We've been shaky since March and we've been working our relationship out for the past few months. We've had countless arguments, we've fought about things we just couldn't get in terms with. We've had a falling out, we've hurt each other in the process. We've flung hurtful words to each other that we cannot take back, we've talked about ending it once and for all.
It was tough. I never thought love could be this difficult, that it could become this complicated. It was the worst thing I've experienced in our 4 years of being together. I prayed hard and hoped hard. I consoled myself by telling myself that this is all just a challenge. That we can get through this if both of us are just willing to work it out together.
We've opened up about this with each other, had talks to come to an agreement. We've tried time and time again to resolve the issues that we have. And I admit that it wasn't all his fault, that I am also partly to be blamed. I told him everything, about how I felt neglected and taken for granted, about the hurts I've gone through every time I feel that I'm no longer a part of his life. I had so many feelings, it was a whirl of emotions and I was just sinking deeper into the abyss.
In the end, I decided that if he was willing to make an effort to improve and make things right, I would give him another chance. I am a very forgiving person, and I can honestly say that to myself. I just cannot forget the hurtful things that happened to me and maybe that is why I was having a hard time moving past the things that have happened between us. All the fights and the nasty words we've spoken to each other are still very fresh to me. But after everything, my love for him hasn't changed. Maybe I was just blinded by the pain he gave me that's why I built up a wall as a defense mechanism.
I am slowly tearing that wall down right now and I've decided to once again give him my trust. The process at first is hard because it's like we went back to step one. We are treading on water because even with one mistake, I easily get shaken and angered and everything gets messed up again. I'd bring up everything back again. And then we'd patch it up again and be okay again. The cycle goes on.
But then, I thought about it hard. I thought about our relationship and how we got here. I thought about how we have begun and how we were back then before this whole mess came into the picture. I thought about how much I loved him, on how much I still love him. I thought about all the good times we had with each other and how these good times will always weigh out the bad times.
And so, I decided that if I'm going to give him the chance to prove his worth again, I'd disregard my prejudice until I can. I'd lower my expectations and just really give him the chance. Because maybe that's why I am always feeling disappointed. Because I have these impossibly high expectations that when his actions wouldn't reach it, I'd get irritated and annoyed.
I just really want to have the relationship we had a year ago when we were just happy to be together even though we were separated by distance. We'd have constant communication and we never get tired of talking and texting each other over the phone. I want that situation back; when he always makes it a point to reach out to me, to make me feel that I'm loved, to make me feel that I'm important to him. I hope that we can go back to that. Because if not then this wouldn't be worth it.
