Before I sleep at night, my sister and I would talk via video call on FB messenger. She may too far from me but is very near because of the social media and Internet. Every time we talk, she always hears me whimpering in a hopeless cry. She has many plans for me about my future, but I am always negative when we talk. I have many "what ifs" she is pissed off to listen.
I cry in desperateness sometimes 'coz I don't know how to solve my problem. I lost focus. My brain becomes too empty as I just follow other people's plan without a little opinion. There are moments I just recognize that it was already 12 noon because I constantly think of my problems with my pillow and I don't wanna go out to do the daily chores and eat my meal. I always feel I'm alone experiencing all these. I always feel I was born unlucky that I suffer in my entire life. I continuously compare myself to others who successfully reached their dreams while mine has died. After comparison, I gain self-pity. There were several times I tried to uninstall social media accounts to avoid seeing celebrities flaunting their bodies and the other friends I have. Then the "if only" hit my head again like "If only I have no condition like this, I am sexier than her. If only I don't have this condition, I'll look appealing with that cloth than her. If only I could turn back the time then I wouldn't be working out too much and I'm not suffering as this. " You see, there are many "if only" then I then ask in crying voice, why me, why, why, why?!!!
Not just video chatting, my sister can also get messages from me that I am shouldering the world which I can no longer survive. I feel her concern by sending me inspirational verses and videos with survival sermons of the pastors. Sometimes I merely ignore her videos because I think it will never work. My sister becomes disappointed but she never gave up on me. She heard me saying, "Why should I believe in that's pastor sermon, he is not an experienced one in greatest trial and I can't say he is an overcomer. I should listen to the people who are sick in a serious condition but overcomes it. What can inspire me to live a normal life is he who has the same enigma to me." Then, my sister was exasperated. She said she will give up on me if I continue on reminding her I wanna take my life.
Last Sunday, someone from the church talked to me. She said she can sense what I feel the fact that she had also encountered the greatest suffering in life before. "You are blessed enough to have your family and a wonderful elder sister who motivates you every day, while me in my past, I struggled it all by myself. I went to a psychiatrist but I was still mentally ill. When I began accepting God as my all, I began to have a divine life. Instead of spoiling the demon that tantalized your mind, be an overcomer. Be like me who is an overcomer. Do not permit Satan to destroy you and fill your brain to do wrong. Your struggle now is your testimony tomorrow to treat depressed psyche to gain victory. In times when the anxiety hits you back, call the name of the Lord and the demon will go away. "
1 Peter 5: 7-9
"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."
After my friend apprised me that, I was inarticulate and cried realizing how blessed I am than the other people. Why shouldn't I be blessed, I have many friends that comfort me in down times who are my Christian friends, I have wonderful sisters and brothers-in-law, and I have God. No matter what I am going through, I can anytime ask God a help while others who are successful than me are shy to beg God because they're not nearby to Him. I am blessed because God has drawn me closer to Him.
1 Peter 4:1
"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin."
The pastor said in His sermon uploaded by Youtube that all of us humans are born with sufferings. God cursed humankind after the first man and woman. All of us grieve. Just because we are happy today doesn't mean it is consistent. Nobody has a perfect life. We all meet the greatest trials and tribulations. What we need to do is to be prepared. Then, how?
You think that your life is perfect because you have a great job, healthy body, good looks, financial freedom, luxury cars, and power, but how ready are you to fight the most challenging affliction in your life? How fearless are you to settle it all by yourself?
Nowadays, many people are reported in social media, TV, radio, and newspapers about a suicidal crisis. The worse, victims become younger and younger. The Hollywood stars, we think they have a perfect life, but why do some of them commit suicide? Why billionaires commit suicide?
Suicidal is not picky to target its victims. It will never matter of any ages, status in life, and ethnicity. The fact that Satan is as aggressive as the Lion, he will never care who to victimize because he has no heart. He will do anything to corrupt our brains to live in hell with him. He will do anything to deceive humanity. He will do anything to destroy our spirit and infect the pain. He has an invisible pleasure staring us in tears and suicidal. Why God allows us to suffer to be attacked by the demon?
We should know that there is no such perfect life on earth and pain is our twin. If both will be severe, it'll lead to suicidal. Many people can't handle it because they have no place to run when their family and friends cannot understand. They assumed that they can manage to solve their problems alone so they never prepared to expect their big misery in life. They assumed they are strong and genius. They trust themselves more than God-like satan who trusts himself too much because he was the smartest and talented angel. But we are just humans who are the children of the Lord, what will happen if we rely on ourselves? What will happen if we value our dreams more than God? What will happen if we value our power more than God?
(Photographed by my sister Clare Blackburn)
The main thing why we commit to self-destruction is pride. Pride and anxiety are doppelgängers. By pride, we become anxious. We become anxious to fall for we matter what people can say to us. Then, we complain like God has owed us a lot and our faith will fade like a flower. Then God will realize that we only have Him at His best, not at worse.
Matthew 23:12
"For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
Whenever anxiousness hits me again, I don't seek for inspirational mottos to alleviate me for I think it'll not so powerful unlike the words of God. Psychiatrist can't ease the illness, but the Lord can do it!
The Lord allows us to struggle so that we will seek, gain, and know Him. He allows us to suffer so we can learn to remove our pride and be humiliated. He allows us to suffer so we will be closer to Him. He allows us to suffer in our disease now because it'll be our testimony to the hopeless people and unbelievers after He cures us.
Luke 4:18
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.”
He allows us to suffer to test how fighter we are to slay down the demon who is as fierce as the lion that is continuing to corrupt our minds. Our suffering today is only for a while. If we humiliated ourselves to God, we will no longer suffer at the right time he set. We may think how can He do it if I have this greatest problem? Remember that if you think there is no way, He can always find a way at the right time. Always be humiliated!
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Clearly speaking, when you have a great suffering today, remember it is your blessing. Just maintain the peace in your mind and joy with the Lord. Remember that our Jehova*Rapha is the existing one and our healer. He always finds a way and He can always make a way because nothing compares His sovereignty and nothing is impossible to Him!
Stop thinking many "what ifs," rather, commit it to the Lord through prayers. Don't be discouraged and abandoned, nothing compares the love of Him and His power. Soon, He will renew and restore us at the right time. Just keep the faith 'coz what we need every second is faith..faith..faith!
Jeremiah 30:17
"For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds," says the Lord.
Believe me, I was suicidal, anxious, and depressed but I feel gladness and joy in my heart. I feel the comfort of His eternal love and mighty hands that catched me when I was drifted to a lost land in the middle of the flood . You should believe me according to my experience. This is my part of my testimonies how great He is. I know we will never be satisfied by the advices of the inexperienced, so here I am telling you according to my experience. God is so wonderful and magnificent! Praise the Lord!
