Here I am - the butterfly mermaid...finally having come up out of the water from Mercury Retrograde, and it was a particularily harsh one at that, because, since I am living with BFF now, I can't just retreat into my shell until it's over, instead I am confronted with him day in day out and we were literally at each other's throats the whole time. It SUCKED.
But I am starting to settle in again - the shadow is rocky for me- but I am keeping a positive outlook as you see with my head as flower - that's because I am practicing what I preach!
Yes. I am not allowing myself any negative thinking - even though there is plenty to be negative about, every time I catch myself saying something about how I wish I was dead because I don't want to be alive during the Communist takeover of the world that is happening now, I just have to top it off with "But God is in charge and everything will be ok" and then leave it at that...
until the next onslaught of negative thoughts, which I immediately cut off at the pass with prayer...
I do not allow myself to think shitty thoughts about myself either - or about other people - when I catch myself - and by the way, I am home all day by myself - not working a regular job because I am still recovering from the car accident - with sciatica -* but it's much better due to acupuncture and chiropractic now than it was* - but I am not "working" so I am home alone all day and it can be daunting to keep an upbeat attitude when I have no other people to distract myself from myself with...it is brutal - disciplined positive self-talk all day long.
and I hope I never have to "work" a regular job again where I am constantly confronted by these fucking automatons wearing masks - the slaves - I just do not want to see that in my face every fucking day - so I constantly have to pray when I see the - because it is the most ridiculous bullshit but it just shows that what Hitler and Goebbels said is true "The bigger the lie, the more it will be believed.”
So, I have to pray hard about this throughout my day to keep my attitude up and to keep fear at bay.
Hence the Flower around my head.
Now the interesting thing here that is the surprise that is the lesson for this Auragraph is that I am praying to the left and looking to the right...
What this means is that I am STILL looking for proof of my worth and evidence of God's Love and approval of the work I am doing in my worldly manifestations. Yes, it's true. This is my achilles heal...simply making a living as an artist would prove to my heart that all that positive thinking stuff is true... and yet I keep doing it because...quitters never win and winners never quit... but I really want to stop looking for proof of my "success" in my "earnings"...
Especially because it is such bullshit. The system is totally bullshit. The monetary system is bullshit. Who gets rich nowadays from their work is now totally rigged and has been for years. Now, especially, the economy is crashed and about to be crashed again from the 2nd wave of cv that they will be springing on us starting in September, most likely, and only essential items are selling really - and yet I am still holding myself to this Saturnian standard that I still deeply feel that have no value unless I earn a living from my work...
This is a part of what I preach that I am still working toward believing...
To quote Glenn Clark from his book "The Man Who Tapped The Secrets of the Universe"* about Walter Bowman Russell "When one trusts this inner universal power it automatically draws forth the trust of the people one deals with.*
One summer he took a job as a bellboy in one of the hotels. The salary was only $8.00 a month, but he was told that the tips that bellboys receive amounted to $100.00 in a season. When the first tip was offered him, however, something deep down within him would not let him take it.
Stammeringly he said, "No thank you, sir," and fled. He went down to his retreat in the cellar and tried to probe why that inner voice had spoken to him thus. Then suddenly he had a
great vision.
"I’ll be the only bellboy in existence who never took a tip!" he exclaimed. "And I’ll be the best bellboy the world ever knew. I’ll pledge myself to give the most joyful and cheerful service that a bellboy ever gave!"
From that moment he responded to every request with the alacrity of a steel trap. He ran his legs off for everybody. He got up at five o’clock every morning to procure cow’s milk for a baby that needed special care, and then went back to bed again. When asked why he did not take tips he replied, "I receive a salary, and I love my work."
The guests were simply overwhelmed by it. They invited him to dinner parties and yachting trips and when the management explained that it was against the rules for servants to have
social relations with guests, those people of influence said they would never go back again to that hotel if they didn’t break a rule for him. So he had a wonderful summer.
During his spare time he did sketching and painting. The guests became deeply interested in his work and at the end of the season instead of $100.00 from tips he had received checks
amounting to $850.00 for his pictures, and five offers of legal adoption in wealthy families, in one of which there were already three badly spoiled boys. The people to whom he brought ice-water became his life-long friends, and from them and
friends of theirs he received many commissions for painting after he became famous in that field. And he went to the wedding of the baby he brought milk for! "I have absolute faith," he asserts over and over again, "that anything can come to the one
who trusts to the unlimited help of the Universal Intelligence that is within so long as one works within the law and always gives more to others that they expect, and does it cheerfully
and courteously."
He early discovered that wealth may be more of a handicap than a help because the comforts and luxuries it can give sidetrack one’s desire for a successful life and develop instead a
desire for ease."
This is how I would like to be - although in the SLAVE society we are now in, it does not work that well because people expect something for nothing nowadays - and they will just work you to death instead of appreciating your worth, however with the artwork that I do, I am absolutely fine with giving it away for free or donations because I feel that it is a gift and I want to be able to be totally 100% honest - and I think my thing with money - my fear of financial insecurity would put so much pressure on me that I would pull punches and be intimidated - so with that, I can do it and I can trust that the Universe will pay me, to a certain extent, but then later I still beat myself up for being in this situation.
So this drawing is showing me that I still have work to do. I need to TRUST that it's ok that I may never amount to much in the world - and in fact - that that is better.
I am wearing a mask over my eyes - because that is the mask that I want to wear in stores - I want to wear this mask in stores
I want to wear a mask over my eyes in stores - but I never will because I just don't bother with that stuff - it's like wearing makeup - I like the idea of it but I will never do it.
Lastly this drawing is showing me that the happy positive vibes are coming from my Will - and that's what I must continue to exercise - and discipline - continue to exercise my Will in this practice...
The thing about doing my own Auragraphs is that they don't really tell me what I should do next - they indicate instead the spiritual lessons that I have yet to accomplish... annoying. I already know all that.