Last night I asked my dreams if I'm ever going to meet someone in a romantic sense again or if I'm going to be alone my whole life and..
I dreamed I was home alone texting someone about imporant conspiracy theory type stuff and I had this feeling that I was worried someone was going to kill me.
I woke up a bit unsettled and sober feeling and was wondering what it could have meant in regards to the question I asked.
After thinking about it a while I was reminded that I probably shouldn't even really be trying to meet someone and that it would be more responsible if I just stayed alone cause I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me.
As much as I wanted to experience that whole love and family thing in life.. And I do think it could help in some ways to make me even more powerful and give me more energy to help the world..
I made a decision a long time ago in my mid to young twenties.. To go down this route of trying to help as much as I could even if it killed me, cause the state of the world is really messed up and we need more people to stand up against the corruption.
Latley I've been really frustrated and hating life and have been depressed and sad cause I'm getting older and I wanted to experience those things, though.. Maybe it's better I don't.
I mean.. I guess it's possible I could still meet a woman I'm attracted to who is also similarly interested in helping the world so passionately that she also isn't scared of the risks, but.. I sorta doubt that will ever happen. People who Genuinely want to help the world to the point they put themselves at risk are extremely rare.
It's hard enough even meeting a vegan woman around where I live, let alone an anarchist or someone who researches occult societies and secret governments and who is actively speaking out and trying to bring awareness to these things.
And in the end I don't need that, I just want to meet someone I'm attracted to who cares and who is supportive and understands that there's a risk of being with me. Yet.. Perhaps I should just stop getting so worked up over it and realize that I decided my path a long time ago and I thought about it a lot and I sacrificed my personal life and happiness to try to help the broader world.
Not that I'm even anything special anyways. I have a tiny audience/following and will probably never make much of a difference, lol. But I guess part of me likes to think that I'm a threat to the powers that shouldn't be just cause I'm one of a minority who actually somewhat knows about them and how they work to a degree and who actually speaks out and opposes them.
Whatever the case I think I need to make it a priority to finish the movie I've been working on and also start speaking out more again.
I was trying to sort of back away and have a normal life recently, yet.. I think it's too late for that. Not only have I left quite a trail on the internet, but the state of the world keeps getting worse and worse and my passion to help is too strong to just give up and back away from everything I fought so hard for for so much of my life.
We need more people to care about these issues in my opinion, we need every single person who genuinely cares as we can get and me running away to try to have a normal life isn't going to help..
Not sure I can do much in the big picture speaking out and making movies and poetry and all that, though.. At least I feel like I tried. That I followed my heart trying to do what I thought was right, even if society essentially rejected me because of it and even if it kills me.
