On February 26th 2017 on a Sunday evening, I sat on the beach on the island of Tokoriki, Fiji, part of the Mamanuca Islands.
The beach is on my doorstep so taking advantage, I wanted to set my intentions for the new moon, to follow later that evening. It was 18:36 PM, the sea was calm and the air balmy. I was the only one on the beach; it was the perfect dusk.
Crystal Cleansing
I brought two magical crystals, all the way from Rishikesh, with me to Fiji. Before I left my Sydney apartment, I scanned my crystal circle with my hand and felt the most energy over these two. They were the ones I needed to bring with me. An amethyst cluster and a Quartz with black tourmaline and citrine infused within as well as the tiniest droplet of water, which I can’t even begin to think, how long that dates back?!
Having researched the use of Amethyst I learnt that Amethyst derives from the Greek word meaning “not intoxicated,” preventing drunkenness and overindulgence. Amethyst is still a remarkable stone of spirituality and contentment, known for its metaphysical abilities to still the mind and inspire an enhanced meditative state. Its inherent high frequency purifies the aura of any negative energy or attachments, and creates a protective shield of Light around the body, allowing one to remain clear and centred while opening to spiritual direction. It initiates wisdom and greater understanding and is a stone of comfort for those grieving the loss of a loved one. It can expand the higher mind also enhances one’s creativity and passion. It strengthens the imagination and intuition and refines the thinking processes. It helps in the assimilation of new ideas, putting thought into action, and brings projects to fruition. It is a talisman of focus and success.
Impressive, I chose right!
My Quartz with citrine and tourmaline is believed to have strong metaphysical properties. These stones have a powerful ability to remove your Auric field of negativity. When the light that resonates from these crystals surrounds the body, this acts as a powerful protective field of energy, to keep you safe, and shield you from harm.
Citrine helps us to maintain direction and overcome obstacles. It can assist with setting proper emotional boundaries and has a playful energy that can bring light and optimism.
I sat on that beach after rinsing my crystals in the salty ocean as I watched the sun sink behind the Yanuya Island facing me. The sky was sprinkled with clouds and the romantic colours of pink and purple with orange splattered through it. The air was warm and humid but the breeze was slightly cool with the slightest hint of the smell of rain in the distance.
Setting my Intentions
I brought my hand-written letter to the Universe. After watching one of Gabby Bernstein’s “Manifesting Miracles” workshops online, I decided to give this “intention setting” a try. I set my intentions, wrote them down in a letter, addressed to the Universe and tucked the letter away in my Ariana Huffington book (still to read), “Thrive”.
Gabby suggests keeping your intentions for a week or so then throw them away, knowing and trusting the Universe will deliver. As I am on holiday, I figured just popping the letter into my book for a few days will be just as good. Instead of waiting a full week, I intuitively felt that tonight was a good time to send that letter to the Universe. So reading out my intentions I offered the letter to the ocean and watched the sea send it away, just in time for the sun to disappear completely behind the island.
The Hermit Crab
I sat down on a rock on the beach for a moment just absorbing the surrounds and reminding myself how darn lucky I was to be there, in Fiji, experiencing all this beauty. While sitting in awe, I watched a hermit crab make its way to the ocean in grace.
I watched that little crustacean carry its load on its back as it glided sideways to the sea. I started to analyse this little creature, in true Virgo style and started seeing the similarities in myself and that tiny living organism.
Every hermit crab bears the burden of carrying its home on its back wherever it travels. The Hermit Crab has a shell that is also their home.
They crawl in it and live in it when they need to rest, or they fear what is around them. Their bodies are quite vulnerable, and that is why they have to rely on that shell to offer them plenty of protection.
You will find the hermit crab living in a variety of locations, highly adaptable although they do need to be where they can find shells. This is why you will mainly find them living around the oceans.
The Hermit Crab is a “social climber”, they love to climb, and that is something that allows them to explore their environment. They tend to be in their shells during the day but then come out at night and can be very active.
