Do we always have to have a “why”? Everything we do has to have a reason; or so it seems. I sit here and watch my baby scoot around the floor, reaching, with so much determination, for her brother’s rubix cube. She can’t crawl quite yet but she has a “why”… She wants her brother’s toy. Are all living things driven by “whys”? My conclusion to this very simple question is yes. None of us do anything without purpose or desired outcome. Every decision has motive. It could be simple. I am eating a pile of kale to clean out my liver. I am drinking half my body weight in ounces of water today so I can mark dehydration off my list of reasons I have a headache. I am going to work a million hours this year because I have serious student loan debt that I have been slowly paying down for nearly 20 years. Etc, etc…
I finally figured out my biggest why this past year.
I was lying in a hospital bed four weeks before my due date with my LAST child. I was 39 years old. After nearly 8 years being married to my dream man/partner/friend and after having two beautiful sons, God had gifted me with a daughter. I have wanted a baby girl since the time I was 5 years old. That pregnancy was hard. Really hard. I was sick everyday and the migraines were worse then ever. As I was lying there hooked up to a fetal monitor and an IV for fluids, I prayed to die. I was just days away from meeting my baby girl and I couldn’t even hold on for her. The lovely nurse gave me Percocet to kill the pain in my head…seven hours and two doses later, when the pain was dulled, I was sent home. At home that night, as the Percocet wore off my headache came back with a vengeance and I was sure I was reaching my end. I had to wait 3 more days before I would hit the 37th week and they would induce labor. The stress and fear of my migraine made me feel anxious, exhausted, and praying/begging for relief. I truly felt like death was the only option. I wasn’t afraid to die. I welcomed it. I knew that my kids would be fine; they have an incredible daddy but their mommy could not carry on. Looking back on that dreadful couple of weeks and the horrible, irrational darkness that overtook my thoughts I feel ashamed. The shame I have carried the past 11 months has led me to my “WHY”.
So, WHY am I changing my lifestyle so drastically? Because I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I will do anything to make my migraines stop so I can live a healthy life with my family in this beautiful world God created.
I want to live. I want to watch my babies grow up. I want to travel with my husband. I want to explore my talents and use them (I should probably figure out what my talents are first). I want to learn. I want to finally allow my body to thrive and be strong. I will transform my life and habits so I CAN live the life I am intended to live. I no longer want to welcome death.
Wish me luck.
What is your biggest WHY?