I’m not exactly sure about who I really am. I don’t think we ever fully know who we really are. I think we keep discovering ourselves with time as it goes by. Like a floating paper boat trudging along atop a stream of water, maneuvering the corners, getting constantly cut and dented, on and on until it’s where it’s supposed to be. We simply become, the choices we make, the decisions we take, what we feed our inner selves, and that tiny voice deep inside which we seldom listen to.
Who am i? I am a piece in this giant puzzle called the world. A puzzle which has billions of single pieces, finding their way for themselves. I am one of those pieces. Yet, different. Unique. Introverted (maybe an Ambivert?). An ocean full of oddities, plucking out pieces of myself, and feeding them to those who will.
I am a believer in fate, in destiny, and magic. I am a sucker for long conversations about life, beauty, passion, goals, dreams, ambitions, music, art, love, spirituality, and sexuality. Being an introvert, i can only do this, if I sense that someone is willing enough to listen, to read, to pay attention.
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I love deeply, passionately, completely, physically, emotionally, obsessively, madly… Madness... Isn’t that what it is? Madness? Takes us through a roller coaster ride which unbuckles in the air, leaving us empty, stranded, dazed, and confused?
My favorite genre of music is alternative and progressive rock. Bands such Incubus, The Foo Fighters, Kings of Leon, Audioslave, are ones I keep coming back to. Music... certain music, has this, mystical, uncanny ability to heal, to help make sense.
I consider myself to be an empath. I know this is my double-edged sword. It cuts, and bruises, time and time again, and will keep on doing so. Yet I crave the cut, the sting, for it is bliss, ecstasy and simultaneously, agony. The ability to be there for the world around me, the ability to care, to love, to sacrifice, to be ever present, to give and keep on giving, is what keeps me going. If it halts, I break. If it thrives, I keep on striving, keep on giving. The more i bleed, the better it feels. That's the curse of the sword, and it's only demand to which i yield.
I believe in second chances. I believe in possibility. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in the power of hope. I believe in truth, in honesty, and in loyalty. I don't believe in deceit, i dont believe in lies, i dont believe in hypocrisy. I dont believe in finality, i dont believe in endings.
I believe in the power of introspection. To have the ability to know why we do what we do, why we keep doing it again and again, and why we think the way we think. Introspection, gives us the ability to look within ourselves. It helps us realize the outcomes, the long term repercussions, and possibilities about the decisions we make. We might impulsively make decisions that make us feel high in the short-term, but we forget what it might mean, or do to our family, to friends. We might make choices that can have a detrimental effect on our lives, our mental, and physical health.
Deep down, we all know who we really are, who we really want to be, and where we're headed with the choices we so impulsively make. We know how we can get to be that version of ourselves, and what we need to do to fight off the demons harboring inside of us. We all know our demons, our vices, and why we fail to keep them at bay. Introspection helps us recognize and identify these demons. Courage, and listening to that little voice of reason inside us, helps us eradicate them.
Those of us who can muster up the courage to ward off their demons, will eventually become who they want to really be. Those who keep ignoring them, keep giving them safe passage, will keep on drifting, from nothingness to nothingness, drowning in the abyss of guilty pleasures, unintentionally latching on to their vices, to feel something, anything, even for a little while, only to drift again. For these demons are relentlessly addictive, oh yes. They make you feel special; they make you feel pure ecstasy of short lived, destructive pleasure, only to make you feel impossibly miserable from the inside again.
To all the lost souls out there, to all trying to find themselves, trying to pick themselves up and make meaning of their lives. There is hope. Let go of the demons. You know what they are. Who they are. You know where they hide. You know what they do to you. You know how they take you over again and again, for short term pleasure, bliss, and abyss. They know what your weaknesses are, don't let them exploit your stereotype. Don't let them become your temporary escape from reality. You are better than all of it and you know it. Don't let them masquerade around as your imperfect half waiting for your help. They will feed off of your soul, only to reveal what they truly are when it's too late. Be true to yourself.
At the end of the day, we're our own worst nightmare. We become what we feed the hungry wolf inside of us. Don't let it become what will eventually break you.
At the core of it, i don't think we really know who we are, or what we're supposed to do every day. We only have our values, principles, and self belief to guide us, to keep us sane in the madness, to stop getting us intoxicated with momentary gains. Life is not all happiness nor all misery. It brings us both. The key is to being grateful and humble when things are smooth, and to be patient, when they're not.
As I have to head out and swallow the fuel that burns me these days, i wish you all hope, love, luck, and contentment.
I'll leave with some lines from Chris Cornell, and a word of thanks to 
"Even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart, or been held up,
Every single memory of, the good or bad faces of luck,
Don't lose any sleep tonight, i'm sure everything, will end up all right,
You may win or lose, but to be yourself, is all that you can do.. to be yourself, is all that you can do.."
*Source: Be Yourself, performed by Audioslave"*
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