Hello all,
As the title narrates it, I am about to tell you about how it feels to feel like an erasable data.
I am not any professional about the topic of physchology, so I won't enter nor defend any of the different ramifications of this vaste area, that it psychology.
With time, I have been able to explore my inner conflicts. And with time, and all the debates that literally explodes on the internet about psychology, inner wounds, and the multiples new ways to cure them, I made my own way to discover what I was suffering from, what it came from, and how to explain it to myself.
I agree that many of my inner wounds, to not say all of them, has their roots into childhood and the first conflicts that appeared in my family, between its members.
I will talk about one of them specifically, tonight. One of these inner wounds, that is still a consequent problem into my life whatever if I made the way to understand how it has been formed, when, and with who... This inner wound that probably many people have already experienced in their life... This inner wound deals about, as the title say, the feeling of being erasable. Not as a personality, but as a social being, and finally, as a being.
Those who have ever felt such a feeling will recognize themselves into my words. It's a fear. It's a pain. Either savagely attacking the mind or insidiously and silently conflicting it, but at the end, generating incredible tensions which can lead to suicide, self-harm, paranoid crisis, and so on. It's all a question of feeling legitimate to be there. To exist as a breathing being. It can put into question your social identity, but at the end of it, this is only the purpose of one's existence itself that is put into question. It's not only a question of self-esteem. I practice many things and faced many wounds and troubles, with the support of many friends of mine, to solve the problem of the self-esteem itself. But still is this question of my legitimacy to exist, that I find back into these painful moments of questioning myself, doubting, and fearing about my legitimacy to exist.
Of course, that fear hasn't shown itself, knocking on my door, to say : "Hello, I am your problem with your existence !". For sure not ! And with time, I cut many branches of that fear, that pain inside of me, which doesn't want to show itself, hiding behind a lot of troubles that it generated next. As self-esteem. As my natural right to be loved. As the respect I naturally deserve. I cut all these ramifications of that damn tree. The tree of my feeling to be not legitimate to exist.
I can face it now. And it's still more and more difficult for this pain and fear to hide behind new things, thanks to all that I already cured, all that I faced with time. But still, it goes on savagely attacking my mind from time to time. And especially by using one typical way : When I feel concerned/ in love with someone, and that this one seems (in appearance and for me only) to suddenly miss interest for me.
This is not only the fear of being rejected or cheated that suddenly come to my mind, but the fear of being literally replaced. The fear of being forgotten. The fear of dissapearing suddenly. And at the end, the fear of losing what gives me the feeling of finally being legitimate ! This preicous honey that relieved my wound for a time, but doesn't cure it at all ! This is even the contrary, because I was used to feel that I needed the consideration of someone else to feel legitimate, existing. I needed someone to consider me, to feel that I was remarkable, noticeable. And the worst is that this process was totally unconscious.
We are now the First of July 2019, and I am 30 years old. And tonight, this night we are still living in, I discovered that a part of what creates a link between me and people, was made of a wish to find my own legitimacy through their attention. I started thinking by myself at 6, which means I have needed 24 years old to recognize, to understand and to face that I still have a problem to feel legitimate to be alive. And that, for this precise reason, I am particularly able to create strong and deep links with people.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I cheat with people, because I often empathize with those I create strong links with, and the way I feel concerned by them is perfectly true. But I also recognize that a part of the strength of that connection with them was due to a lack of feeling legitimate to be alive myself. And then, silently, when I was building a true ans strong story with them, this bastard in me which try to convince me I am not legitimate to be alive, was hiding to me that I also used this alterity, this connection with the other, to solve my problem of feeling not legitimate.
Time has come, girls and guys, for those who are concerned by this, to face we are vulnerable, fragile, in doubt, and to kick this bastard off from our mind. And to do so, we finally have no one to kick but a hand to give to this part of us which is still convinced to not be legitimate.
If you have this feeling, come on and tell me why. Come on and I will tell you why. Let's build a true but voluntarily ephemeral connection, in which we won't try to find our legitimacy in the other's consciousness, but in our own one. Let's be simple witnesses of the other one affliction and situation, to help him/her to hold his/her own hand. Not to save him/her, but to encourage to face. I invite you to come on and to take that fucking mic in front of this mental crowd that doesn't exist in reality, to say : "I AM LEGITIMATE TO BE THERE !"
To never doubt about it anymore. Never !
A wish : I would like this new century to never question the legitimacy of anyone to be alive anymore. Humans have no right to question what the nature has granted.
