I spend yesterday and today going to meetings I had set up that I think have the potential to create more revenue for the company I work for. That is part of my job and I am good at it. But it's all come to feel so hollow. I've doing the same job for way too long, just going through the motions, and it's as if this trade show were every tradeshow I've been to for the past 15 years. And I keep wondering (and then the shame fills me) why I am not out on my own yet? Why am I still an employee? What am I doing still selling advertising when I "coulda been somebody"! I have a master's degree from Oxford University. I got a Fulbright Award to study in Sweden. Why have I been doing this dull job for so long and how do I break out? What happened to my childhood dreams of being a writer, a painter, a great chef?
It was good to see all the old friends I've made in the business. One after one they came over and hugged me and said, "You look great! It's fantastic to see you! What are you up to?" These are my network, my supporters. There has to be a way to tie all of these together and to do something for myself.
I am taking steps, one at at time, to build something independent. I am not ready yet, but I will be. There's a lot more I have to do and try, but I will do it. I don't want to be at this trade show again next year. I am declaring this the last. I will change my life before next July.