Help Me, I Feel Like I’m Dying & I’m Scared Living Here at Woodlawn Terrace Apartments (I knew there was others because I just spoke with one)  

He said, "I don't know what it is, and I bought all the stuff for killing lice bugs, but no one believes me, they all just think I'm crazy!"  I miss my friends there and I miss the people that supported me in what I was going through.  I just knew how expensive it got to be, and how hard it would be for anyone to have to go through what I was going through, and everyone else now.  Somehow I felt that it was a $900,000,000.00 Case!  I just knew that these people were also rich and were well protected by money.  
 

I had been wanting to talk about it, and my mom didn't in that fear she had to see her grandchildren.  It was enough reason to be concerned truthfully.  I was concerned, and I didn't want this thing to spread all over the place.  But, it was sick and I was scared and I was hurting and I was sleepless.  I was just burned-out.  I felt I had nowhere to turn to, and nowhere to run.  I wanted help, but the help I got was telling me that they didn't see anything, and I knew I wasn't just feeling bugs that weren't there.  I was feeling them constantly at times – and when I took a bleach bath and did lice killing shampoo's, this was the only relief I was getting, and for a short time because I felt too that these things had already been spreading.  I knew that I needed help, just forgetting the feelings that lice and/or body louse or flea's and other unknown jumpy biting bugs would give as it was months and months of non-stop back and forth feeling itchy and not – feeling itchy and not.  Ecto-parasites that would crawl around on my skin; my knee's, my feet, my buttox, and my back and chest, even on my face and feeling them jump on my eye lashes and eye brows – the feeling got pretty annoying.  Anywhere where I had hair – I was feeling them on me, and when I shaved my whole body, they were still feeling as though they could jump on me.  So, maybe this was something else and I couldn't discover what they were.  I thought dust mites, flea's, ticks and started studying a whole lot of different bugs that I thought were in the home now and had made it more their own home then mine.  It wasn't an easy topic to bring up, but – I wanted help or at least someone to know what I was going through in case I died.
 

“Good Lord, I just didn't want to die this way,” I thought.  Not only had I wanted someone to know what I was going through, but I wanted someone to be with me as I was scared that bugs had gotten in me, crawling inside of my nose, ears and wherever they could get into me, because I literally at times felt bugs crawling across one of my buttocks cheeks or crawling all the way up my body and down or up my back and in my arm-pits and everywhere.  I was still freaking out about it, because I still have gotten no closure.  Who in their right mind wouldn't want closure to these feelings!?  Anyone!?  I'll take names if you can continue working like this?    
 

I was feeling so much angst about it that I was literally praying to God, asking will you please help me get my story heard and felt in such a way that I could find closure to the circumstances that I was dealing with.  This was beyond reasonable that I had been going through this hell for the reasons that I felt were out of control.  I wanted dogs and cats and other animals to stay away from me, because I cared about animals and knew that people can share these things with animals as well as other humans.  I wanted people to stay clear away from me, because I didn't want this to travel to anyone else before it got dealt with appropriately, and especially children – I cried there on the back stoop night after night because of hearing babies cry.  I just didn't want to be there and feeling all this pain.
 

There was even a point at which I was feeling these things where I wouldn't even want to go into great detail about it but I just wanted to point out that I was feeling these things around my genitals as well as feeling as though one crawled into my pee hole.  I was scared that I was never going to have sex again, or be able to catch a girl smiling at me in that sort of way where I would ask for a number or try to start a conversation – but even in those situations I felt so alone, and just wanted to run away until I found a neighbor that basically helped me try to get rid of the feelings and for the most part what we did was working and I was improving to the point where I haven’t slept better since.  I saw so many pretty girls, where I just felt like – fuck this, I can't even feel comfortable like I used to be able to.  I was not feeling free to be me at all and was abstaining from sex for a long time.  It was absurd how I felt as though I had caught some disease / bug / or whatever these bugs were, in which I knew came from that building.  Not to mention others in that apartment were feeling things too and just were not willing to talk about it because, like I said – there was some drug use going on to where I think people feared not being able to get a hold of their drugs if they were to say anything about the way they were feeling. I won't mention any names here as I want to keep things personally to me and this being my story, but I will make false names to protect the identity of the people that were there.
 

