I am an introvert.
I like to keep most things to myself, and you can rarely spot me talking to strangers in public unless I absolutely have to. I also suffer from anxiety, which can be quite difficult to handle at times. Besides all that, past negative experiences with people made me dislike others and desire independence above all. This means that I like, more than anything, to be alone and often to do everything on my own
There are, of course, exceptions. I enjoy the company of certain people and I'm happy when they are around. Most of the time my "social battery" runs out very quickly, even around those that I like, but once in a while I can find someone that I can spend hours and hours with without getting bored, tired, or without wishing to be alone.
Anyway, all that makes me a bit "weird" in the eyes of a lot of people. I am not the sociable type, and I doubt I'll ever be. I have my moments in which I crave social interaction, but those moments are rare and they often go away quickly.
I wanted to mention all that before beginning to write about the main topic of this article because I think that a little bit of background can help you better understand my position and the reason for being the way I am.
I'm just going to say it directly, and I'll give you more details after that: I dislike being "helped" by other people.
Now, there's a lot to say about this. I dislike receiving help in general. I especially dislike asking for it. I am the type of person who loves to do everything.
If I need a website, I would rather spend a few weeks, alone, learning everything I need to make a website, than to ask a friend who knows more than me for help, and maybe bothering him in the process - maybe he has other things he wants to do.
If I need to write a book, I'd rather go online and spend a few days doing research on what to do and how to do it, how to publish my own book online, how to do the cover, marketing, and everything else that is needed, than to ask someone for help.
At times, I would rather lose something or accept a difficult situation for what it is and learn to deal with it or transform it into something better on my own, than to ask someone to help me.
Now, I realize that this can have quite a lot of obvious disadvantages. But this type of behavior can also be good. Because of it I have to constantly learn new things so that I can do everything on my own, which not only allows me to be more independent overall, but it also helps me become a more skilled person.
I should also mention that at times, when everything becomes too difficult to handle and I have very few options left, I do ask for help. I can do it, I just prefer not to.
With all that mentioned, here's what I absolutely hate, more than anything, something that people love to do to me, despite the fact that I mention again and again that they should absolutely NOT: some people help me, and do things "for me", even when I do not wish it.
Some of you might think "well, what's the problem with that?"
Well, the problem is that people are doing something regarding me that I specifically tell them NOT to do it. Some people completely disregard my arguments and my reasons (although most of the time I keep those reasons to myself because they're my business), and they do just go ahead and do what they want, because they think that it's the nice thing to do.
IT. IS. NOT.
Not when you're being asked not to help, not in a "oh my god, please don't waste your time with this, I'm gonna figure it out, it's okay" way, but in a "please let me do this myself, the way I want, and don't get involved" way.
Despite what others might say, there are people like me out there who like to live their life and interact with people in a certain specific way. Disregarding that desire, especially when expressed, because you believe that your intervention is "needed" or "welcomed" or "the act of a good friend", can often have the exact opposite effect - it can end up annoying people like me, driving us crazy, causing us anxiety and it can ruin an entire day for us.
Let me give you an example so that you can better understand what I'm talking about.
Let's say that I am part of a group tasked to work on a specific project. The team leader is helping us all do our part, and this person is amazing - they are getting involved, they help everyone, they make sure that everything goes smoothly, and they make sure that each individual person receives credit for their work.
Now let's say that for some reason, I receive more help than others, and that helps me do quite an amazing work. I am grateful and I have nothing but good things to say about our "boss". Everything is so nice that I share this experience with one of my close friends who happens to know this particular person to a certain extent.
Once the project is completed, everyone begins to search for a new project. Basically each person goes their own way. Considering that I have received extra help from the team leader, I feel as if I should express my appreciation for that, and I spend some time thinking about it, but I don't share my intention with anyone.
Now let's say that for some reason my friend, who knows how much I've been helped by this team leader, decides, as well, that I should express my appreciation through a nice gesture. However, because this "friend" knows me so well, and probably understands that I'm having a hard time with this because of my social anxiety and unwillingness to talk to other people, he decides to help by buying a gift and sending it to the team leader, as if it was from me, with some words of appreciation.
It is at this moment that some people would say "aw, that's nice". It's also at this moment that people who are more like me will cringe and scream and get angry and have an anxiety attack. Why? For a lot of reasons.
If you're like me, and you suffer from general anxiety, but especially social, you might know very well just how much planning goes behind every intention of talking to a person. We try to figure out what to do, how to do it, what response we'll get, how to respond to that response, and so on. We play a bunch of scenarios in our head to get accustomed to a lot of the things that might happen in our interaction. We also carefully consider our actions - what to say, when to say it, how to say it, what to give, what not to give, when to give, etc.
