I never had that relentless longing to become a mother like a lot of women have. One of the most beautiful things in the universe, yet I just don't have that desire. I have no apathy either. Indifference is probably the right word.
Like many young girls I played with dolls, I loved to play house. I liked to help my mom care for my baby brother. I grew up with the assumption that I'd some day become a mom with a family of my own. But that was society and the natural desire of young girls to emulate my own mother in my future life. But as I grew older it became less and less of something I thought about.
Assumptions People Make About Me
- I must not like children
Not even the least bit true. In junior high I volunteered in the pediatric wing of the local hospital. In high school (and for 15 or so years after that) I coached youth soccer. I babysat for most of my school years. And I loved those kids dearly. In fact I'm still in touch with many of them today; they're grown now with families of their own. I am Auntie April to many of my friends' kids. My brother's three children are the most important things in the world to me (more on this later). When I lived in IL I volunteered at a group home for pregnant, homeless teen moms. Most of my time there was spent babysitting while they attended parenting and GED classes. My life is full of children.
- I sacrificed a family for a career
This one gets under my skin the most. There is a societal belief that a woman has to choose one or the other. Bullshit. Sure it takes some help, and one or the other might take a back seat from time to time. A woman CAN have it all. And millions of women are doing it every single day. Sure, I've always been career-minded, and I've accomplished a decent amount professionally. But never, not one single day, did I feel I was choosing it over something else. I have managed my career all the while giving time to other people's children. There is a lot to say on this topic, but perhaps for another post. This one is about my desire to have children, not my ability to have both a family and a career. If anything, I've worked hard in my career to be able to spend more valuable time. Little example, but on Friday I'm leaving work around lunch to go read to my niece's pre-k class. I've worked hard to afford that luxury; leaving without approval from anyone or missing pay, using vacation time, etc.
I'm lying to myself due to my PCOS
This one is a fan favorite. SO many people (mostly mothers) have suggested this to me; even my own mother. When I was 20 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. And sure, it sucks. For medical reasons. That was 24 years ago (yikes!) and for the most part I have it worked out. But everyone wants to make it this huge emotional experience for me. It really wasn't. Firstly, let's understand that PCOS does not mean that you cannot have children. In some cases (most) it will make conception difficult, but certainly not impossible. So it wasn't as though at an early age I found out I couldn't have kids, so put it out of my mind and decided that I didn't want any anyway. But that's what a lot of people have turned it into. Secondly, there are a ton of alternate ways to become a parent. I don't need ovaries to become a mom.I'm selfish
It's common for people without children to say that they didn't want to give up any of their freedom. Nothing wrong with that, but it's never been that for me either. I've tied myself down (somewhat) in other ways, with pets and volunteer responsibilities or caring for other kids. Sure, it's not nearly the same as the commitment of having your own kids, but that's never been a reason for me. Financial reasons also really didn't occur to me. I have taken steps to take care of my brother's children financially (as best I can) and have no issues parting with money to help them or give them experiences. Again, not saying what I do is the same as what parents do for their kids. But selfishness is just another one of those assumptions people make that I don't think is really accurate in my case.
The Truth About My Decision
There isn't an easy answer to this one besides I simply just never had the desire. I'm not opposed to it, and should something have happened in my life and I found myself pregnant, I'm 100% confident I would be an amazing mother. But I simply don't feel like I need it. So I never actively tried.
I have conflict with some of my ideals. I do believe at some point we will populate ourselves to greater numbers than the earth can support. For this reason I don't support (for myself anyway) using science to procreate. I will likely need to use the help of modern western medicine to conceive. This is NOT me placing judgement on people that do utilize things like fertility drugs, IVF and the like. If you want something, go get it. I'm just saying for me, personally, it's not something I support since I don't necessarily HAVE to have a baby to feel fulfilled. That's not the case for many women.
There are some struggles that come with this. There have been times (many of them) where I struggled with feeling like less of a woman. That I somehow connect differently (and less) now with the women in my life who do have that maternal need. That I was depriving myself of some amazing connection to my own body and the life it created. Perhaps that's the key. I have never felt deprived. Although most every mother tells me that I am. I often have to remind myself that I'm every bit as much of a woman as mothers.
The Dichotomy
Kids bring me joy. I've surrounded myself with them most of my life. So it's a difficult thing for most people, and at times even myself, to understand. Why wouldn't I want any of my own? Maybe it's because I have (and always have had) wonderful children in my life that aren't mine. I get my fill that way. It's not something I can answer. Just in the same way women who do that the desire to have children, I have the same inexplicable opposite feeling.
So instead I'm the awesome Auntie. I let them have the extra cookie every now and then. I take them for outings individually and get some quality bonding time in with each of them. But I'm not afraid to discipline them either. My brothers and close friends' children anyway LOL. Not everyone's. My brother's three kids are my greatest joy in life. It's because of them I quit my job and moved the 1800 miles to be closer to them. I wanted to be more than just the out-of-town aunt that showed up from time to time. When they're older and they're pissed at their parents for whatever reason, I want to be the person they call. I want to dance at their weddings knowing we had something special throughout their lives.
