We are sooo wrong. Women, mums. We do everything backwards. Instead of facing maternity with confidence and information, instead of asking the important questions to the people who KNOWS the answers (yes, there is not a right answer in this sort of matters (and all that crap), except I'm sure that there is JUST ONE RIGHT answer for everyone, it doesn't have to be the same for all or forever) we need to fill our void, instead of really trusting our biological-mammal instinct, we decide that it is ok to feel disoriented. That it is ok to feel insecure. We convince ourselves that feeling guilty about everything (someone convince us we should be) is normal, that insecurity is a fundamental part of motherhood.
Why???
Why instead of trusting our mothers or grandmothers or aunts, the old and experienced mothers en our life we surround ourselves with other dealing mothers, with the frightened-full-of-guilt-crying mothers that help only to ask more questions and provide no answers?
I don't know about you, but here, in Buenos Aires, middle age middle class halftime working mothers join what they call tribes. "Tribus", in spanish. A tribe is a group of first time mums that get together for coffee and cake with the babies and talk about this and that. What for? Beats me. To share experiences, they say. Such us? My baby does not sleep. Mine either, what can we do? I read the Ferber style is cruel and unfashionable. Yeah, i wouldn't 'do that either. So? Nothing. We don't know. OF COURSE NOT. Neither of you have dealt before with that. ASK SOMEONE that already has!!
My nipples hurt. I don't have milk. My baby is teething and he is irritable. My husband is useless. My kid is not able to sit and he is already seven months old. What do I do?
Simple: DO NOT waste your time feeling frightened and lost all the time and find one female role model that you feel has successfully raised children, and trust her. Between your sharp and renewed mother instinct and her experience, nothing can go wrong.
Breastfeeding is another chapter of this same issue. There's an organization, called La Leche League International (La Liga de la Leche in most latin countries such as mine) that's the most important and relevant breastfeeding organization. There are a lot of other organizations talking and dealing with this subject, there are a lot of specialized women (we call them puericultoras, women that help specifically with newborns and in particular with breastfeeding problems), but no one of them knows more that LLLI.
So, why am I explaining this? Because 'new age' mummies say they surely want to breastfeed, but instead of looking up information about it or even talking about it with someone with a little knowledge on the matter, they assume (like they assume a lot of other stuff) that it will come naturally. They think the newborn will turn up knowing how to suck. And no, it doesn't happen like that.
Babies need help. Of course, if you give them your nipple, they will suck until they get something out of it. But chances are they will make an enormous (and unnecessary) effort to eat and you will cry out of pain while holding in there letting your child nurse.
Again, I ask you. WHY????
According to LLLI (The Bible of BF) nursing is not ever supposed to hurt. Never, not once. If it hurts it's because you (and baby) are doing it wrong. Get help, get someone from the LLLI (they offer help for free) that helps you make the baby latch on correctly. It sounds easy, it sounds magical. It sounds... right? But the vast majority of educated women still don't know. Still do it wrong, they still decide to trust the wrong people.
And then, they go on until baby is a toddler, a two, or three years old. Don't even get me started on that.
Motherhood and insecurity are not a good match. I trusted my mother, my grandmother and the pediatrician. And myself, of course. No one else. It can be done. No child deserves a doubtful mother.