If it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna fucking happen. Like today. I wasn’t going to do my weekly H&M sale hunt. I almost didn’t even make it to the 4 o’clock train, because I had left some minutes later from the office. And, once in the mall, I was thinking about taking a different way out. But none of that mattered. A few meters from the escalator, I ran into her, walking out of a store. Perfect timing. Fate. We both stopped when we saw each other. A silly nervous smile drew in each other’s face. Awkwardness came into play.
“Hey,” said M.
“Hey,” I replied.
We both sighed. The weirdness of the situation was very obvious. Very understandable, after how we left it a few weeks ago.
“Sorry about the drunk message, the other day,” I finally said.
“Yeah, I didn’t feel good about that. I felt that you think you can just come into my life, or leave it, whenever you want.”
“You were right about me. I am very selfish.”
“It’s okay,” she said. She looked different than the last time. Tired. A bit sad. “How have you been?”
“Alright, more less. Trying to be a bit less depressed, I guess. What about you? Still clean?”
“I have been smoking again. And drinking a bit.”
“Ah, well,” I said, smiling. There was an uncomfortable silence. “It’s funny that we met like this. I have been thinking about you. I was drunk last Saturday. Again. I thought about writing you.”
“About?”
“I needed to explain to you why I left again. I wanted to tell you I could never understand that you didn’t want me anymore. You just frienzoned me, all of a sudden. I couldn’t get my head around this clean cut. We had a thing going on. But one day it was there, then it was gone. What happened?”
“Maybe it was never there,” M said. “Maybe it was just Britt.” Britt was how she called herself when she was drunk. The crazy version of M.
“Maybe… So, what about now? What’s gonna happen now?” I asked.
“I don’t know. What do you want?”
What did I want? I didn’t know. I don’t know yet. I do know that I left that mall feeling better. M had been my weakness since I met her, until today. The fire wasn’t there anymore. It had faded. So I told her we could hang out as friends and, as I walked back home, I knew that I wasn’t lying. It felt good. For a change.