Ulog #19
Date: June 10, 2018
Title: You Gotta Love Living Your Life
I had a rough night last night. I did not even finish my dialysis session because it was tough. I had to beg the nurses not to call my mom and to just end the session 1 hour before it's supposed to end because I was fading in and out of life, 3 times in the 3 hours that I was hooked up. Anyway, it was terrible. I did not expect it to happen. I was praying because I was feeling heavy. I was telling my spirit to fight whatever it is that was heavy in me. I was channeled and I was seeing things and I was just, I don't know, I don't even want to talk about it because it's dark. It's probably a worst kind of anxiety and panic attack combined. But I really don't care, I know I just have to pray. I prayed and I prayed. Then there was a blood leak in the machine, they had to throw all my blood that was on the lines, and that's a huge amount of blood loss for me. It's a bag of blood, like the bag you buy in the blood bank if you measure it. That is very precious blood for me because unlike normal people I have very low amount of hemoglobin. I have to inject myself with a hormone in multiple doses for me to have them all back again and it's expensive, the world has no idea.
Then my head started getting painful, then my stomach started feeling funny, then it was painful, then it was pain all over me. This was not expected but I guess the blood loss caused disequilibrium in my body. They wanted to call my family because things were looking bad. I told them no because I know how it feels to be called for an emergency in the middle of the night. I don't want my family to rush and panic, it's an hour drive from home. Terrible things can happen. If I'll die, I'll die, there's not much another person can do really. It has happened once before and my family almost met an accident, so, I hate the thought of calling them to just be by my side when I am having a tough time.
I was dizzy and nauseated and I was fading in and out and I just begged the nurse to stop the machine because my heart was having a hard time, my blood pressure was down to 90/60. They had to unhook me and I told them I'd sleep. That happens, when my BP goes low, I feel so sleepy and I am yawning a lot. They watched me and checked my vitals every now and then as ordered by my doctor. I can see their concern and worry in their eyes. I really love our nurses, they are no longer just nurses for me, they have become my friends.
Then I woke up at 12mn and I was feeling all well, I was thinking about the Discord Talk Show. I got up and picked my bag and told the nurses I need to eat I am hungry. They were all shocked and worried. I assured them I was okay and I needed to go to the restaurant infront of the hospital to eat. They were trying to stop me but I assured them I was fine. Honestly, I was fine. It did not feel like I was dying just hours ago.
The restaurant had ceiling to floor mirrors and as I watch my reflection I was telling myself, "Gosh, why am I more beautiful than usual today?" Then I smiled, I looked so pale and I was thinking wow, I am out at 12 looking like this, I am really a vampire. Then I opened my laptop to listen to the Talk Show in Discord. I was 30 mins late. It felt good to be there like people were asking me how I've been and why I was late. The show always feels like a riot like a reunion. It feels like people there knows everyone since childhood when in fact we don't know each other personally.
I ordered fish fillet and baconsilog then afterwards I had coffee. It felt like a wonderful early morn, totally different from the episode in the hospital. Strangers come in and say hi and chit chat with me. I don't know why they do, but it's really fun talking to strangers sometimes, probably they are intrigued why I am out alone or something. Tacloban City is busy because the city fiesta is on the 30th. I was still in Discord, joking with everybody and having fun. But I had to say goodbye to them because I needed to go back to the hospital and rest and update the nurses that I am fine. People in Discord were about to sleep, or so I thought.
Around 5am, I opened my laptop again and checked Discord to find a lot of people were still awake and 
I had to have breakfast, the talk show in Discord has ended. Breakfast was like a celebration of how wonderful my life is because it's another miracle that I am still here breathing. I ate pancakes and orange juice. I was thinking to myself, if I was followed by a camera, my life could be like a suspense thriller and a comedy in one. Another stranger had a chit chat with me while she was waiting for her takeout. We talked about my illness and asked me if I was not afraid being alone in the hospital and being out there without anyone. I just told her nope and never. Life is meant to be enjoyed, besides, worries won't help and being afraid is useless.
PS: Discord Talk Show with SurpassyG is fun, it's worthy not missing it for the world. You should try it, if you haven't already. HAHAHA!
Image Source Pixabay
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