This is one of the main things I've been working on lately in regard to noticing triggers and working on trying to control them so to speak... Both in a broad general sense especially with social interactions and also specifically in regard to the OCD I deal with.
But... Maybe it's not so much about "controlling" them per se... Maybe in a way it's more about setting them free?
However, to me it almost seems like a process where you first must learn to understand what you're dealing with and then let go of it after you understand, for... How can you even work on something to begin with if you don't try to understand it?
I used to think it was most honest to express myself about whatever it was that I was feeling or thinking that I thought reached a certain level of importance.
I didn't hold much back, I really prided myself on being "honest" and "blunt".
However... After learning more and more about triggers and OCD I'm starting to think that my "extreme honesty" and my "extreme logic" and trying to understand so much, might be part of the problem.
My friend sent me some links about OCD stuff and a couple of them that I watched last night really made me question things more.
One guy said something like... And I'm paraphrasing cause I don't remember his exact words, though what I remember was something like... "Don't try to figure the OCD out".
Which just was the total opposite of what I expected especially because throughout most of suffering from OCD I've felt deep down like the solution was to somehow "UNDERSTAND" and that somehow by understanding that would reveal to me the solution... But, maybe there is no way to fully understand such and maybe the harder you try to understand the more difficult it becomes and can potentially even result in something known as existential OCD which I believe I have experienced to some degree in the past.
And then in the other video I watched this woman who claims to have solved her OCD for the most part said something similar in that the more you think about your OCD the more you give it life... Wow... That's really interesting to me cause I realize there's some truth to it, but I still don't know how to completely do it.
Thanks to some previous videos I've watched I've made great progress and feel like I've sort of been doing some of this stuff without knowing it so it makes some sense even if it's really hard to make sense of.
For example, there was one video where the woman who was some kind of expert said something like... Imagine OCD is someone trying to call, like... A telemarketer or someone who you don't really want to talk to and then at first do your best to just not pick up the phone immediately.
She wasn't saying don't answer it at all or to make extreme swings quickly, just to delay answering it as long as you can and each time keep doing that and delay it longer and slowly build on that over time as she suggested that would "Disrupt" the pattern and ever since I've tried that I feel like it has helped me to sort of put a buffer in between my OCD and immediately moving to the compulsions.
It wasn't a cure, though it helped a lot and it sounds similar to what some of these others are saying about sort of... "Not listening" to the OCD.
So, last night I came up with a line of poetry and a question for anyone who wishes to try to answer if they want to.
Is it logical to not use logic?
I don't necessarily mean all the time, but in certain situations... And... This is extra weird to me on numerous levels in a philosophical sense one being because it's a logical choice in my opinion at this stage to not use logic regardless of the subjective values placed on such and just in a really basic fundamental way.
That's something I feel the people on YouTube didn't mention, they said to basically not use logic to try to figure it out... Though, choosing to not use logic is a form of logic itself, you have to logically choose to not use logic and that is quite a mind (f) trip for me! Lol... Life is so weird sometimes!
This line of thinking also reminds me of sort of... Embracing my inner child, or my "feminine" side as they are both generally much more open to change whereas the masculine from my research appears to be very "solid" and "unchanging".
Maybe if I become more childlike and dare I say less "logical" and less "extreme mental" and more... Heart based, spontaneous and open... Maybe I can make more progress!
Whether it works or not, it's given me more to think about and is super inspiring to see this woman who claimed that basically none of the traditional treatments worked for her, but this did...
She also said it wasn't instant and it took her a while to develop the mindset of "ignoring" her OCD, but eventually it became kind of natural and effortless...
That's another thing I just realized as I typed that... Throughout the years I've prided myself on not ignoring anyone and responding to everyone who tried to talk to me even if it sometimes takes a long time to get back to them.
Maybe that's part of my OCD in the sense that part of my personality is hyper vigilant and focused on NEVER IGNORING ANYONE... (Or other details in my environment, etc) So, it must be hard to ignore those OCD signals that keep coming in if I'm so fixated on not ignoring things!
As horrible as this sounds to me right now, maybe if I started allowing myself to ignore people and not feel OCD compelled to respond to every single comment and message, maybe I can loosen up on myself and more "go with the flow".
I dunno what to think and some of these ideas are super new to me, so... I guess we'll see what happens. Also, I have a book coming in the mail that sounds really promising for helping with intrusive thoughts as well!
It seems impossible for me to ever be fully cured the way I look at life right now, though some of the other progress I've made seemed impossible in the past and... I've made some really good progress because I made an intentional choice to work on this and I feel like if I keep working on it with all this other new information that's available that I'm going to make even more progress even if I'm not able to fully solve it and that's still incredibly exciting! :)
Every little bit of progress is like a miracle and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain what OCD is like to someone who hasn't experienced it...
So many people just can't relate and they probably think I'm like lying or lazy or trying to get out of doing things that other people have to do, but that's not it at all... I'm genuinely struggling with how my brain works and if you ask other people who suffer with OCD many will tell you it's one of the most difficult things ever and quite a few become suicidal because of it.
It's definitely not something I wanted, yet... I do feel like part of me did want it because it did those things and thought those things.
So who is the real me? I guess whoever I want to be? Hopefully in time I can learn to let go of those beliefs that I realize don't serve me or which no longer serve me.
I know this is getting long and few will likely read it all, but I think I'll try to finish by saying that that is one of the weird things about OCD because one person on YouTube even referred to their OCD as Obsessive Compulsive Advantage...
Being OCD does allow it seems a much greater level of observation/perception which can lead to increased knowledge and understanding in certain areas to the point that it almost feels like a super power how smart you are in comparison to many others who don't pay attention to the details as deeply and I remember saying in the past I'd feel like a super hero if I had all the benefits of OCD and none of the bad aspects.
So... What would happen to that super power if you stop using it per se?
If you chose to be more childlike and less logical? It seems like it would significantly go away as well... "You don't use it, you lose it" Though, perhaps like much in life it's once again about finding that "balance"... Not too much, not too little. Just the right amount.
One last thing... I've been exploring some thoughts recently that I think will help.
I'll go into more detail on those in the future, however I feel like it has to do with "choosing".
As difficult as this is for me to say in regard to some aspects of my OCD because it literally feels like I don't have a choice and I am "compelled" or "forced" (by myself ironically enough) to do those things, but... I do think there is a way to voluntarily by choice just say "no" and to just stop doing those things.
As simple and as logical as that sounds, it's one of the most difficult things to break these deeply ingrained loops.
I'm not there yet, though I've tasted the concept a little bit and I'm exploring it and I feel that route of thinking has a lot of potential and it's very similar to the kinds of advice mentioned in those videos about sort of "not feeding into the OCD".
If you can just by willpower and determination sort of... Tell yourself, "I'm not going to listen to those thoughts" or... "I'm not going to be bothered by those thoughts"... I think that might be incredibly powerful if you're able to really do it, sort of like entering a command into a computer and just somehow assert your own self over the loop you've been stuck in.
ALso... Not necessarily in like a... Repressive sort of way like you're trying to force it either, I think the energy you go about it with is important... More like... Just choosing in a non intense way that that's not what you want to do anymore and you want to move in a different direction... Very peacefully, calmly and matter of factly.
Anyways... Still have a lot to learn! I guess we'll see what happens in the future. Peace, thanks for reading if you did and bye until next time! <3
