GIRLS HATE WRESTLING [010 | Battleground recap]
Girls Hate Wrestling is a blog run by a girl, who in fact, loves pro-wrestling. This was originally an idea for a youtube series with my best friend, but that never happened. Now it's going to be a blog, possibly some videos, of me channeling my love of a testosterone fueled soap opera of greased up men in underwear battling to lay on top of each other for 3 seconds... sometimes for a belt.
Battleground 2017 took place in Philly at the Wells Fargo Center as a Smackdown exclusive ppv. I dunno know what happened, but this was a rouuuuugh ppv. The hype wasn’t there, the booking was weird, and I had a hard time sitting through a lot of these matches. But, this is number 10 of Girls Hate Wrestling, so here we go. And a quick warning for 
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Kick- off Match
Aiden English (w) vs Tye Dillinger
Aiden comes out and does his singing thing, wearing some famous painting pants. Whatever. Tye comes out and does his weird 10 trance (heh, see what I did there, 10-trance, entrance, heh) as usual. Aiden gains first control in the match, but Tye turns it around and then they go back and forth for a bit. Tye nails Aiden with a clothesline but he recovers and gains control. Aiden get Tye in an awfully executed headlock and then he sings again. Tye gains some momentum and hits Aiden with a dropkick as Aiden’s coming off the top rope. Aiden’s also randomly conducting symphonies or some weird shit to himself allllll match. That and the singing. Tye ends up gaining control but gets his mouth busted open for a nice little crimson smile. Aiden ends up picking up the win.
Smackdown Tag Team Championship
The Usos vs Smackdown Tag Team Champions The New Day (Kofi/Xavier; Big E at ringside) (w)
Kofi controls the beginning of the match and xavier gets tagged in and then he gets absolutely wrecked. Kofi’s back in and kicks one Uso in the ring, and kicks the other out of it. Kofi tags Xavier and then goes for a trust fall and immediately regrets it as the Usos double powerbomb him outside the ring. Xavier ends up getting kicked in the face in the coolest way possible, gets himself locked up in a submission hold but manages a rope break. Kofi’s up top rope for the Midnight Hour and The Uso kicks out. Uso hits a cross body on Kofi but he kicks out. Both Usos go up top to opposite corners, and Xavier takes out one, And the other Uso goes for it, but no one home. Xavier ends up picking up the win to make New Day the New Smackdown Tag Team Champs.
Singles Match
Shinsuke Nakamura (w) vs Baron Corbin
This match straight pissed me off. Ugh. Shinsuke is better than they booked him. Baron is not.
Nakamura eye rolls at Baron and it was magical and gets the first strike of the match. These dude is way to powerful for how shitty they made him look against dumb Baron. Shinsuke hits all kinds of mad kicks and punches but Baron just bear hugs in half the damn match. Like multiple times all momentum is lost by his stupid bear hug. Shinsuke lays down a pretty good wave of strikes and then Baron hit him with a low blow for a DQ and Shinsuke Nakamura gets the win.
Women’s No. 1 Contender 5-way Elimination Match
Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair vs Natalya (w) vs Tamina vs Lana
This was all over the place as multi-person matches are, so this one’s a quick rundown.
A brawl breaks out and Tamina and Lana team up on Charlotte. All sorts of chaos happens and Becky eliminates Tamina with the Disarmer. Then Becky immediately takes out Lana with a Disarmer. Natalya takes advantage and rolls up Becky and Becky’s out. Charlotte hits Natalya with a MASSIVE sit down powerbomb that she barely kicked out of. Natty gets her knees up on Charlotte’s Moonsault and Natalya ends up pinning Charlotte to become No. 1 Contender at SummerSlam.
The United States Championship
AJ Styles vs United States Champion Kevin Owens(w)
I apologize but for some reason, I was super pumped about this match but couldn’t focus on it for shit.
These guys start out with a lot of back and forth an eventually KO ends up with a bloody nose of sorts. AJ gets KO up into a Torture Rack and plants him with a Spinning Powerbomb. Ko starts attacking AJ’s arm that was injured when he got planted onto the apron. KO ends up crazy throwing AJ halfway across the ring INTO the ref, who is then down and out for a bit. AJ legit kicked dude in the head on the way down. And KO hits AJ with a superkick. AJ turns it around and catches KO in the calf crusher but the ref is still down and isn’t there to call for submission. KO counters to a crossface submission and then AJ counters into a crossface. KO ends up barely getting a pin on AJ as the ref regains some life force and struggles out the slowest three count ever.