The Hermit Crab isn’t able to bite because they don’t have any teeth. However, they do have the ability to pinch. They will do so if they feel they are in danger and they aren’t able to coil up in their shell. They will also pinch if they are in their shell and someone is trying to coax them out of it.
I watched this crab move sideways into the ocean and felt the anxiety that it must feel on a daily basis. I understood that crab, for I resemble him all too well.
I’m a hermit, a nomad, a gypsy. Call me what you wish. I seem to cart around my luggage wherever I move, always excess baggage, always upgrading my Samsonite hard case.
I live out of my suitcase constantly and prefer locales near the ocean. I too have lived in a variety of locations and still don’t have a place to call “home”. I have numerous storage units around the world housing all my “material stuff” I have collected over the years. I, like the crab, am very adaptable, and I come out of my shell at night. When I feel I am in danger or have been hurt, I too coil up inside my shell and don’t come out for a very long time. In fact, I’ve only just crawled out of my shell after a lengthy four-year period after having my heart ripped from my chest and torn into a million pieces with a razor blade on a butcher’s block.
In contrast to other social organisms, hermit crabs socialise with non-relatives. The reason is their dispersal mechanism: the crabs spend their entire adult lives on land, but to reproduce they still need the sea, and into it, they release their developing larvae. Once in the ocean, those larvae become well mixed and are transported considerable distances at the whim of the tide. By the time an immature crab first arrives on land, it is therefore far from any of its relatives, encountering instead only an assortment of non-kin.
Daddy Issues
Like the crab, I too socialize with non-relatives. I lost my mother at sixteen when she died of meningitis. Three years before that my Father left my mom and me for his current wife (mom's friend) and her two kids from her second marriage. My relationship with my father has been pretty dire, to say the least. To put it into perspective I can go three years without hearing the sound of my dad’s voice on the phone. If I don’t instigate a meet up when I visit London, it won’t happen, and even that is traumatic enough, to try to coax him into meeting me for a three-hour stint. I labeled him my “Whatsapp Father” the last four years or so; as the only contact would be the odd WhatsApp free text from him once in a blue moon. The contact has got so few, and far between that, unfortunately, he’s even lost this title now.
It has left me fucked up, yes. I’ve gone through all the usual ‘Daddy issues’ (father either absent in life altogether or physically present but emotionally unavailable) and traumas in trusting the opposite sex.
You see I once was that little “Princess” who was spoiled rotten by her father and had him wrapped around her little finger. Until he moved on. I’ve lost the physical father I once knew, and now the emotional one seems he’s on his way out too. I was hurt, I used to get upset and incredibly sad. But over the years and through personal growth I have come to accept it for what it is. We all have choices in life. This is his choice, I can’t be angry or upset for his choices. He has free will and I have to accept and respect that. I can’t hold grudges or attachment. I’m on this new vibe at the moment practicing ‘non-attachment”, and it’s working pretty well for me. Another goodie I’m mastering is having no expectations on anyone (material for my next blog.)
Daddy Dearest has never visited my apartment in Dublin. A thirty-minute flight from London and a span of ten years, I have heard every excuse, as to why he couldn’t visit my place. I have tenants in there now, but I lived in the home for three years and every other summer I kept it open, so I could fly back and forth from Europe to enjoy my space. The lack of enthusiasm had me in tears and very distraught, but I learnt to accept it for what it was, and now understand that I can’t force someone to do something, it’s their free will- his free will, to not be a part of my life and the milestones such as buying a house. I know he will not be a part of my life when I get married or have children. I’ve come to terms with this and have zero expectations going forward.
So with no mom, an emotionally unavailable father and being the only child, I am doomed for failure right? (wrong btw).
With so few “real-time” relatives, I rely on my friends, my travels and my career to keep me going.
“Family” – the foreigner.
I can’t even imagine what it must be like to pick up the phone and call or even text your mother or father.
