I never really considered how I became dependent upon others...starting with my parents to soothe my emotional discomforts. It mostly didn't happen in fact....in fact what happened from early child hood when I would get emotional....which at the time i never even understood what the fuck an emotion was....
I would get punished...and be banned from public activity within the household. No longer being allowed to play in the open communal areas. I would be given solitary confinement for an amount of time. This became such a normal occurence for me, that i became quite comfortable within my own solitude. A blessing in disguise for sure.
However what I didn't develop so well was a real quality co-existence with others. Because from a very early age...i was simply abandoned any time I was regarded as "difficult". And there was never any real clear understanding given to me in a way where I could make sense of the initial experience of myself.
I did however develop a very heightened sensitivity to the emotions and feelings of others. However i didn't necessairly know how to work with others emotions and feelings in a practical way....so I too basically just acted out the lesson learned from my parents...where I would also react and be insensitive to those closest to me.
This caused me great strain in my working together consistently with others. I never understood this about myself...and i just thought that I had a preference towards flyining solo and being more of an independent dude.
Indepence is great....but we live in a world of co-dependency and it's really important to develop a strong working relationship with others.
Through my adult life...i was often offered positions of management...and I mostly was uninterested because the responsibility of managing others seemed way to burdensome to me. I could not articulate at the time the extensiveness of why I found this to be such a burden and arduous thing. I simply justified my reasoning and thinking as me being concerned about my own well being and thinking that I would be better off left to work by myself and that i could make more than enough money working solo and independent.
This created a bit of a see saw in me where I've totally blundered a lot of relationships throughout my life. In every one of them, I blamed the other person as being fucked and inadequate in some way...and or just not for me...because basically i regarded myself as superior to the other individual and they would simply be holding me back in my life and living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having compromised my best development and maturity in my relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as being superior to others in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my superiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I've been quite inferior within my emotional relationship with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a dependence upon others to validate my emotional well being...while at the same time being totally inconsiderate and insensitive to the emotions of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others through emotional dependence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created a preference towards isolation as a way to cope with accepted and allowed emotional inferiority and inadequacy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted to see my very own "devastation".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing the 'devastation' within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having attempted to hide and deny my very own experiences of 'devastation'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and undertsanding how a reluctance to really face one's 'devastation' creates like this void in yourself where it's like you are always on the run and never completely settled within yourself and there's like this restlness that you are always attempting and trying to subdue as this thing that must be coped with at all costs. I realize it's quite a mind fuck and that it can all be completely avoided if one is able to just be real with oneself and acknowledge the experience one is happening.
When you are able to articulate and define the experience you are having, you are self-empowered to move beyond the experience and simply forgive and forget about it...this 'forgive and forget' is a practical way to move through one's own self-imposed emotional restraints.
i realize I developped a consortium of emotional restraints in childhood as like the outflow of my parents not even understanding their own emotional restraints/suppressions...burdens...and so consequently i took on all my parents bullshit without even realizing it.
I realize it's not about anyone else sorting out your shit for you....but that as you know and understand yourself, one develops a real maturity in ability to give some real gold of support in the most relaxxed and easy way possible.
I realize it's not about trying to to fix anyone's bullshit but to simply support when and as able to do so...and that sometimes that means walking away and saying I will not tolerate this relationship any more.
I realize that working through heavy hitting emotions can be difficult at times...and I realize I've developped rather ironically, an incredible ability to support others in working through their hard hitting emotions.
I realize i learned how to work through my emotions through much unnecessary harsh consequence and that I wouldn't want anyone ever to have to experience such harsh consequence.
I realize much of the harsh consequence i experienced was completely self-induced. Specifically having everything to do with the relationship with myself.
I realize that when I was experiencing my lowest low...i was feeling completely desparate and totally willing to self-compromise just to shutdown the experience of myself I was facing. I realize many people go through this.
