Today is your birthday and the day that I have been dreading since the day you left this Earth. When you made the choice to leave, you took a piece of my soul with you and I can’t ever get that back.
You left a mark, a scar, on my heart that still hurts so badly if I let it.
We had a cake for you, Disney, because it reminded me of the many nights we stayed up watching movies and eating popcorn.
I remember when you told me you had never seen Despicable Me so I made you stay up all night to watch them all with me because they’re my favorite.
And I went to the beach today to watch the waves for a little while and just think by myself without needing to be anywhere.
Allowing Myself to Feel
I allowed my thoughts to drift in and out of all of our memories together and I allowed my love for you to wash over me again without feeling like I needed to suppress it.
I allowed the tears to just flow freely down my face and the ache in my heart to just be there for a little while without trying to run away from it.
I wish we had had more time together. I really do.
But, a lifetime wouldn’t have been enough for me. Many lifetimes wouldn’t have been enough for me.
I’m sorry you felt that you had to leave early. I wish you had reached out if you were having those thoughts.
I question every single day if there was anything else I could’ve done to help you feel loved so you didn’t feel the need to take your own life.
Such a sweet, loving spirit was likely too good for this world and too sensitive to stay here for too long.
Pain Feels Fresh
The pain of the loss is still felt by everyone that knew you but we choose to think about how much we loved you rather than you being gone.
I hope you can feel the love that we have for you and not the pain that we feel from losing you. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel this pain because some days it feels like its too much to take. This burden is too heavy.
Honestly, I thought that we would have forever.
If I had known that you were leaving so soon I would’ve tried to preserve every single memory and hold each one in my heart to keep me warm at night when I’m deep in my feelings, like tonight.
Please know that I am fine and I get better each day because I had the opportunity to know you and to love you. I will never forget the time we had together and the love that you gave me.
You helped me to find myself again and to love myself again so I am eternally grateful for that.
I love you and I hope that you had one hell of a party wherever you are. And I hope that you know that you are loved.
Ivy
The 
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