To tell them you’ve had a shit day; got a promotion, fell in love, had your heart broken, fell pregnant or had a miscarriage. The concept is so incredibly foreign to me. I don’t have that “go-to” to call to get me out of trouble or to simply talk shit over a cup of tea. I have myself, social media, Google and an admirable bookshelf of Self Help Authors. My Soul Sisters are the likes of Gabby Bernstein, Kris Carr, Tara Stiles, Marianne Willaimson and Rebecca Campbell.
There’s no wonder I’m like that hermit crab and keep moving, for I have no ‘home’, no base, no parental structure and no family values. I have no need to be home every Christmas. I can’t even recall when last I had a Christmas with my family – the last ‘relative’ Christmas I recall was with my mom's family, and that was only because we were already gathered for moms funeral which was six days before Christmas day. Oh the convenience.
And while I was trying to enjoy this family day out- without mom, my father thought it would be a splendid idea to take his new girlfriend and her two kids to England. Not that a sixteen-year-old child would need her father with her at her mother’s funeral, Nah she’d be okay, and a cold Christmas sounded like a much better idea. So on the sixteenth of December that blurred nineteen-ninety-four; three days before the passing of my mother, father and new clan jetted off to London as I sat at my mom’s deathbed watching her die. But I got to spend Christmas with my relatives. Looking on the bright side…
The Lonely Child Syndrome
I see now, how and why, I have been referred to as cold, unemotional, closed, unattached and having the ‘only child syndrome’. I think it is more a case of the ‘lonely child syndrome’. I’m used to doing things – and by that, I mean EVERY THING- by myself, on my own, and my way. I never had direction, assistance or help to guide me or teach me qualities such as sharing or caring. Growing up, when I got something I treasured, from chocolate to boyfriend, I clung on to it for dear life, with the anxiety of losing it. I had to figure all this shit out on my ace.
What this has taught me is to treasure and value my friendships I do have – with all my soul. And that I do. I value loyalty and trust, and these are the most important attributes and qualities I look for in any human being.
Being a hermit for almost my entire life, I keep moving, keep making new friends, and although my bonds with most of my real friends are incredibly strong, it’s not always easy to pick up the phone when I’m in Sydney, and they are in San Diego. Some may think I spend too much time on social media or share too much, but truth be told, I don’t have anyone else to “share” with on a daily basis. As you would pick up the phone and ring your mum on the way home from work to bitch about your boss, I don’t have that luxury, so my outlet is a social rant.
I haven’t had the guidance or education from either parent about life, growing up, what’s acceptable, what’s not. Hence some may question my thoughts behind my brash behaviour at times. I have learnt to find happiness from within and to let go anything and anyone that no longer serves me. Since I have adopted this approach my life is a lot smoother, less melodramatic and more consistent. I haven’t had a depressive episode for years (but yes I do still have some down days like everyone) and now know how to control my sadness – choosing happiness instead of fear. I only wish I grew up during the internet era and the self-help section had existed in my high school library. During the Apartheid years growing up in South Africa, I hadn’t heard of Richard Branson, Tony Robbins or Abraham Hicks.
I’ve got this!
Considering having ‘experienced life’ on my own for the last twenty-two years (since the age of sixteen) I think I have done pretty okay. I’ve travelled extensively, put myself through tertiary education (inheritance), found my own jobs, had an amazing thirteen-year career in PR and Advertising and then a further seven on Superyachts. I’ve bought and owned two properties. I’ve lived “on my own” since I was eighteen (having spent the last two years after moms death living with my best friend, while I finished high school) and although I have dabbled in alcohol and drugs, I never had any addictions or red flags to raise concern..
I’ve lived in South Africa, London, Dublin, Mallorca and Sydney and spent seven years between the Med, the US and the Caribbean – doing bursts on all continents. I’ve even travelled across India alone – now that was a feat on its own, if not the most grounding, humbling and challenging experience of my entire life.
