So we have this problem with this serial stairwell 'urinator'(I am pretty sure I just made this word up). It started about two to three weeks ago when everyone was puzzled by this large puddle of water on the staircase. At first we all thought it was a harmless puddle of water, leftover water from the cleaner's weekly cleaning of the staircase and then we noticed the odour, so we put two and two together. Human urine. Gross.
Totally Unrelated Photo To Make This Post Seem Less Mundane.
Photo Copyright : Baizurah Basri.
I have lived in this apartment building for almost 6 years. We have never had a case like this before. Oh well once, three horny cats were having an orgy on the third floor and shamelessly left a trail of poop and urine all the way to the ground floor (some scary cat BDSM shit, no doubt ) and that was just about the only gangsta thing that ever happened in this building.
So when the urine puddle happened, we were puzzled. But we were quick to dismiss it as an isolated case. Someone probably left his keys and had to relieve himself on the stairwell while waiting for a key backup person to arrive. We are all good people here. We don't jump to conclusions.
So, we reported the nasty puddle of urine on the staircase and a one woman cleaning crew came to help deal with the mess. Our lovely staircases were puddle and odour free in no time at all and everyone went about their own business as usual blissfully happy to forget about the entire incident like it never happened.
Then, two days later the puddle was back! On the same spot, bigger and even more foul smelling than before. Insert nasty swear words here for full effect. Now everyone was beginning to worry. Is this how our lives is going to be from now on? Are we going to be like one of those shady housing complexes that smells like urine and broken dreams? Gone are the days of stumbling down the stairs half asleep without having to worry about stepping on a nasty puddle of human urine. How did our lives get like this? Who the eff is responsible for this abomination? .... You get my drift.
And, before we were able to completely wrap our heads around that one... another puddle of urine appeared. On the staircase above the usual spot. In the space of one day, the person turned from a regular guy having an unfortunate incident to WE HAVE A FU^KING SERIAL URINATOR ON THE LOOSE! All hell simultaneously broke loose.
Seriously, Dude, what is your problem? Why can't you just pee in the bushes like a normal creepy person? Why do you have to pee on our stairs? Are you sick in the head? Are you a sadist who took pleasure in grossing us out?
Being a Type A Nerd, I tried to understand why people would urinate on the stairwell. I googled and homigod, there is an entire forum thread dedicated to it! Apparently Stairwell Urinating is a thing. Surprisingly, it is a common problem in most housing complexes. The reasons behind it can vary from:
- Emergency
- Drunk
- Drug addicts
- Lazy fuckers
- Husband who are locked out by wives to sleep on the stairs
Okay, I made the last one up.
None of these characteristics fit our Serial Urinator's profile. Our Serial Urinator happens to love peeing on the Stairwell. With three cases in the space of three weeks, I can say the fella is escalating due to increasing confidence and obvious pleasure in doing the activity. I think I have watched enough CRIMINAL MINDS to profile the person as a ;
Male of medium heights (judging from the height of the stain on the wall next to the puddle),
Gross and probably has dirty nails and yellow teeth,
Obvious disregard of personal hygiene (can be seen from the color of his never washed jeans),
Have alpha male personality and most probably territorial,
watch Gerak Khas the movie and gave it a five star review,
and he probably calls radio shows to insult the DJs and Female Guests because it gives him pleasure to make people feel like shit!
Probably comes home very late at night thus giving him enough opportunity to urinate on the stairwell uninterrupted.
Most probably a new tenant because this has never happened until recently.
Or,
or....
He's just another drunk guy returning from a night of dancing with them foxy ladies at KDCA (this will have to be proven after 31st May 2018 - Non-Malaysian please refer to Kaamatan Festival)
Until then, the investigation continues...
(This was obviously written in May 2018)