Ian, for an example was a neighbor and he was saying that he had felt something here and there, but wasn't sure what to think whether they were bugs or something else.  Another guy named Agnon and his family were feeling something and had moved and told me that after wrapping all their clothes in tightly sealed bags, and getting laundry done and steaming off their furnishings before bringing them into another place that he finally felt relief from the itchy he called it.  A few people from other floors as well were definitely feeling something as they would tell me that they did, and just really didn't want to talk about it into great detail.  Could you blame them?  Samuel and Katherine had experiences with mice as well and would share some of their stories with me of seeing mice in their apartment and in the halls.  I was outside for a cigarette at times and could hear babies cry in a wale that was beyond just a normal cry, but I didn't think of child abuse or neglect more then I thought of the danger that was present and how people really didn’t know how to deal with it together to make sure that lice doesn’t travel around and come back again.  These were cries for help, and a cry for rescue is what I felt.  Just like the kids coming home from school or waking up, I felt God awful inside.  What I'm saying is that through this kind of emotional trauma – I don't blame anyone for feeling as a failure to their kids, and to themselves in a way where I felt people were abandoning their own in fears of whatever they were fearing at times.  I wanted to share my fears in a way that you could figure this thing out yourself.  You would know that by the end of this story that what I experienced was true.  Fears ranging from losing their homes, and their things, to losing their own children, or losing the battle to their health... but, there was many more fears that played along with the fears that I had.  Like, fears of asking your own system for help, and the people around you, that just didn’t seemingly care about you, over cared to hurt you and get you more torn apart, and set in confusion.  I just knew there was fears running extremely high in that whole building if they felt as though they would want to come forward about it.  I for one wanted to come forward about it because I was feeling as though I was living in a way where I wouldn't ever get the original life back that I had wanted while moving into that place.  I was scared, and I was afraid, but I was more upset and feeling drained in my life to care about what to expect.  Besides this, I didn't know that I should expect to get what I did have happen instead of reaching anyone that cared, I felt I was reaching more people afraid to get what I got, then to wanting to help me in any real caring way.  Care-givers in other words were just doing their jobs, and just wanted a pay-check at the end of the week like most people do – but, in this case, they didn't want to side with me in reason of what I had been going through.  Not even place my concerns into their emergency visit paperwork.
 

For an example; going into the Emergency Room for myself, I was hoping for a hospital stay and was under the impression that that's what I had.  But, instead of getting a hospital bed stay, I was placed on what felt like a fast track to get out of there and go back home into the madness that I was trying to get away from.  The paperwork said, that I had chest congestion and allergies and sent me home with a nasal spray, a prescription for some nausea pill, and Zyrtec for allergies.  Also, that I needed some expectorant to help relieve chest congestion.  I felt way more sick then all that these pills could do, I was feeling a treatment facility would be more appropriate to treat not only the ways my mind had gone, but the ways that I was feeling bugs now here and there and all the time on and off.  I wanted to be in denial that I was feeling anything at all.  This experience lasted over a year now, and I was still feeling as though I had residual bug feelings on my skin.  I didn't quite know where to go as people were telling me that it's all in my head.  And, I knew that it wasn’t.  I had a legitimate issue.  This was simply untrue though as I at times still saw a few bugs that looked like dust mites.  So, I was still dealing with something, just I couldn't get rid of the feelings, and wherever I rubbed my hands down on my body, they had stopped, but at times – they would just jump right back on me.  I just was scared to even mention that I was feeling bugs because they wanted to commit me into a mental hospital over commit me into a treatment facility to narrow down the issues and to get me feeling good again on my skin.
 

Guys were cutting their hair short, and shorter, and I tried this as well before I shaved my hair completely off.  The fear was mentioned that after thees things happened that people could expect to go to a FEMA camp or into the care of the state.  So, this was not an unfounded fear.  I also saw woman dying their hair left and right, because the bleach and other chemicals also killed these buggy feelings as well but I wasn’t sure if they even knew these things or if they just wanted to hide what was actually happening.  This was an infestation and it was not just some small problem that would go away.  This problem only got bigger and bigger, and at times felt settled but would come right back.  Either way, it was clear to me why this was all happening, they were feeling something too, and it's a hard topic to bring up.  I was feeling pain in my heart from what I thought about people feeling all over the building and it just made me want to scream at times.  I went outside usually to scream but a few times I remember screaming in the shower just how wrong this was, and why me, and God please help me, why is there no help in the world for people in such pain, and that I felt so much pain... things like that I was crying out until I was crying on the bath-tub floor just panting and panting for God to please help me.  I was sick and detrimental inside about the feelings that I knew were real – that this world was trying to cover up, and even the people I knew the best.  Like family and friends.
 

I couldn't handle the dreams that I felt inside of me were fading dead, but a new dream arose from the pain that I went through.  I simply had a dream to stop this kind of pain from ever happening again.  From calling everywhere I could think of for help, to writing letters as well to lawyers who knew doctors and attorneys to contacting the attorney generals office, to contacting building-code and code-enforcement.  I remember speaking with Michelle MacDonald running for state supreme court and she had told me to keep on writing what I was writing and keep pressing for my concerns as the power of the attorney is the power to devastate she said, and in that she knew that I was doing that.  I was being forced out of my own living situations.  She said to keep writing and lettering people, but to also start to think more practically in the fact that it seems like your mom doesn't want to be with you on these matters as you make calls, or press, so just do what you got to do to get out of there.  What she was saying is that it’s a lot more believable if everyone can get on board with you, and that was not happening.  Although, I was doing everything I could think of to do that very thing.  From calling family and asking for a bed, but with these concerns that I had as you could imagine no one wanted to give me a bed.  Hell, I felt alone where no one wanted to talk to me at all.  No one shared my concerns and I got things more like, you know what Matt, I'm too busy to listen to all of this – just get a job, and you wouldn't have to worry about these things.  Just go look for work, and yeah – I did those very things, but I was also feeling these things, and feeling as though I couldn't talk straight faced with anyone right, and so, I was not getting the jobs.  Plus at one point in an interview I felt as though it was cut short because he scratched down his back – same places I’ve been having issues with and it was done.  Sorry kid, you’re not going to get that job!  Something I was doing in the interview was never giving me a job... and I thought more like – well, they must have felt something like what I felt when that first mouse came around that I felt itchy and just didn't feel comfortable hiring this guy or giving me a chance.  I mean, who’d hire the mice?  Woodlawn?  I didn't know what to feel as I was even getting jobs and had a start date and the day before I would start I got a letter resigning from their previous offer of employment and with no reason for it.  So, I called corporate offices of places like “Little Caesars” asking what the reasons were and never got a call back.  I felt that I was singled out somehow from getting a regular job, and so I studied endlessly as to why I was not being hired.  I was feeling as though I did really well with my given circumstances where I would have nailed all 20 jobs that I'd apply for and not get a single one.  In a way, I was giving up because it just felt so unbearable that I couldn't find someone to hire me, and follow through with their hiring me.  Give me a chance!
 

