He asks me everytime
why I sweat,
gulp the saliva
in a fear of having a panic attack
whenever he tries to come close
and touch me.
He never tried to make me uncomfortable
which is why I go in a dilemma
of this feeling that resides in me.
His eyes has the pain
to see me in this condition
because it actually questions his intention
and put it in shame. .
.
Happiness is a nine letter word
that has inevitable impact
on someone.
But for me this happiness is dark.
Its that kind of movie which
fucks your mind.
Its that kind of a song
which won't let you sleep
if you pause it without knowing
its lyrics completely.
For me happiness
was that one day when
I wouldn't have to listen to
maa screaming and crying in pain,
when Baba came home drunk.
For me happiness
was that one day when
Maa's hand didn't have a burn
on her hand.
For me happiness
was that one day when
baba slept early
and maa used to take me out
in the dark,
to show me the stars.
She always said, 'When I die, cage me in the stars.
Don't let me go away from your life.
Because what I faced,
I don't want you to feel.'
.
.
I closed my doors for men
since that day.
When baba was in bed
counting his last days,
I could see maa
how much she cared for him
as if she wanted him to stay
and get beaten each night.
That fucked my mind for years,
that why mom cared for a man
who broke her. .
.
Maybe the screams
they echoe in my ears
when he whispers, 'I will never hurt you'
Maybe her burnt hands
hurt me till now
when you touch me. .
.
Love feels unsafe at times
because trust isn't easy to build
and love,
isn't easy to leave. .
H. .
