imagined this would happen to me, that I would be halfway through my life and be one of those people who felt disillusioned. But it did happen and I’m just thankful that it only lasted a year or 2.
So this question about what my ideal life looks like has prompted me to ask myself over and over about what I actually want. Not what I should do, not what would move my career forward, not what will do well in today’s current market, but what actually makes butterflies fly around my insides to imagine doing?
It’s so powerful to have the permission to play with possibilities whether they are realistic or not and I’m quickly discovering what kinds of things make me come alive. What’s most important for now is to be able to dream and touch in with my passion and desire rather than to get stuck on details since I trust that the right ideas will come together in the right ways. And while I haven’t defined the entire shape of “my ideal life” I am starting to see little pieces, and they keep growing. This is incredibly exciting and I feel a kind of new lease on life.
Something that keeps coming up is a hunger to have complete creative freedom with an art project or a few art projects. You see, I’ve been making ceramic commissions for years and years and now I wonder what I might like to make if I have the choice to work outside of the parameters of a commission.
Commissions by definition mean working specifically within someone else’s guidelines, of concept, space, timeline, budget. I’m the first to say that these limits give rise to great creativity and I’ve always appreciated the challenges presented, but I also crave the balance of some work that allows for exploration and isn’t tied to an end product determined by someone else.
When I think about this, a different paradigm arises in my mind. One where I can explore different avenues to see what will come together as a finished piece. One that includes travel and working in collaboration with artists in other parts of the world. One that pays me well for my explorations, curiosity and process. And in all my imaginings, I’m really loving the entire process of making, of relationship, and the storytelling about this process makes the whole thing make sense and have even more meaning. Ahhh the magical possibilities for a creative with Steemit in my world!
How profound it is to be able to dream, to feel the world open up for me again after feeling so compressed and trapped. To have this fresh air of possibility blow through my window is more rich and beautiful than I can say. At times I can hardly contain my excitement, amazement and gratitude at my good fortune.
Even though I can’t see it all yet, I can feel it and my progress and action will depend on trusting that crypto won’t all come crashing down. But most of all, trusting Steemit and you my community. Trusting that you’ll be by my side to support me through my explorations and my journey.
I want to thank Ashley for her project and for including me in it. I was honored to be chosen
and so grateful for the mindspace that has opened up as a result. And I thank all of you for your amazing support which is enabling me to create a life that brings me joy!
early morning flying west to east through the dirty window
for the gif