I realize that my 'rock bottom' was a real tipping point for me in terms of my best development and maturity...that this independence i've cultivated within myself gives me a tremendous ability to be a really great team player who is sensitive to his mates and colleagues and that one of the greatest things in life to be shared is Camaraderie.
I realize I've suppressed camaraderie to a great deal.
I've come to realize that camaraderie has always come rather easily to me and that often times people are looking to play...and that for me it's been a simple matter of allowing myself to open up and be vulenrable, real and raw in a way...where it's like this is who I am...and this is what i Got to say.
I realize I've had a tendency to compromise my ability to play well as co-creators here...because i've been extremly sensitive to the emotions of others...and it would cause like a minor panic attack in me that basically i just learned to suppress in a form of self-induced shut down...as like a secret for me alone.
I realize it's way easier to just process the emotion that comes up in me, instead of playing it cool....like too coool....where I become cold as ice and also distant.
When and as I am interacting with others and the other has an emotional reaction, I stop and breathe...I HEAR and 'feel' what the other is saying/communicating, without taking it personally - I realize that each and every single person's emotions are not personal, it's simply an outflow of the energetic buildup within based on how we've come to judge and define things as either positive or negative. I commit myself to providing words of support that can act like seeds that will grow and germinate with my peers to support their best development and maturity. I realize it's not about bombarding someone with their shit...even if it is their shit...but to have some real compassion and patience and to simply give in a way that's great.
I realize much of the way i've been trypically accustom to giving was limitted in nature as it was like the only way i knew how to give to myself...which was pretty harsh in a lot of ways. I realize there's a place for harshness in communication and when it's used sparingly it can be highly effective. I realize the effectiveness of harshness in communication is strained when it becomes the default protocol for dealing with almost everything!
I commit myself to living a balance in working with others and their emotions and feelings.
I commit myself to continuing to culitvate and develop the depth of relationship I have with myself.
I realize it is the very relationship I have with myself that determines the depth of relationship I am able to have with others in my world. I realize that my sharing in this way is unconditional, and from the starting point of what is best for all Life.
I commit myself to living the principle of Giving as I like to receive.
I commit myself to challenging myself within and as what it is I like to receive :)
I realize that the giving of just a few words can be life changing when there's a real consideration, gentleness and compassion for those few words that are being shared.
I realize this giving of a few words is an outflow of the giving we do for ourselves as how we practically go about living our words in the best of ways.
I realize that there is a real balance in giving where sometimes the giving is gentle, and sometimes the giving is rough. I realize it's about developping an effectiveness within myself where I am gentle at times...and then also at times, hard and rough. I realize sometimes you got to kind of kick your own ass into gear...and that other times you got to kind of be gentle in soothing your sorrows as you let go and move onward.
I realize and understand that Devastation is a part of life and it's not something to be afraid of or suppressed. I realize the shock and grief of devastation is rather intense and that it's ok and that it's helpful to communicate about it with others in your world and that by being able to communicate your sadness and sorrow...the very devastation and the shock and grief is an extremely self-empowering thing...because these are the moments where it's like the experience of "all is lost" where we can actually cultivate and develop a new found strength, integrity, and dignity in our character here.
I commit myself to standing as a support for myself and so to others, as one who can share perspective and guidance through the toughest of times. I realize each individuals experiences are unique and that it is impossible to really know the extent to which any one person has gone through with regards to their devastation and it's simply to be a pillar of support when someone needs a friend.
I realize as much as each of us is our own best friend...it is very practical and necessary to have relationships with others in which you are able to communicate anything and everything without judgement as like your own safe space. This is necessary in our best human development and maturity.
I realize these relationships of openess and sharing cannot be forced for they will blow up and implode on you and the consequences of participating in this way will be devastating.
I commit myself to standing as a pillar of support for myself and so to others as I walk my life journey from the starting point principle of "Equality and Oneness" as, "What's Best for All Life, Always Includes Me too as I am a part of All Life Here."
I commit myself to remembering the principle of "equality and oneness" as, "what it means to be Co-Creators here in this world."
Oneness and Equality is Our Life Policy
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