GIRLS HATE WRESTLING [009 | Fight to BATTLEGROUND]
Girls Hate Wrestling is a blog run by a girl, who in fact, loves pro-wrestling. This was originally an idea for a youtube series with my best friend, but that never happened. Now it's going to be a blog, possibly some videos, of me channeling my love of a testosterone fueled soap opera of greased up men in underwear battling to lay on top of each other for 3 seconds... sometimes for a belt.
This one’s going to cover the past week (or few) and the build up to Battleground 2017. I’m going to keep try and keep this short and sweet. Battleground happens on Sunday (2 days) in Philly and I really probably should have posted this two days ago. Here we go!
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Battleground 2017 is a Smackdown-exclusive ppv happening on July 23, 2017 at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
WWE Championship: Punjabi Prison Match
WWE Champion Jinder Mahal w/ The Singh Brothers vs Randy Orton
A punjabi prison match, this is a thing, that’s happening for the third time ever. Jinder used to be a cohort of a guy named Great Khali, who created this match. Essentially there’s the ring, surrounded by a 4-sided bamboo cage and each side has a small door, surrounded by a slightly taller 8-sided bamboo cage. The rules are the same as normal cage matches, you win by climbing out, both feet hitting the floor. The small doors are only opened one time each in this match, for 60 seconds and then they are locked until the match is over. So there’s that and let’s get into the build up for this.
Randy Orton and Jinder Mahal have been feuding since, I think, May. I have watched them live in June. This is where this match comes in. RKO is all disrespected and is threatening to follow Jinder everywhere to regain the title. So RKO enacted his re-match clause but Jinder got to pick the stipulation and since he’s doing his India pride thing, of course we’re having a Punjabi Prison Match. So on this week’s smackdown, there’s a prison around the ring, as part of the usual build to ppvs, and the Singh Bros explain the match and Jinder talks a bit and then RKO shows up. He’s vaguely threatening and climbs up the outer wall of the prison. Being perfectly honest, I hate Jinder. I always have, always will. And I was over this feud before I saw them wrestle at MITB. I want that title in RKO’s hand at the end of the night. Moving on.
Singles Match – Flag Match
John Cena vs Rusev
Here is one match that I do not, literally at all, care about. Something about Rusev irks the fuck outta me, and John Cena is, well, Cena. That needs no explanation. They’re playing wrestling’s version on Capture the Flag, essentially.
John Cena came back a few weeks ago, and has been on this America high horse… again. Patriotic as fuck. That’s not my thing. So Rusev comes in with his Bulgaria patriotism, and I’m seriously annoyed by patriotism being the reasoning behind a match. Fantastic thing to do while we’re constantly on the brink of WWIII, and I hate the “USA” chants every time Cena opens his damn mouth. He’s going to win, it’s Cena. John Cena also thinks that THIS will be the thing we remember from this ppv, but sorry there bud, you gotta watch it to remember it. And he babbles on and on about America this, America that and Rusev attacks him from the crowd. Okaaaaaay.
United States Championship Match
United States Champion AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens
So this is GREAT. This is a damn good rivalry because KO had just started this “New Face of America” thing and then got WRECKED at a un-televised house show at Madison Square Garden and AJ snagged that title. Good ol’ Georgia boy got dat belt! I’m so into this match. I love AJ and his ridiculous b-rated comedy gold and his PHENOMENAL moves. I HAD a love-hate relationship with KO but it’s a solid hate relationship now. Ew. Anyway, these two faced off in a tag match on Smackdown, AJ with Shinsuke Nakamura vs KO with Baron Corbin. All four of these guys went crazy, so much back and forth. And of course the heels get the push before the ppv and at the end, AJ’s trying a Styles Clash on Baron, without realizing KO was tagged as the legal man. Nakamura got taken out by Baron previously and was nowhere to be found. KO then kicks AJ in the face and hits him with a Pop-up Powerbomb for the pin.
