I was afraid to fall in love. That was my mindset last year. I was afraid to try new things. I was afraid of commitments. I don't know how to express my worlds and love for someone. I was afraid that i might not be enough for someone. I was scared that someone might see my dark side. I am afraid that i might get too attached to someone and then leave. I was afraid to get hurt. I don't want to have scars that i will live with.
It was i think August when someone courted me. He never really told me but that was what he was doing. I did not give in immediately because i have all these thoughts. All of the things that scares me are creeping in my mind. I was overthinking. I will not lie, he is so funny that i forget about the things that scares me. He made me forget my insecurities by complementing me. Telling me i am beautiful. All my walls was break because of him. All my standards was not met but i did not cared about it. My mind was turned upside down. I thought that if i will not give in, i cannot answer all of my questions. From August to October, he courted my until i said yes the 24th of October. He was my first boyfriend. I was 18 that time.
It was new to me to have someone to be with everyday. I was used to being alone and quiet. He always sends me home. We all have these dates at the Tea shop. He is a photographer so he always take pictures of me. We go some food trips. We have deep talks. We play online games. My mom knew him and "Us". I thought of it as a perfect relationship. I was very welcome to their family. Almost all of his cousins knew about Us. I was contented.
That was the beginning until i feel so confused. I want to be free from commitments and stress. I feel like i am imprisoned by your toxic "love". He was very possessive. He makes all the decision. He wants to have the total power of the relationship. I was not given a chance to express my wants. At first i thought it was normal because i never experience these kind of things but i finally realize that it is not healthy anymore. I don't know why but his joke aren't funny anymore. Most of the times, i get annoyed. I easily get tired of understanding him because i don't understand my self either. I wasn't happy anymore. It also add up the fact that we are not in the same university and our schedule conflicts.
One time, someone i knew confronted me and asked if are we still together. I answered yes. In her greatest shock, she told me that her younger sister who is also attending the same university of him saw him with someone else. Maybe it was just his classmate, i replied. She told me that they were so sweet and giggles together. (how sweet) I was shocked but i did not believe immediately because i trusted him so much. But things are getting complicated. My classmate in 12th grade told me that he saw him with another girl in school. I was reminded when we were still deciding where to enroll in college. I wanted to enroll to the same university where he attended but he insisted that it will be nicer if i go to this certain school.
I was done. It has been 8 months- long, tough and tiring months. Honestly, it broke my heart. I cried almost every night since i heard about what they were telling me. 3 weeks had passed when i decided to end our relationship. It was hard at first but I realize that it will be harder if we continued. I would rather be hurt one big shot that hurting myself everyday with him not realizing my worth in his life. It broke my heart realizing that those crazy times we cannot bring back.
God maybe planed this for me to learn that i should value my worth more that valuing others. This might be a lesson for him that he should not listen to his heart all the time but he should use his brain instead. In this world, the greatest skill to have is to balance the use of brain and heart. Better days are yet to come for the both of us even though were on different paths now. I hope that he will find someone that will understand him deeper that i did. I also hope that i will find someone that trust me.
I have realized that I thought i can tame him. I didn't because i can't.
He thought i will not change. I did and it is for my own good.
We are still friends.
I am happy and contended with my life now, and i hope he will be too.
PS: Photo not mine. All credits to the owner.