Yesterday, my sister and I went to the mall to buy school supplies for my cousin and little sister. The mall was very crowded at the ground floor where supplies are displayed. Uptown and downtown people gather all together before summer. There were always long queue in cashiers so we moved to the kitchenware department. Then we ate our lunch in Greenwhich.
As we moved to the 2nd floor, I saw myself in the mirror side-viewing that left me in despair. Seeing my decreased wrists myscles drained my my self-esteem again. My head was almost exploded as we rode at the escalator while I carried the heavy bought things. There is another insecurity born. Living in life with an enviousness welcomes hatred and anxiety. I was very angry why that for all of the people, why me? I lost my excitement to eat good foods when my sister asked what I wanted as we queued. She was upset by my reply:
"Can I order one for my immediate death if there is any?"
I wasn't a good role model to her who is younger than me. I showed weakness without second thoughts. A good role model to her young siblings is she who is the brave and joyful one.
If we are suicidal, we lose our focus in everything but always think of death. My sister said that it'll be me who'll suffer an eternal life to the fire for ending up my life.
"I don't care! Blame Him who gave me a burden like this!", I replied.
She was again upset about my wicked thoughts so she treated me a lasagna from Greenwhich while hers is carbonara to cool me down. I can't hide my suicidal behaviour because it's very difficult to feign and not to express it to those who are willing to listen. While waiting for our orders, I commanded my cousin to get me Dunkin Donut coffee. Atleast, it treats my headache.
After that, we rode in a tricycle back home. There were many times I didn't answer my sister's questions because I had my own world.
I am just a human in weakness in times I notice the decrease of my tissues in swollen affected areas. In times where I am negative, I need a family and friend to comfort me as their advices is one of my chaos mind's remedies. I always need someone to talk to express my unwanted sadness.
I also live with reminescence. I covet to turn back the juvinile eras to inform myself not to do such things that can disturb my physique.
When the tricycle stopped to the house, I quickly opened the gate, ignored my family watched tv in the living room. I locked the door to my room to ask God a cure. I turned off the lights and revealed everything to Him in sea of grief. Then, I read the Bible.
My ancestors believed in woman deity. They were not really Christians. They never knew Jesus Christ before because they worshipped the wrong God. My grandma was a supernatural fighter. She said the enchants are green blooded. She lived 135 years with complete strong teeth and sharp eyes. If she becomes sick, there will be a ceremony to offer a fresh blood from a wild hog to the goddess so she'll be healed. Then, she reached that age. My grandpa can also walk at the suface of the water and can run like the flash. My mother said that he would fly before when going to the market and killed many witches. During the time where my brother was in an accident and he was confined to the hospital, my grandpa chased the witch predated my wounded brother. When my father passed away, he saw him smiling at the window handsigning farewell. But these ancestors converted to Christianity and threw their powers away. If those suprnatural stories exist in real life, why not God? Everytime I hesistate to believe on His real existence, I become thankful to my ancestor's past.
What can allevuate my narrow thinkings is the Bible. After I opened the chapters in Psalm, I brainstormed what posts to write again. I saw my sister online on Facebook and told bout my problems. She thought I was depressed with my dead dog. When the night came, I heard a cute woman's voice calling my name outside the gate. It was our church's allies.
"Are you alright?", pastura Joy said.
We talked in the living room along with my granny and mother who never knew my phsychological condition. I told to our Christian friends I was okay, but my eyes cannot lie. Before I spoke again, I bowed my head in humility while tears fell down to my clothes . I covered my cried face through my blouse so my family can't see the intense desperateness in my face. Pastora Joy said that my elder sister reached them on Facebook. She was worried I was suicidal. This word was super easy for me to say if our lives are thrown yet and we don't know how to solve the problem. My sister said I was dumb and stupid for thinking shallow and negative things. My younger sister said I should be ready in hell if I do that. You know what my reply?
"I don't care 'coz I lived in hell from the day I was born. If I'd end my life, blame not me but He who granted these struggles ," I said.
Together with my family, the church people comforted me through the voices of the Lord. Remembering what I said to my younger sister when we were in the mall, I said that if not because of mom, I committed suicide already. That barrier reminded my narrow mind that if I do it, I'll add her another burden. She just newly grieving when my father passed away in 2016. After my father's grave, my brother was arrested because he was suspected a mastermind of the Chinese busineessman killed in our town. That man is the rivalry of our family business. Then, my sister just newly moved to the US. Last week, my dog Lebron just newly died. These delimmas hindered my plans. Further, what if I do it? Surely, the people who like to drag us down will be happy and backstabbers will enjoy spreading my death over the phone and in social media.
The church people reminded my anxious mind that the Lord will heal me. If he healed the paralytic man, the blind, and fool, and rose the dead one, why not me?
We should not assume we are sickly and most of all, never speak it from our mouth because the demon may tease us. Satan can hear what we say but can't measure our minds and hearts unlike Christ. When we almost commit suicide, surely he is happy to live in hell with us and who will win? Of course the devil. He will always find a way to take our souls so we can live with him in the fire eternally. He also gives us the struggles so we become angry to the Lord and perish our relationship to Him.
I almost committed suicide so my sufferring on earth will end and I will lose consciousness but it was a mistaken belief. If we will be thrown to the fire, we will suffer the heat forever and our consciousness is still alive. Our characters in this world is the same on hell. In heaven, all those negativities are gone because God will transform us into the new one. There will be no consciousness, temptations, and worldly desires. We will praise and worship the Lord forever.
I was comforted by the church people and blessed to have them. They encouraged me to always read the Bible in times of depression and suicidal.
Life is our greatest gift from God. If we will give a gift to someone and he'll break it, what do we feel? Like Jesus, He will perish us to eternal fire where all the bad behaviours in the world are gathered together and there will be no second chance.
Psalm 31:9-10 New International Version (NIV)
9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."
Disclaimer:The content and illustrations are original.