Women’s Fatal 5-Way Elimination for No. 1 Contender
Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair vs Natayla vs Tamina vs Lana
Okay, I accidentally listed them in order of my preference of winners. Naomi doesn’t have a match because there’s been this ongoing feud among the entire women’s roster minus Carmella (who’s waltzing around with that briefcase) over who gets to be the No. 1 Contender. So, there’s a weird thing between Tamina and Lana, and Natayla just instigates shit constantly. Becky and Charlotte are back to the 4 Horsewomen best friend thing, which cause Natty to ask Shane to force them to have a KILLER match on Smackdown this week. The two I want to win, had a hell of a match. Charlotte pulled out this weird backbend rollup cover that I’ve never seen. Becky hits a Becksploder, countered with Natural Selection, countered into Disarmer then Charlotte rolls up Becky but she kicks out. Charlotte tries for a Monnsault and Becky catches her in the Disarmer for a submission win. FANTASTIC MATCH LADIES. Then Tamina and Lana come out to the ring and Natty leaves the announce table and the usual brawl breaks out.
Singles Match
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin
These guys have been feuding for a few weeks now, when they aren’t in a bunch of multi-man matches. And these guys are brutal. We got the Japanese King of Strong Style, vs a guy that played football and is from KC. Baron’s a big dude, but Shinsuke is quick as fuck and powerful. I don’t care for Baron at all, and he’s got the briefcase to cash in, so ugh, if Jinder wins, please cash in right there so Orton can beat your ass later. But anyway, They were apart of the tag team match with AJ and KO so you already know what they did this week. Nakamura did kind of get wrecked but they were pushing a heel win before the ppv.
SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match
Smackdown Tag Team Champions The Usos vs The New Day
Uhm, see here, ANOTHER match I just don’t care about. Again, I don’t understand thug Usos. What IS One Day ISH? Huh? I’m with Fashion Police on this one. And I think booty-o’s and The New Day got stale like a year ago. I’m okay with Kofi. And I do USUALLY like The Usos. A few weeks ago there was some silly rap battle between the tag teams. There were a few really good jabs, but whatever.
So this week, Jimmy Uso fought Kofi. They go back and forth in the corner and Oliver (Xavier) gets fucking annoying with his goddamn trombone. Uso gets knocked outta the ring, so Kofi flies, as Kofi does. Back in the ring, Uso gets control during a commercial break. Kofi goes for Trouble in Paradise but Uso uses his Samoan powers and catches him and puts in back-first into the turnbuckles HARD. Uso’s in control and Kofi goes up top for a (weak) crossbody and Uso rolls him up for a win. Another heel win before the ppv. We might have new Champs on Sunday. Kill me now.
Singles Match
Sami Zayn vs Mike Kanellis w/ Maria Kanellis
[There was no picture for this. Sorry!]
So, the girl, used to wrestle while I was taking a break and didn’t have cable, ect…. Her husband just showed up with her at MITB and now he’s fighting Sami Zayn. Poor Sami is just stuck jobbing. It’s Mike Kannellis’ ppv debut. He’s gunna win on that alone. Over the past few weeks, they’ve had some terrible interactions where Sami interupts their “Power of Love” bullshit to ya know, go to the ring, or stretching backstage, whatever… Last week they smashed a flower vase over his head and said “Love hurts,” Classy.
So this week, Mike wrestles Sami in his in-ring debut. Sami’s got control and Mike leaves the ring and Sami follows. Back in the ring, Mike sorta tries punching Sami, so Sami just plants him with an Exploder in the corner. Maria jumps in the ring to stand in front of Mike so Sami can’t do anything. While the ref is getting her out of there, Mike takes the advantage and hits Sami with a Samoan Driver for the win. WHHAAAAAAAAAT.
Kick-off Match
Tye Dillinger vs Aiden English
There is no backstory for this. Creative had nothing better to do, so here ya go. We have no Fashion Police apparently on this ppv and I’m upset. I’m actually okay with both Tye and Aiden, there’s just no feud to fuel this match. For fun, I'm gunna go with Tye. Whatever.
[DING DING DING]
[All wrestling photo credits to wwe.com]
[wednesdaymiller blog photo by wednesdaymiller, edit by 