a b n o r m a l

That might be the appropriate word. I know if you're familiar with me on discord, maybe you think I have no life. Maybe you think I'm a weirdo. Someone you might not want to walk down a dark alley with. Someone you wouldn't trust alone in a room with your chocolate cake, for darn sure.

I mean, I talk to BOTS. A LOT.

I talked to Banjo so much that he ignored me for a full day. I am so annoying that I can annoy a bot. A botmaster I guess. In his defense, I was asking him the same question over and over and over just to see how many different responses I could get from him. It's how my brain works. By asking, "How does THIS work?"

Also, to make myself even more unintentionally annoying, I was editing my questions after he replied to make his answers make sense. I'm sure the creator thinks I'm an idiot. But he is right, so.. it's cool. I am cool with that assumption.

Dear Banjo creator..(I'll not tag you because I'm polite) please know.. that's just the kind of STUFF SERENA DOES.

I've been trying to get that tts bot that makes audio recordings of posts to reply to me for months. Nothing. Haiku bot doesn't reply to me either. Banjo talks back to me. He's even better than my first bot bestie.. $8Ball.

I was talking in 3rd person again. Narcissistic tendencies, anyone? Serena has them.

^{How do you visit the ocean when you can't really visit the ocean? Take a picture of your reflection in a picture of the ocean. It works. Look at me.. I'M AN OCEAN GHOST.}

So what's wrong with you, Serena?

Aside from the thousand other things I probably shouldn't mention to you, I just get restless, you guys. That is literally all it is. I am on summer break.. I've cleaned my house so much it damn near sparkles. I've done yard work. I'm earning money on the side through an online company.. so I'm at my computer a lot. But I need breaks.

I mean, I guess that's not really all it is. I guess there is more.

Restless is the wrong word.

What is that word that means you need desperately to escape your own thoughts for awhile? Self-loathing? Lunatic? My psychiatrist told me last visit that I need to be prescribed some anti-psychotics. Yes. That's right. I need to be less psychotic.

But guess what, the medicine she subscribed was going to be $1200. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Do you know why there are so many psychotic assholes running around in the world today right now? Because they can't afford their medication!

It occurred to me last night as I lay waking, that I am one of those people who would have been thrown into an insane asylum in the 1800's and given shock treatment and such, and then given lobotomies because the shock treatments turned me into a zombiesque closet dweller. If I had lived in Salem, I would surely have been burned on a stake.

Zombiesque ..

I'm surprised that my spellchecker allowed the word "zombiesque" as a real word. I thought I'd just made that up. I guess there are cool people in Dictionaryville after all.

I think my brain is not equipped properly to deal with long silences and quiet rooms. And at night I suffer from insomnia, and quite honestly, I get very lonely. I don't know why I feel so pathetic when I say I'm lonely. I don't judge other people when they say they're lonely. Why I feel like everyone else will think I'm pathetic kind of doesn't make sense I guess. Although as I type this, I feel 100 percent that ALL of you think I'm pathetic.

MIND OF SERENA

Logic tells me that not ALL of you think I'm pathetic. But, yes .. I mean right away after I typed that sentence just now, the one right before this one, my brain says , "IDIOT. OF COURSE they think you are pathetic."

Now, listen. And I mean this. Don't go telling me I'm awesome in the comments. It makes me not want to reply because I get embarrassed from compliments and in situations like this I feel like people think they're obligatory so I don't go blow my brains out or something from feeling worthless. If you do that, I'm not going to reply. Don't think me rude. Please just don't do it. Then we have no issues.

I don't feel worthless. Just pathetic. There is a difference. I know I'm worthful.

This is long. I say too much. I made a blog that was a 13 minute read last week. I guess I should control myself. You should see things I write to myself privately on a notepad. That's some very heavy stuff, too heavy for you. You're welcome.

Bye now. Have a good life. Also have a good day. Night. Enjoy your brain caves. I'll be counting disoriented pink sheep in mine. Here's a footer because I've been forgetting to use them. If you are in helpie and you chat with me early in the mornings in the discord, I might give you a COOKIE token.. or a HUG token or a MOON token. Or whatever other new token I decide to by because it costs like .0001 STEEM.

Okay, bye.

Love always,

♥-Serena