He asks me to write without sugar sprinkles so here you go!

One of the most annoying/ hurtful and stressing things people have ever told me were:

💢Ano ba Jazz?!!! Ikaw ba ito? Anong nangyari sayo? bakit ganon performance mo?
"Jazz! What happened? Is this you? what's wrong with you?!" -runway coach

💢Jazz nakadungog gud ko'g nag chismis sa imo diri sa HCDC
May Chismis akong narinig sayo dito sa HCDC
(This is a university different from mine, gossip travels far)
"I heard someone gossip about you here at HCDC (Holy Cross Davao College)"

💢So, why did you lose? -University President

💢"Are you sure you're making the deadline? There's always a next time." - Art professor

💢After making an artwork you are proud of and you suddenly get:
"Ang pangit naman ng ginawa mo, useless"
What you made is ugly, useless

💢"Waste of time"

💢"You still look fat"

💢"They're just tall, but they don't play basketball that good" - Team mates

💢"You're just a cry baby"

💢"You can't be the priority right now, next time, I promise"

💢"She said something about you being weak, yes"

Okay

I have always been the kind of person who always looks at the bright side of everything even when there's not much to see. It applies with people.
I don't choose my friends simply because nobody should ever be marginalized, I'd rather be approachable rather than untouchable.

However, life taught me that there is a limit to how open and forgiving you can be. Because simply, people do not reciprocate the same kindness, fairness and equality you show them.

Some of the most hurtful things can come from the people closest to you.
Some come from people who you don't expect to hear it from.
Some come from people who you always hear from but wished they never talked that way.

In any case, my efforts to grow and develop myself have not always been welcomed and understood in the best way.
I hear more than people know, I just let it pass the other ear.

People always see shortcomings instead of blessings.

I'm wondering how to start again

Often times we plan our future, we are fueled to achieve our goals. Sometimes I am confused at what my goals really are.
I am not even sure what my favorite color is. It seems that I lack of discernment for things I want.

Too much curiousity and exploration, it is eating my time and producing nothing. Yet I am unsettled. Wondering if there's more and I continue wandering off.

Industries of Harsh and Pressure

Before I met steemit I had been a part of two of the harshest industries.

Visual Arts & Fashion Industry

First of all, expectations are high in both fields and often times I was discouraged at how I could not cope with the demands
Added to that are high chances of being belittled, insulted and taken for granted

It was proof of how friends can betray you and turn stories around against you.

_{Mindanao Association of Tertiary Schools regional competition 2014 (MASTS) Hive account@jacinta.sevilla with make up artist Rodni Varquez}

Walking with 7 inch heels is not easy. Walking with big heavy props and doing a cat walk on an unsteady stage is nothing to laugh about. It looks easy and fun to see, the crowd cheers or boos easily but, beauty is painful to bear. Plus, shouting at each other backstage does not help.

Drawing on the other hand requires time and a booming creativity. Which I feared I did not have enough of.

I felt really discouraged whenever I could not join an exhibit or when I am told by some individuals that my techniques or concept was lacking, ugly or probably just a waste.

Sometimes critique is way too offensive, it makes you give up on everything.

_{Puzzle Art by Joseph Marc Aquino}

I feel like that dead bunny in the picture. In the art industry, it's messy but presents art neatly, you get what I mean? My art professor said once it is a dog eat dog world. Now I know.

So where do I place myself now? Where do I really belong? If my art wasn't as good as theirs and I wasn't the top model agencies demand.

I really wanted to graduate with a fine arts degree but I was not strong enough to hold on to that.

And the fashion industry just rips off your self esteem.

I can't seem to "be" what people are looking for. No matter how hard I try.
And a few improvements don't matter since they are bypassed.
That's why I always extreme into training myself when I am trying to improve my art.

Steemit

Let me share how-

I am not confident
I am still in a journey of finding out how my art can have that big break or really professional level
I still want to master a lot of mediums
My friends still encourage me to pursue fashion, I don't mind though, but I don't think I place well.

I have been disappointed with so many people and I don't trust people easily anymore. In fact it feels a bit hard to completely open up like this but it helps to vent it out.

Steemit was introduced to me by Hive account@thecrimsoncomet September 2017.

When he told me about it, I was a bit hesitant to blog but he said it would just like posting anything about art.

I am very glad I gave it a go!

Steemit helped me interact with a community that had a lot of positivity to offer. It's hard to be in a community where you feel insecure and be put down just because doing your best is not appreciated. I think maybe we all had an experience where we've been told "that's all you can do?" Oh well.

But not here, I am rediscovering myself here and renewing my path.

Meeting strong individuals that inspire me to be stronger Hive account@mermaidvampire, Hive account@olivia08
My friends who are with me struggling, Hive account@fukumineko, Hive account@korinkrafting
My ever so supportive friends too like Hive account@joyjoyharb and Hive account@ankarlie
Amazing people that set a good example of perseverance and leadership
Hive account@dandalion Hive account@steemitph Hive account@long888 Hive account@jassennessaj Hive account@surpassinggoogle and Hive account@anomadsoul.

NO IT'S NOT EASY

Nothing is easy.
I don't have to focus on negativity but on improvements. What does it really take? Just perseverance and trusting

I am happily blogging my art

and diligently digging deeper on environmental conservation efforts. On how we can be more responsive to negative changes in the climate.

For now, this is what I can offer and work on. I'm glad people still appreciate it.

It's hard to let go of frustrations, standards and it just wears me off.

I think I'm content of my achievements. I do aspire for more but I can't bite off more than I can chew specially if my schedule, daily activities and body can't handle it.

I'm happy with the few contests I get to join in steemit and outside steemit.

Surreal art contest by Hive account@sethlinson

Philippine Japan Festival 2017 contest held by Mindanao Kokusai Daigaku, Davao City ミンダナオ国際大学

Learn to Let Go

And know there's a place for you and people who will stick with you no matter what

Gosh, there is so many things I want to do, so many places I have to travel to, many pieces to draw and paint, many languages to learn and speak and many activities to organize for environmental care.

Am I too ambitious for my own good, too much of a dreamer? Too competitive?

Maybe if I am this way, I should expect all kinds of harshness from the world.

It is not easy to forget, theres always anxiety and fear.
But I will not let go of my aims to have many more art exhibits to join and to make my own large scale art.

I wait that I'll realize that people can still be trusted, that I can still be productive and accomplish many things, that I can do many things that my family and friends deserve and I wait for the time when I never lose hope because it's like I easily run out of it.

I know feelings can be overwhelming, depression, frustration and pressure to do this and that, responsibilities.
Then I see animals being killed for fun and pollution etc. It just pisses me off.
What is happening to this earth?

Sometimes escape seems better, sometimes you wish you'd just die but no, I've got so much to do.

focus on the bright side

Thank you!

I've not expressed this much to anyone in a long time. Not like they have to know my troubles. But showing how I am frustrated with many things, some things are not as easy as it looks. That even with my ability to draw, I feel like it's not enough or making a difference.

I still feel untalented. 🙃🙏✨and a loser. I don't think it will ever go away.
If you didn't know or didn't see this coming, I'm just good at hiding it.

One chance to post

If I were to have a super duper awesome popular post, it would be something people can enjoy and learn from. Like a giant artwork that has the concept for the love for life.

Thank you

Hive account@surpassinggoogle for the nudge

Bloggers have the power to speak and be heard!!! We have the capability to reach out and help.

📝 Thanks for the impeccable leadership Terry.
Take care.