That entire process is very important and disregarding it can send some of us into a spiral of negative thoughts. Even if the interaction goes well, we'll think it didn't, and we'll spend hours or even days pondering over what happened and what the other person might think of us, especially if it's someone we admire or if we're grateful to them for something.
The act of getting involved into a situation that is none of your business, to "help" a person who did not ask for it, can be insulting to people who are accustomed to doing certain things in their own way. It can escalate into a big argument and the entire friendship might suffer.
You might think "wow, you're overreacting" - I'm not.
For someone like me, independence is important, and the entire process I mentioned above, is also very important. I like to do things in my own way. If that results in something good, great. If not, then I will accept and deal with the consequences. No one has the right to step in and do what I need to do in their own way because they want to "help". I do not want to be helped. Period.
This is something that should be mentioned because I've seen this type of behavior a lot, and I know that even though the people who do such things can have very good intentions, I also know how much pain and anxiety it can cause to a person like me.
But let's say you want to help. How can you do it?
Well, the main thing you can do is to simply communicate. That's it. If you think that your friend should do something, say it and explain your reasons. If your idea is good, it will be well received. If it's not, it will be rejected. It's that simple.
Sometimes people notice a lot of things that I don't during social interactions, or realize that certain things should be done in order for me to give a good impression. Tell me those things, and if I agree with you, I might even ask for you to help me do them. But do not do them on your own because you think that they will help me, because the situation that your actions might put me in might simply be something that I'd hate to deal with, and instead of helping, you cause me more trouble.
Let me give you an example that actually happened.
During my stay in Germany last year, I had some trouble with getting my debit card from the bank that I went to. I don't speak any German, but my girlfriend does, and so she helped me with pretty much everything regarding this problem. Luckily for us, we found a really nice lady at the bank who knew what she was doing, and she helped us a lot through this problem (it took several weeks, and we visited the bank in several occasions, and we were always helped by this lady).
After the problem was solved and I got my card, we went back to the bank to make sure that everything went accordingly, and luckily for me, it was all well. Once we got out of the bank, my girlfriend said "That lady was really nice and she helped us a lot, maybe we should get her something". It was a great idea. It didn't occur to me at that moment - because, as I said, a lot of things involving social interactions escape me - and I agreed. So we went to a shop nearby, bought a nice box of chocolate candy, and we went back to the bank. My girlfriend went in and gave the lady the box (since I spoke no German), and she was really surprised and really happy - apparently not a lot of people do such things.
This is a good example of how to actually help someone like me. Since the thought of showing my appreciation to that nice lady by buying a small "thank you" gift escaped me, and since my girlfriend is more sociable than me and more accustomed to these things, she told me that we could do such thing. She told me the reason, and because it was a good idea and because she would help me do it, I accepted.
If she would've decided, on her own, that she should buy a gift and give it to the lady at the bank in my name, without telling me before it, I would've taken the entire affair in a completely different (and negative) way.
Why?
Simply because I did not **ask **to be helped in such a matter. Not giving a "thank you" gift to that lady might've made her consider me just another annoying client - and that is my decision. As dumb as it sounds, it is my choice how I want to be perceived by others, and what type of interaction I want to have with them. And having that taken away from me by someone who doesn't care enough about what I want and just does what they think is good just doesn't sit right with me.
It might sound dumb to some people who can't imagine being in such a situation, but it is not for some people who are like me. We won't always refuse help when given to us, especially if it's being communicated in a proper way and if it comes with a good reason. But someone like me will almost always get angry when being "helped" without being asked first.
This does not, obviously, apply to every person, and not to every situation. Some people might hate receiving other types of help. I particularly dislike it when someone takes it upon themselves to help me in a "social situation", regardless of how I feel. Others might hate receiving any type of monetary aid - just buying something for them will drive them crazy. Others will hate being put in a position in which they feel dumb, and they'll react in a negative way to such a situation.
There are also people out there who don't mind any type of help at all. Your interference won't bother them and you can do what you consider to be right without them getting annoyed or angry.
But you should be aware that such a thing won't apply to everyone. And because of it, you should always communicate your intentions before doing anything "for someone". What you consider "help" might be the exact opposite for a person who you do not know well enough, regardless of how much you've been friends or how well you think you know them.
So, try to communicate. Ask. Share your reasoning and the reason why you think that certain things should be done in a certain way. And if the other person says "No", drop it. And let them suffer the consequences, if there are any consequences involved, for not acting. Because even if you think that those "consequences" are bad, the other person might simply be more okay with them than with your idea of "help".