This may be one of my most personal posts...but I am hoping I can help someone somehow. Know that you're not alone, and things do get better. That was something I didn't believe.
Before this trip I was near death from severe depression.
This year one of my best friends killed himself. It went downhill from there.
In the last 12 months I have been sexually assaulted three times by disgusting human beings. Some who I believed to be friends that trusted.
I moved out of my parent's house this year and have been learning how to support myself. My living situation hasn't helped. There's abuse happening upstairs between the couple that lives there and I had to walk over piles of junk to get anywhere in the house. There is no room in the fridge so I ate fast food most of the time.
For a year I have been manipulated by a possible sociopath. It destroyed my sense of self worth, questioning my sanity and reality all together. My heart was broken over and over again but it has finally stopped.
Immediately after, I confided in a new friend. Something hopeful and full of light. He felt like sunshine that quickly slipped through my fingers and disappeared. My depression has scared a lot of people away.
This year I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I felt ashamed of this diagnosis. Those people are considered crazy and I am one of them.
Finally, I just felt hopeless. I felt alone. I had been hiding behind a shield and I didn't tell anyone how I felt for a year. After all that had piled up, I exploded. I've been in emotional pain for almost 13 years. 13 years that has snowballed up to one moment where I decided I had done my time here and I just wasn't one of those people who was meant to grow old. I couldn't accomplish any goals because I couldn't get out of bed. For months, I lived in my bed.
So, I decided to go to Utah with my dearest friends, Hunter and Kehlyn. Couldn't love 'em any more than I do.
Climbing/hiking gives me a quick feeling of purpose and accomplishment. There's something about it that springs forth a rush of motivation to complete the goals I haven't gotten around to doing yet. I recommend this.
You start saying things to yourself like, "I climbed a fucking mountain. I can do my laundry today. I can get out of bed."
Epic nature like this really puts your life in perspective. I think that's why travelers seem so sure of themselves. They seem happy. They seem to understand life.
On the way down, we were hit with a hail storm (that we foolishly saw coming from the distance). Running and climbing downwards, being pelted with freezing rain felt like we were in a movie. Personally, my movie of choice was Lord of the Rings. I felt like Legolas for some reason. Nimble and swift. Not to sound arrogant...but the incline felt natural to my feet. Hopping from rock to rock.
At the bottom, the rain calmed down. We stood there wheezing, soaked and stressed. I felt ashamed to have asked my friends to climb while a storm was on its way. I put them through lethal danger on slippery rocks. But then, I saw it. I turned my head (and I wish I could've captured such a thing on camera). The largest full rainbow all of us had ever seen!
Again, nature showed us a beautiful metaphor. To quote Samwise Gamgee, "Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."
That moment reminded me of something important about life. Sometimes it hits you by surprise, and sometimes you can see it coming from miles away. You will get hit by a storm a times in your life. But there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm. And if you go through it with friends that love you, it's easier to get through. We laughed the whole weekend.
I came home to a clean, remodeled house. The mess is gone and there are carpets, a shower curtain and dishes done. My roommates are stepping up.
My parents invited me to a yoga class and my dad is teaching me to box.
I started attending my CoDa group meetings again and I'm studying hard in DBT (Dialectica Behavioral Therapy) specifically designed for folks with Borderline Personality Disorder and almost 100% guaranteed to change lives for the better.
I've joined a membership at LA Fitness and purchased my own personal fridge to keep in my room so I can eat healthy.
The best thing though, is that I feel okay being alone. I don't need a relationship to feel whole. Although I miss the sunshine that I had, I'm beginning to find it within. :)
It's been real. In conclusion: Climb a mountain, bro.