I’m disappointed.
Flag Match
John Cena (w) vs Rusev
DID NOT CARE ONE BIT. But, being honest, I was verbally rooting for Rusev based on the insane amount of ridiculous this match contained. My BIGGEST pet peeve of this… this is capture the flag with both flags going to roughly the same destination. Like, they both go back up the ramp to the stage in what would be the left side of the photo. BUT, conveniently, the USA flag for Cena is on the ringpost closest to the stage, with Rusev’s Bulgaria flag being diagonal across the ring, aka FURTHER AWAY. It was already a win for Cena. There’s some ring fuckery, and Rusev bleeds, so cool. Then they fight up the ramp, then on the little flag podiums. Rusev sets up some tables and eventually Cena plants him through them and puts his USA flag in the hole and wins.
Singles Match
Sami Zayn (w) vs Mike Kanellis w/ Maria Kanellis
Mike’s ppv debut. His annoying wife is present. They make Sami job a lot because he’s fantastic and a nice human being. Basically, Sami controls the whole match and Mike gets a few good jabs. Sami hits an exploder and ddts and all sorts of cool Sami Zayn stuff and then here comes that squawky fucking girl into the ring. She’s apparently trying this “power of love” defense strategy where she interupts the match so hopefully her husband can gain an advantage with a distraction, but oh, you did that on Smackdown and Sami’s too smart and picks up a win. Good job Sami. You didn’t job too hard.
Punjabi Prison Match/ WWE Champion Jinder Mahal (w) vs Randy Orton
I am so mad. This was total bullshit. You all know I love RKO.
So the prison walls are lowered and these guys go back and forth. Jinder calls for door number one of the inside cage to be opened and neither make it out so it’s locked. Jinder starts attacking Randy’s injured arm and calls for door number two to open, again, no one making it out, so it’s locked. Jinder tries to scale out of the first cage but Randy essentially racks Jinder on the top rope. And smashes him into the cage. Jinder throws Randy into the cage so he plants Jinder into the cage with two suplexes to make up for it. Randy calls for door number 3 to open, it’s closed and locked without either man escaping. Randy hits a DDT on Jinder and calls for the last door to open. He tries for an RKO on Jinder but catches a knee. Jinder tries to hit a Khallas, gets hit with an RKO. The Singh Brothers show up and pull Jinder out of the last door as Orton get locked inside. Randy climbs out of the first cage as Jinder is making his way up the second. So Randy just uses his crazy long legs and stretches over to the second cage to catch up. At the top of the cage, they exchange fists and face slams and Jinder gets knocked to the floor. The Singh Bros drag Randy down and hold him down while Jinder hits him with a Big Boot. Jinder starts the climb back up and Randy takes out the Singh Bros. Randy gets Jinder back down and deals with the Bros some more. It’s a 3 vs 1 fight for awhile. Jinder grabs a kendo stick from under the ring and beats Randy leaving some nice bruised up bloody welps. I enjoy the blood these days. Randy finds himself a new kendo stick. Randy ends up having to fight of one Bro who climbed outside the cage and up to fight Randy and finds himself slamming down 10+ feet through an announce table. EPIC. Back on the ground Randy plants Jinder with a DDT. Randy grabs a steel chair and takes out the other Bro and then Jinder. Randy starts to climb and one Bro follows him up and Randy kicks him back down. And as you think Randy’s got it because Jinder’s laid out on the floor from a chair shot, his entrance music plays again. Randy’s up near the top of the cage and The Great Khali appears. Ya know, the dude who created this match. Jinder’s old buddy. He comes down and shakes the shit out of the cage and Randy slips a bit. Khali grabs him by the throat and chokes him through the cage and Jinder climbs up and over to retain. Randy fought four dudes. WHHAAAAAAAT. I’m so mad. This was so stupid.
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I was upset with this ppv. I hope SummerSlam is booked well. Stay tuned for more/other/different wrestling stuff. Remember, don't be a Jabroni. I'm gunna go watch RAW now.
[all wrestling photo credit: wwe.com]
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