I had all sorts of good intentions of writing some kind of "deep and meaningful" piece on some aspect of the Human Condition, or societal quirks, or something else.
Truth, though, is that I am just too damn tired.
Big Sur coast, California
No, not tired of life, or tired of Steemit, or tired of collapsing crypto markets — although all of those do weigh on my mind, in some way — instead, I have grown weary of getting up and trying hard, every day.
I remember quite a few years back, I was talking to my 93-year old auntie... basically the last time I visited her, before she passed away... and I remember something she said, back then: "I have grown weary of the world."
It was an odd thing for her to say, and I have often thought about it, since she was one of the most optimistic people I have ever known. This conversation took place in 1997.
Now, I'll be the first to admit that we all have ups and downs — and I'm certainly no exception — and I'll do my best to "get over myself" in the next few days.
I'd better!
It's almost Christmas, and people expect you to be happy and in good spirits, and all that rot.
Tall trees...
"Weariness" is a strange beast. It's not depression, it's not stress and it's not a host of other so-called ailments psychological clinicians love to throw about.
Weariness is something that settles into your bones; you feel it as a result of spending every day — figuratively speaking — feeling like you're "hanging over an abyss," with no real options in sight other than to get up and do it again tomorrow. It's not exactly torture, and it's not exactly scary because you're pretty good at it, and you know how to handle yourself... and no actual disasters are happening, or even forecast.
But you know — in your heart of hearts — that it's incredibly unlikely that there will be any respite, any time soon, if ever.
About a year ago, I was talking to my neighbor Mark; he had a record store in the small shopping arcade where Mrs. Denmarkguy and I have our little art gallery/gift shop... we were talking about life and work and "finding meaning," and Mark share as how — during the earliest days of his store — he one day came to the realization that he had gone over a thousand consecutive days without a day off.
Big Sur coast in the fog...
"Wow... WHY?" I asked.
He said that it would have been easy to stop caring, but if he'd stopped caring he would have lost the store, lost his income stream, and with no other work prospects, lost his house and probably his marriage... so he just kept plugging away at it, with the only "carrot" to drive him forward being the knowledge that his business loan for the store was declining, just a few dollars at a time... and maybe, just maybe, some day he'd be able to sell the store and have his life back.
That day came at the end of September this year, when — quite unexpectedly — someone made him an offer for the store. And his paradigm changed.
I suppose a lot of people would just have said "What the hell," and would just have walked away much sooner and let the pieces fall where they might. But some people just aren't wired that way. I realize that I am one of "those people."
Mark's story rings true with me, because I recognize that I have spent much of my life "digging out" from under obligations and agreements and liabilities, many of which weren't even mine, in service of what I have believed to be "doing the right thing."
Patio visitor
And maybe that last bit hints at my weariness, and the point of this blog: So-called "right action" is a lot of hard work... which is perhaps why we so often end up lamenting its absence. People "can't be bothered," so they just walk away... and it becomes someone else's lot to pick up their pieces.
The rest? Well, as we all know, things go up and down.... and maybe there's weariness attributable to the fact that I can't honestly remember the last thing I was involved with that went UP, rather than DOWN.
I "amused" myself this afternoon by noting that it had been two months since the last time I had a $10.00 post, seven months since my last $50.00 post and about 14 months since my last $100.00 post. That's not even a complaint about Steemit or the state of affairs... just a strange confirmation of the reality that pretty much everything has been heading south.
And not due to lack of effort.
I could easily take some comfort in knowing that I am not alone, but that misses the point. I don't really wish for anyone to be caught in a downward spiral... because it makes you feel really weary.
Well, I'd best end this missive before it all gets too depressing and maudlin.
I hope you all had a decent weekend! Do leave a comment, because I dig comments and interaction!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 181216 23:29 PDT