Hello Guys,
Trust the week has been great and i hope we are looking forward to the weekend.
Happy Ramadan to the Muslim guys, i wish you all good health through the fast.
Well, i have been challenging myself of late to do things i have always been scared of doing; i'll highlight each one as we go on in this post. During this process of this challenge, i got fed up at a moment cause i just couldn't accept for a moment that i'm such an imperfect soul (another sad perfectionist); this then brought up the ultimate question "Why am i this scared?" "why is this fear always there?" "why am i this emotional?" "why am i this way?", i spent hours searching down memory lane to see if i had always been a scared, emotional person and the truth is, i couldn't point to an exact moment that made me afraid and fragile. Overtime, i just had to accept that i was born this way; mind you this isn't the first time i'do go through such a process, i have tried so many to see the reason for my insecurities and fears however, the ultimate end is always "I was born this way".
Growing up for me wasn't a bed of roses but overtime things got better than most around could have predicted for the family, as a child i was never shown hatred or any vile situation either by my folks or neighbors; i was only disciplined same way most kids were so i find it hard to understand why i'm still a scared 6ft4" boy roaming the street of Lagos, Nigeria. I heard some people never get over their fears/demons but for me i'm still quite young and definitely can't live this way always. So once again i took more time to seek out why i am this way:
Traits?
Well my folks are amazing, hardworking and loving people; most people that i know respect and regard them in fact they are quite famous for being upright people wherever we find ourselves (need i mention they are super religious too). Just like everyone, they are not perfect, they have flaws and are not even afraid to show it to the kids; this has made me identify with each of their shortcomings and overtime i have seen myself having such behaviors.
The need to help and please people is one thing my folks tend to do too often; they sometimes let things go just because they don't want to hurt such a person or a group; well guess who lives for making friends happy? Yours Truly! i think i took a step further by not been able to confront people without coating my feelings (sigh), this always leaves me with a tad of dissatisfaction and mehn it sucks. So yeah, if you know me; you know i don't like confrontations so much.
Society?
Well i grew up in an Army Barracks and if you are familiar with the stereotype with barracks kids then you know we are tagged as rascals however my case is different as a person; most people called me a fake barrack boy and sometimes i agree cause i know crazy some of my peers can be (not to say i don't have a bit of madness haha). Most people see me as a gentle and soft person (not my family tho) unlike how some of my friends are, i'm not saying an angel but i have never tagged as wild or troublesome which is not common for kids where i come.
Growing up in the barracks, i was never locked up or chained, i was allowed to mingle with other kids in the hood and play as long as i didn't stay out too long so i wouldn't say my present state was caused by firm parenting, once again i guess it's just the way i was made.
Situation?
Well for situations or events, i have had my fair share of scars in my time so far; had a rolling fan cut me just above my eyes, had a cutlass jokingly thrown at me and so on but these events have never had a massive impact on me as far as i can tell. In the craziest of situations, i still still thrive and do better. However, i still find myself breaking down over little issues and confrontation.
This can be worrying for anyone who really take time to think of it (i tend to think too often); as i continue to seek the reason for why i am the way i am, i find solace in the fact that i am not alone in the battle; i have met a handful of people who have a very hard time identifying who they are before even proceeding to why they are that way. I pray a lot about who i want to be and i push for it and every time i fall in to this dark hole of seeking the answers to why i am this way; i end up finding solace in the fact that although very it's disturbing to be afraid and fragile,Its' just another brick in the wall, one whom despite fusing together to become strong is also phasing into the atmosphere cause with time we get of shorter breath and a day closer to death.
Identifying myself as a man has been helpful, it relieved me of a lot burden; i thank Jesus for helping get through that phase, my dad once told me point blank "You are soft, and that makes you a very strong boy" this was after a very hard breakup. I feel blessed for the life i'm living, i do hope i find these answers i seek and maybe another question would come up but till i'd fighting to better understand this amazing soul the Almighty has created. I do hope we all as humans find the truth to the answers we seek, a lot of us are lost as a result of ignorance as to why we are the way we are. I have read book on Temperament, background, identity all whom have enlighten but none has the answers; i believe will let me find what i seek in his time.
Well, i end this for now and believe when i say i will be back to tell this story when i understand why i'm always afraid and too emotional. I now we are all battling fear but i fear my fears maybe out of the space. Bye.
This is zingybite with #ULOG 04. PIZZOUT
