I was crying.
It's SO hard to SHOW pained emotions on camera (hence why acting is so therapeutic)
And when I turn it on, the tears stop.
But I can't stand to feel fake by not showing that side.
Like i'm all "triumphant" all the time.
That I don't feel alone often.
And sometimes hopeless, misunderstood and lost.
Yes.
I have tools to get myself to the other side.
But if there is another side, that means there's is the down side too.
Every motivational/warrior post means I had over come a painful experience.
it's HURTING ME to only show the high and not show the low.
Because my "up high" posts don't make me feel less alone.
This is HARD.
This is the hard stuff to share while you're IN IT.
So I just share about them AFTER i'm through it. Never during.
Showing
vulnerability in the moments of weakness has been THE CHALLENGE OF MY EFFING LIFE.
I've wanted to disappear. I've wanted to no longer be here
I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE AT REACHING OUT.
Aka I don't feel supported.
It's a blessing and a curse to have learned how to get yourself through all of your hardship...But I've realized I CANT DO THIS ALONE.
Not anymore.
I recognize now that during those times when I have felt alone, lost, like no one cares etc and I wanted to reach out or I did and made a post, I quickly went and deleted it.
God forbid someone else know that I have FALLEN.
That I am IN the darkness.
That I let them in.
Cause oh gosh do I fall.
I fall deep.
Hard.
And it HURTS.
THATS WHY I need the motivation and the RAWR posts I make.
That's why I must be my own best friend.
That's WHY I must embrace my inner lioness and warrior.
But if this month is truly about authenticity in the deepest way,
I CANT PRETEND i'm always okay.. Cause i'm absolutely NOT.
Yea I have inner spirit and god and My sister in heaven,
But I need those HIGH VIBES because of how LOW I have been and how low I sometimes still get, no matter how much I even want to convince myself that those days are behind me. Gosh did I want them to be behind me...
I don't like to admit these
I cry. I weep. I yell. I hurt.
I desire to be seen.
To be heard.
I am real
I'm done pretending
It doesn't serve me
I desire Real connections.
I'm only inspiring because of the pain I experience...