When I was not being paid right from the current employer, I ended up doing some snow shoveling on the side as well and it was still tough because I was unable to sleep and get that quality sleep one should get when renting in a place, I was simply not able to get that sleep.  I was feeling screwed over!  I was overwhelmed with stress!  I was not myself and I was feeling set up now, and even fearing that people were out to do me in with the kinds of stress I was now living in.  The Department of Labor and Industries or D.L.I. told me that most times when there is an employee working for someone and they tell us about the issues, they can retaliate against you, and if that happens – you turn around and sue them.  They even told me that state officials could even be involved.  But, even had I been retaliated against – and without a car, and no money... how was I supposed to do that?  I didn't know the process of all of this.  I was just feeling set up to lose and lose and keep losing a lot.  The more that I lost, the more that I was in pain in my heart.  From losing hours, to losing my car, and losing my license to losing my bed and sleep, I was losing my sanity, and without a doubt it was all from this stress caused by other people.  The stress was killing me, as I told my buddy, I feel like I'm dying bro, because my body just isn't dealing well, and I just can't take it anymore.  I felt weak, and I felt as though I had nowhere to go.  I just wanted a way out, and there wasn't one that I could see that didn't involve me just going to sleep under a bridge.  Trust me – I had asked literally everyone I could think of for help.  I even slipped a letter out the door as the cops came when my brother called the cops on me that stated, “HELP ME I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING AND I'M SCARED LIVING HERE!”  Another few before I was able to open the door that were just depictions of how bad I felt asking for help from all the people that I was trying to get to help me, and all that it did was make me see how well protected that this management was.  I wasn't going to get help it seemed.  And, on top of it, I was being told that I needed to let go of my concerns.  I was just not able to do that.  I was having nightmares and couldn't cope living this way anymore.  I was at my wits ends time and time again.  Over and over I was calling and asking for help, and all that I ended up with was getting more and more hurt.  Each time the pain came, the pain only grew and grew.  I was breaking apart.  I was fallen apart.
 

I woke up in the morning of January 5th 2017, feeling as though I had no Christmas again, and no thanksgiving again, and just felt unbearably miserable.  I ate breakfast in the hospital and was on a civil commitment now being held against my will.  I was so tired that I ended up sleeping in past noon because I figured that since I didn't have a bed before that I could sleep in that I would take advantage of the situation here and get some well needed sleep and pray a lot.  I tried to communicate with others in the hospital here, but I was afraid that I'd just rather keep to myself as I felt that I had better social skills then others did and I wasn't wanting to spread the things around that I was feeling.  It was in my best interest to keep to myself while I was in there until I would get released.  I hated the nurses and people asking me if I was hearing voices in my head or if I was having racing thoughts in my head.  I wasn't experiencing any of those things.  They even asked me if I was still seeing mice running around or parasites, or feeling parasites.  I was feeling a couple, but I was ignoring them because if I said I was – they would be treating me for delusional-parasitosis, and I simply had studied that very thing at home and knew that this was not a mental health issue – and that this very much so a physical issue from the real infestation that I had proof for.  But, no one believed me, and even family was throwing me under the bus where I was concerned because I had been dealing with real issues, and not some fake hallucination or delusions of bugs.  Besides this, a few people in that place were also itching and scratching themselves more that I had gotten there then what they seemed to be the first few days I was there.  Those last days, I saw people scratching up their backs, down their shoulders, and on their heads and ears the same ways that I was at first.  I heard people sneezing more and more, and felt as though I had just brought in a bug into the hospital where I felt bad for feeling that I just gave a lot of people lice.  But, I was being forced to be around people – If I could, literally I just felt that I wanted to disappear, and not because I didn’t want to be around people but because I felt that I knew something they didn’t.  I knew the truth!  I wasn’t comfortable in denial.  
 

I just wanted some clarity as to what I was feeling and what I was going to have happen in there.  I woke up for lunch that day, but I still went right back into my room to sleep and take advantage of maybe catching up on some Zzzz's.  It was well needed I might add.