In terms of sex, the quest for performance can quickly take over. Being a "good shot" becomes the grail.
"Beauty, money, power and celebrity, all right, but sex, how can you say it's an illusion of happiness?" This is a frequent reaction when I talk about my new book, Happiness Without Illusions , where I lead the investigation into the basics of lasting happiness.
My interlocutors are right to be surprised: who could deny that sex is a source of pleasure - one of the few, in addition, that is accessible regardless of the standard of living? Even scientific research has shown that sex can make you happy ... up to a certain point though: once a week - beyond that, the frequency of intercourse has no effect on the level of happiness.
So, why treat sex among the illusions of happiness? Simply because sex offers a very strong example of the difference between happiness and pleasure, and risks that can involve a frantic race to pleasure.
In terms of sex, the quest for performance can quickly take over. Being a "good shot" becomes the grail: "If only I were James Bond / Sharon Stone in bed, I would be clearly happier"! But what exactly is "being good" in bed? Is this happiness?
In an environment teeming with pornography, it becomes increasingly difficult to identify what men and women really aspire to . Remember that almost 70% of young French people learn sex through pornography, and more than 60% of them try to reproduce the filmed scenes - 88% of which contain physical violence. Globally, one in five mobile searches is about pornography. Let's add the fantasies conveyed by Hollywood super-productions, from Nine Weeks and a Half to Eyes Wide Shut to the now-famous 50 Shades of Gray , which end up becoming "imposed figures".
Result? Young people are more and more anxious not to be "up to" these references. 45% of men say they want a bigger sex - even though in fact, 85% of women say they are quite satisfied with the size of their partner's sex. A large number of young men also think that the duration of the sexual act is one hour - while in "real life", a report lasts an average of 5.6 minutes. On the women's side, 70% would like to have bigger breasts - when only 20% of men would like their wife to retouch her breasts
Now, what do people really want in bed? When asked about the question in many surveys, women talk about a man who pays attention to them and who takes his time to discover their bodies. Men, for their part, evoke a woman who loves her body, whatever its forms, and who likes to have fun. And a large study conducted by the condom brand Durex confirms that the most important word in sex is, unanimously for men and women ... respect !
Does this radical gap between fantasies and reality, between sex and feeling, help to lay the foundations for lasting happiness? One doubts: the sex is often instrumentalized, and the thirst for performance nourishes complex, depression, feeling of loneliness or incapacity.
So what solution for a "happy sex"? In my opinion, awareness and education above all. Danes, for example, have decided to teach sexuality without taboos, including showing pornographic films - just to invite young people to make the difference between illusions and realities. This uninhibited approach is based on a philosophy of life based on trust, the freedom to be oneself, so to speak of one's sexuality, one's fantasies, the right moment.
It is also the spirit of this book: to investigate, in a very documented manner, these five ingredients that society has accustomed us to consider as easy shortcuts to happiness - beauty, money, celebrity, power and sex, so to identify the good battles to lead to be happy.
Yes, sex can be a great source of pleasure. But the accumulation of pleasures - by definition fleeting, can it build lasting happiness? Do not we risk becoming a slave? Can one base one's femininity or manhood on a number of conquests or positions?
Yes, a fulfilled, committed and active sex life participates in happiness ... provided that it rhymes with respect and sincerity. As a friend told me, "It's when I fell in love that I understood the difference between sex in itself, and make love to a woman who is everything to me."