And I continue to keep moving, travelling, exploring and still living my life to the max. Just like that hermit crab.
Am I that Crab on the run?
As I watched the changing tide, thoughts crept into my head about a conversation I recently had with an ex-boyfriend, on a recent meet up (after six years apart). He told me that I keep running away, that I never stay in a place long enough. This got me thinking and evaluating my life and behavioural patterns too.
Maybe I am always on the run? Am I THAT hermit crab taking off into the ocean with her life on her back, again?
The Reality
The reality of it is that with my South African passport (which affords you many passport pages filled with colourful visa stamps) and with no family home to visit (not welcomed at father’s home by the stereotypical “evil step-mother”), my options are A). TO return to South Africa and make a life there OR B). Keep moving, travelling and being free.
I’ve chosen the latter. For now, I’m quite happy to carry my home in my suitcase and keep moving – not quite knowing ‘where to next?’.
I would love to be able to live permanently in Sydney, the States or Paris. Without sponsorship, a green card or a bun in the oven, I have to keep applying for visas, keep moving between countries doing three-month stints, hoping I win the USA Green Card lottery. I have chosen to start my own business – this should afford me the flexibility to travel the world and not have to work for a ‘suit & corporate’ just for immigration and sponsorship purposes. Once again, I’ve got this! Maybe some day I will find a miraculous Angel Investor to come on board and afford me citizenship in a country holding a passport- any colour but green!
Farewell Crab
I watched that hermit crab crawl into the sea. Sadness swept across my face as I watched him disappear into the foam. I wondered where he would end up and if he would be ok. He looks like he’s “got it” all under control. The sun left the day behind.
I grabbed my crystals and closed my eyes, I felt the warmth on my skin, the breeze against my face and the salty sea wrapped around my feet. I took a deep breath and somehow knew everything would be ok. Just like that little crab who carries his life on his back, not knowing where he will end up tomorrow, he trusts the universe and the tides to look after him.
The Moon Song- Scarlette Johansson
I walked back up to my villa. I went to my bedside and picked up the photo I have of my mum. I carry it everywhere with me, it is the one of her holding me when I was about a year old, making her twenty-one.
I went over to my Spotify and was drawn to my Scarlett Johansen playlist. I shuffled and “The Moon Song” came on.
I played this as I sat on my deck holding that photo and my amethyst crystal, watching the sky gradually move from purple to indigo as the stars slowly popped into the sky, almost like popping candy on your tongue.
Tears streamed down my face, but not of sadness. Tears of comfort and safety.
I don’t recall having ever heard this song, but it’s the first song that played on shuffle.
The words are:
I’m lying on the moon
My dear, I’ll be there soon
It’s a quiet and starry place
Time’s we’re swallowed up
In space we’re here a million miles away
There’s things I wish I knew
There’s no thing I’d keep from you
It’s a dark and shiny place
But with you my dear
I’m safe and we’re a million miles away
We’re lying on the moon
It’s a perfect afternoon
Your shadow follows me all day
Making sure that I’m
Okay and we’re a million miles away
On that beach earlier that evening as I closed my eyes I spoke to my Mother and asked her to give me a message tonight.
I believe this song was her message.
Everyone knows my fascination with the moon. My new business name “Stellar & Luna” was derived from my passion for stars and the moon, astronomy and the milky way. I have stars and the moon-cycle tattooed on my feet and tomorrow is a New Moon- Solar Eclipse in Pisces. Appropriate lyrics to end the cycle of the current moon and start an entirely new cycle?
I smiled as the chorus ended with the lyrics “Your shadow follows me all day, Making sure that I’m, Okay and we’re a million miles away”.
The New Moon will look after that Hermit Crab.
That hermit crab will survive. Just as it relies on the tide to take him onwards, I know that the new moon tomorrow, brings new things and I too will survive – who knows where I will end up but that’s all part of my exciting journey.
