My Vipassana Experience (Part 2 of 3)
It took me so long to finish writing about my vipassana experience because I struggled with the duality of the experience. On the one hand - it was pure magic. Several times throughout the retreat I could feel the energy flowing through my body. I could feel and experience my body on a cellular level. I relived past experiences. I felt powerful. I felt alive. On the other hand - I felt like I was in prison. The days dragged on and I thought the 10 days would never end. I don’t know if words can truly capture or articulate my experience, but here is my attempt.
Day 0
I convinced myself that I could do anything for 10 days. It turns out, I can (spoiler alert - I didn’t leave early). But, it was much more difficult than I imagined. I thought I had prepared myself for 10 days of silence. But, there is nothing like 10 days of silence and solitude for uncovering all of the crevices of your own mind and for me, there were some dark corners!
When we arrived at the facility, the men and women were separated. Daniel and I said our goodbyes and I was ushered off to the women’s section of the center. The check-in process was long and tedious; I stood in one line after another - for HOURS! As the hours passed by, I realized that I was the only white woman. Everyone else was Indian. I have never been in a room with that many people (200+ women) where everyone else had a different skin color - it was isolating and made me feel like I was on display.
The first time I used the bathroom at Dhamma Giri, I was confronted with an Indian-style toilet, which is essentially a hole in the ground. My heart sank. Sure, I’d used a similar style toilet a few times sporadically along our travels - but the thought of exclusively using this type of toilet for 10 days horrified me. Thankfully, the other bathrooms were equipped with a western-style toilet.
As the hours passed by, my excitement waned and eventually morphed into full blown anxiety. I was paralyzed by my own fear. I fantasized about running away but continued to robotically go through the motions to finish the check-in process. I signed a pledge to stay for the full length of the course and, after that point, I felt morally obligated to stay.
After completing the four hour check-in process, I was directed to the cafeteria for a snack. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so I was pretty hungry. I waited in yet another line - picked up a metal tray (cue prison analogy) and froze at the sight of a large vat of white mush. The girl behind me asked “are you familiar with Indian food?” - I didn't have an answer. This wasn’t the baingan bharta / tiki masala kind of indian food that I ate frequently in the United States. In front of me was a huge pot of an unrecognizable white gooey substance. Silver lining - I might shed more than just a few pounds during this course! I opted for some chai tea and headed toward my room, hoping to find some refuge.
I was lucky to be assigned a private room with a western-style toilet. Phew. My room was R32 - located on the “R” block. This place was feeling more and more like a prison. I quickly made my bed with the pillow and sheets that I brought with me, careful not to scrutinize the mattress or room too much - too afraid of what I might find in my “home” for the next 10 days. Here’s a little glimpse into my humble abode:
Before the silence commenced, there was an introductory discourse near the cafeteria. I was bombarded by several curious participants wanting to know where I was from, why I was there, how I heard about Dhamma Giri, etc. Most of the people around me were speaking Hindi. I felt like a spectacle. Once again I fantasized about running away. I didn't like the attention and was out of my comfort zone. I yearned for the silence that was to come - at least then I wouldn’t feel like such an outcast or a circus monkey.
After the English discourse, the language barrier between me and everyone else (including the instructors and assistant instructors) became more and more obvious. The English discourse ended about 5-7 minutes before the Hindi discourse and this was a trend throughout the course. Perhaps it takes longer to say the same thing in Hindi or perhaps Goenka felt more comfortable speaking in Hindi and elaborated more. Did I mention that all of the instructions for meditation and discourses come from audio and/or video of the late S.N. Goenka. Idolization is really not my thing, but more on that later. Several of the instructors approached me and directed me to go to the English discourse and I struggled to explain in a way that they could understand that it was already finished. One of the assistants then ordered me to sit in the Hindi discourse and directed me to the back of the room. To get there, I had to walk through the entire crowd (while the discourse continued in Hindi). If any of the women had missed the lone white girl, they saw me now. Once I got to the back I quietly stood in the corner, which prompted another assistant to demand that I sit in an open chair in the middle of the room. So, I shimmied through the line of women to take my seat. Not more than 30 seconds passed before one of the assistants started waving her arms at me, directing me to come back to the front of the room. All I wanted was to curl into a ball in the corner. A few of the women tried to direct me (yet again) to the English discourse. After communicating that I had, indeed, already finished the English discourse I was sent to sit in a room adjacent to the Hindi discourse - completely alone. The tears started to roll down my cheeks. This was going to be a long 10 days.
Day 1-3
During the first three days we practiced Anapana, which is the observance of your natural breath. Three full days of breathing naturally and training my mind to focus on my breath. In my career, I prided myself on my ability to multi-task. Multitasking, I thought, gave me energy and excitement. This was the opposite of multi-tasking.
Anapana is a tool to strengthen your mind and enhance your ability to concentrate. During the first day, we directed our focus to the breath by trying to observe which nostril the air enters the body and which nostril the air exits the body. Try it - it’s more challenging that you think! And, it can change with each breath. As your ability to focus sharpens, you narrow your concentration, moving to the sensations on your upper lip and then to the skin just below your nostrils.
It was hot and the days were long - beginning with a morning meditation at 4am and ending with a discourse from Goenka and short meditation that finished at 9pm. I slept during most of the breaks - I still wonder whether that made the time go faster or slower. I kept my head down and tried to enjoy the silence and digital detox. There was nowhere else to be and nothing else to do. No deadlines, no to-do lists, no emails, no awkward encounters. Just me and my own mind… oh, and my roommate - the iguana ;)