The last couple of weeks I’ve been doing so many things, writing so many things about so many topics, but not one decent post I managed to finish. These are the times that I can feel like an absolute failure, even though I know the reasons why I can’t focus long enough to finish one post. I start writing, and before I know it, I’m totally off topic, and suddenly another topic is more important to write down. After maybe an hour of writing, I read everything again and come to the conclusion that there is no way that I can publish this as one post, but I need to split it into several different ones. You’d think I would pick one topic at the time I realize that and at least publish that part, but by that time I’ve already decided that once again I’m not in my good writing flow and not happy with the end result, so I call it a day again.
It gets to me that I’m my own biggest enemy when it comes to writing. I know I’m not a perfect writer, and I also know that the layout of the articles I publish can use some TLC, I know that for over a year now, and it’s on my never-ending to-do-list. Don’t lynch me, I know, but other things are just more important every time I decide to work on that. I think in a couple of months (when the little girl goes to school hopefully) I will finally get time to focus on these kinds of things. Whenever I want to learn something new, I really need to be alone, and have no distractions around me. That just doesn’t work with a toddler that keeps talking all day. That’s so cute and adorable to listen to her practising new words, but it’s really not helping me focus, lol.
I try to tell myself daily that I should not feel bad or angry at myself for not getting an article online that day. I have plenty of material (pictures and drafts) and it doesn’t matter if I publish it now or a while from now. My head is floating with ideas, things that I want to get done and maybe mostly with things that I need to process. Maybe that’s what bothers me the most at this moment when I don’t write, I can’t process things well enough and that means that they won’t leave my head. I’ve learned that writing is my therapy, writing can be healing, and not being able to write what I need to process means that I get stuck. It’s a negative spiral that I can’t seem to break through lately, and I don’t understand how it’s possible that I can’t find the words while it all makes perfect sense in my head while thinking about things.
I think this full moon, that was a special one: a total lunar eclipse (blood moon) had something to do with it. As I’ve written before, my daughter is mainly affected by the full moon every month, but I’m sensitive to it too. I came across a blog about this full moon, and then it hit me, it’s “normal” that I have issues remaining focussed. As a highly sensitive person this is something you can just accept, or ignore, but for me just thinking about it gives me some relief again. Because I also know, that in a few weeks max I will probably be back on track again. Normally I only feel different a couple of days before the full moon, but I read that with this moon lots of people feel these 1-2 weeks before it’s there, and with this given information I know that I will probably be feeling like this for another 1-2 weeks. Accepting it is the easiest way to deal with it. So I just have to accept all the unfinished drafts and wait for my mojo to come back...
I tried to stay awake until the eclipse would be visible, but an hour and a half I went outside to smoke a cigarette, to find out the moon was not visible from our front door. Going outside in the middle of the night to take some pictures wasn't going to happen, so I decided to call it a night. Did you see anything of the lunar eclipse? And if so, did you manage to take any pictures of it?